What does Christmas mean to you? Christmas to me is always a special time spent with family, exchanging gifts, giving cheer to friends, and it also meant sharing a special day with Jesus. Just like HIM, I was born on Christmas day too. When I was a little girl, I would listen to the Christmas songs played in the wee hours in the morning playing on the radio, lie down on the wooden couch and dream that these Christmas songs are birthday songs that I sing to HIM and to myself. I will be filled with joy in my heart as I keep thoughts of HIM as a little baby on the manger that I will feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

Last night my family went to hear the Christmas midnight mass. This was our first Christmas here in Yellowknife. The priest said that he really like this line, "Those who walk in darkness have found the light," that night. That light is hope, he said. He said that we often hear people say, "Don't keep your hopes high," and then he said,"No, today I say, to always keep your hopes high!" Hope is the message this Christmas. He mentioned that people are praised when they do the things that they love and that those who are not able to do the things that they love but still continue to do so because of love deserve the praises as well. He said that his father was one of those people.

As I reflect on what the priest said, I could not help but to think of my own father, my mother, and those who may be in the same situation who are doing what they do because they love their children. And is this not the essence of Christmas---Love? I think of God as a loving parent who loves us so dearly that He gave Jesus to us as HIS gift. And in Jesus, our loving Father, no matter how He knew that His life is going to be difficult, full of hardships, sacrifices and ridicule, still accepted His destiny and lived His life because He loves us his children. As a mother, this is a reminder that touched my heart so deeply.

I can still remember last year's Christmas when my husband came home from Yellowknife and that first Sunday mass of the year 2010 when I prayed so hard for my confusions and fears to go away... when I prayed for courage to take the leap of faith.

Christmas from now on in has a deeper meaning to me. As Jesus was born today and I am celebrating my birthday, I shall keep in mind that He was born for us HIS children and that He lived HIS life because HE loves us so... and I am given this life and will live this life for my children... no matter how difficult, how much hardships or sacrifices I will have to endure as a mother, I will be accepting of all these because of my love for them. Christmas is a gift to give. Jesus's life is the GIFT. Let us all give a part of our lives to each other for there is no other special gift than that.

God bless us, everyone!

My sister is this extra special person that God sent to be my very personal favorite angel doll who just knows how to bring sunshine to my days. She is one of the many inspirations in my life. She and I were totally different back then. Yeah, I was the goody-good girl whom she found so boring and tacky, and I just found her too risky and immature. But those days are now long gone. We somehow managed to meet in the middle where we both tolerate each others whining, complaining, venting, and worries. Motherhood gave us the chance to really understand each other, celebrate our differences, share precious moments about our children, and discover a lot more similarities between us. When she got married in July 2009, my heart was permanently marked with a happy memory. I was her Matron of Honor and this was my speech.

This is Frame Lake in the summer time at 8:30 in the evening....


and this is it now... in winter at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Yellowknife is an experience.... truly on its own.

Am I really a drama queen or am I just really an emotional bucket? Maybe hormonal?
When my husband and I decided to move the family here in Yellowknife, I was determined to never look back. I have decided that whatever happens I will just suck it all in and stick with the plan. My mindset was that there is nothing else in the world that I would not do for my children and my husband -- that I can be strong for this family.

But my life was slowly crumbling apart, my will was weakening, my strength was draining, and I was just a total mental wreck. Although my children would not see nor feel my dark emotions, they were slowly poisoning my mind and my soul. Literally, there was a battle between good and evil in my mind and body. My mind concocts these thoughts of wishful thinking which translates to regrets, angst, and sometimes envy. And because part of me knows that these thoughts are poisonous, my body worked hard to fight that battle. There were times that my thoughts would overpower my mind that I would completely fail in controlling myself in which point that I become isolated, uninterested and unhappy. The saddening part of this is that I fail to show my children and my husband the good side of me. I was irate, impatient, and lazy. But the truth is, I was just confused and crying inside. I was confused of who I am and probably scared of who or what I can become.

It is still too early for me to say if I already have made peace with this place (I may mean Yellowknife but I also may mean the place that is "me"). You see, I am still discovering who I am just as I am still getting to know Yellowknife. So far, in the past month (November to be exact), I began to explore my inner self and I learned that I am not alone in feeling this way (I mean Elizabeth Gilbert, hello!!!). But unlike her, I am married and with children, and all it took for me to stay focused on what is real life for me was a leather couch, books and love sent to me by my friends as a care package from Toronto. And let me tell you, love can be found in simplest things, which translates to pleasure, which transforms to happiness, that becomes that mystery called peace... even for just a moment.

Being a mother of three boys does not make me an expert and this is a fact that I accept about motherhood for I know that I still have a lot to learn. However, I also believe that my children are different from other children and therefore what works for my children may not necessarily work with yours (and vice versa). But it is with these differences in our experiences as mothers that motherhood becomes so special when all of us share our stories and learn from each other.

Below is a video I find inspirational. I am thankful for all my mommy friends and to all the mothers in my life.

This came from my son's school. I just thought I should share it with you. I believe that humility leads us in being happy for others well-being. Dr. Maya Angelou said, "To want others to do the best they can for themselves, when they have done the best they can for you -- this is intelligence" which is also, I believe is humility. If each of us would genuinely care and wish only good things for each other, true happiness will flourish in all of us, from within to each other. And above all, God's grace (however you call HIM) is one proven way to have happiness in our hearts. - litlmisscaffeine

*************************************************************************************

LITANY OF HUMILITY

(Which His Eminence Cardinal Merry del Val was accustomed to recite daily after the celebration of the Holy Mass)

O Jesus! Meek and humble of heart hear me

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being honoured, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of suffering rebuke, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That in the opinion of the world, others may increase, and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be holier that I, provided that may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

I stumbled upon this on one of my favorite links: http://www.tfxonline.net/femstyle and I really like this post. There is just something special in sharing something you really like. - litlmisscaffeine ^_^

The Purpose Driven Life – Rick Warren

October 24th, 2009 . No Comments »

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The Purpose Driven Life

Don’t date because you are desperate.
Don’t marry because you are miserable.
Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don’t philander because you think you are irresistible.
Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.
Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend.
Don’t dictate because you are smarter.
Don’t demand because you are stronger.
Don’t sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don’t sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.

Don’t stagnate!
Don’t regress.
Don’t live in the past. Time can’t bring anything or anyone back.
Don’t put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don’t throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.

Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life’s more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don’t bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.
Don’t live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.

Don’t commit when you are not ready.
Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don’t postpone it.
Say those words. Don’t let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society’s scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you – except YOU.

It isn’t true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.

Don’t lose faith in God.
Don’t grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E

because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.

-Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

I read this to a co-worker of mine and she said well this is simply common sense. My reply was: sometimes our common sense doesnt speak loud enough and reality Hits us harder when you hear it from someone else. I especially love the part “Don’t hurt your children because Loving them is Harder” so much meaning behind it. Its brilliant… I rate it 5/5

- femstyle-

"You seek pleasure, not happiness,"
"Really?"
"Yes, really... for happiness is not found nor achieved it is decided,"
"But, how do I decide that I am happy?"
"Well, you listen to what your heart wants you to do."
"But I thought you said happiness is decided. Isn't it that the mind makes the decisions?"
"Yes, mind makes the decision, but happiness is an emotion that affects the state of mind. And since happiness is a state of mind, which is affected by your emotion, emotion that is in your heart, you have to listen to your heart. Your heart will tell you what is happiness for you."
"Oh dear, this is hard. When do I decide that I am happy?"
"Now,"
"Now?"
"Yes, now!"


(a conversation between me and myself) ^_^ Crazy I tell you... but happy :D

So do you have a bucket list? You know, the list of the things you want to do before you die? I think it is called a bucket list because it was inspired by the Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson's movie where their characters made a list of things to do before they die and put the list on the bucket, hence bucket list.

Anyways, I do have a bucket list. I decided to have a bucket list not only to make life interesting and that I have things to look forward to, but also because I want to challenge myself... to see what I am capable of, to learn new things, to be bigger than me. And last night, I just crossed one out. It was the item number 10: To audition for a play/theatre. And please note that this is my first time ever to audition. I made it clear to them too and so I asked them to please bear with me.

It was so much fun! It was the same kind of fun like riding a roller coaster minus the screaming and the puking. I was hysterical and screaming inside. I had a blast during the entire process of audition. There were 3 persons inside the auditorium, the musical director, the stage director, and the director. First, I was interviewed. It was tricky because at the same time they were testing my stage performance. They wanted me to speak with my stage voice while having the conversation with them. And then, I had to follow musical notes from the piano where the musical director hits a note and I had to hum it and sing the note. Well that was tricky too for me who does not have any musical training nor background whatsoever, (well except when I sing karaoke and my mom would become teary when I sing a melodramatic song like Debbie Boone's You Light Up My Life), and then the last part of the audition was me singing Memory (from the Cats musical) in front of them. I was instructed to sing a verse or two but my ever supportive husband has said to me before the audition to just keep on singing unless they tell you to stop. So I was singing and singing and almost finishing the second verse and none of them three were stopping me so I kept on singing until I finished four verses which is out of the six verses of the song. When they said, "Ok, stop. Thank you," I was so relieved that I blurted out, "Oh my goodness, thank you. I was waiting for you to stop me."

I felt good about how I did. I was nervous but not so that I actually felt exhilarated. I made all three of them laughed with my goofiness. I felt I shined that night simply because I was being me. They are to see 80 people in total and there are only 40 roles to be played. And I am certain that I am against professionals, if not trained stage actors who are beyond my league (or I am out of their league). But that information does not matter to me now because that is actually a different story to be told next time.

Oh, the musical that I auditioned for is "My Fair Lady." And oh please, no, I was not up for Eliza's role, you know, that character that Audrey Hepburn played. ^_^

This past week has been an emotional and physical strain for me. Jesse, my two year old son has been keeping me up all night because of his eczema. He has developed eczema since he was about a month old and it had been sleepless nights for me and him.

I have seen other children in pictures with worst cases of eczema. Jesse's eczema, compared to theirs is not that bad but nevertheless concerning. When he was about 6 months old, he realized that he can pull the socks that were covering his hands. This was not good because that was my last resort of protecting him from himself. At night, I would stay up to do the scratching for him and more so that he would not scratch himself too much. There were nights though that I fell asleep and woke up with Jesse's blood stains on the pillow sheets and blanket.

The sad fact about eczema is that there is no cure for it. You can manage it but not cure it. Jesse's eczema is manageable now that I know the do's and dont's and most importantly that I have found the right products that work for him. But part of managing it is staying up late with him to constantly massage him with his lotion and also to watch out for his deep scratching... to make sure that he does not bleed from scratching too much.

I have been feeling so exhausted and emotional this past days due to lack of sleep, lack of sunshine (winter in the arctic), lack of fun places to escape to for the day, lack of energy, lack of interest and a lot of other things that are lacking. All of my emotions are locked deep inside my heart and mind that I feel like blowing up any minute. Last night, I almost lost it. But before I did, I let my emotions flow as tears as I prayed The Lord's Prayer again and again while trying to stop Jesse from scratching. In the living room, on our bean bags, he fell asleep with me massaging his hands with his lotion at
about 4 o'clock in the morning.

A mail came today for me from my mom. It was a birthday and Christmas card in one. I am a Christmas baby. The cover reads, "You're a daughter to be proud of at Christmas and Always".

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought to myself that God does know when to touch my heart. He knows what to say to me. My mother's message is a reminder of my mother's devotional love for me. How else could I make her proud and show her my love and gratefulness but being a devotional mother to my sons?

And like other devotional stories for mothers on the book Chicken Soup for the Soul, I am ending this with my own prayer.

Today my eldest son is 14 years old. In these fourteen years, he has not ceased in giving me hugs and in telling me he loves me each time he goes to school and before he goes to sleep. I remember when he was still in my womb, I knew that he was given to me to be my angel. When he came into my life, I felt how strong of a lady I was, that I could do anything for him and be the best I could be for him. I felt that I am much more than a mother to him. I wanted to be his confidant, and best friend because at that time he was all these to me. He was this little boy who knew me so well, so much so that there are times that he would just come to me and give me a hug and say, "Mommy, you need a hug. It's okay Mommy."

And now he is 14. It has been fourteen wonderful years. He is growing so beautifully, and such a wise young man beyond his years. And he is still the same funny, witty, sweet, loving, kind and gentle boy who knows when his mommy needs some cheering up. For his birthday this evening, I presented him a slice of chocolate cake which I bought from a French cafe. The cake was lovely and he enjoyed it so much. He was having a mouthful when I asked, "Janvier, do you still want me to bake you a cake this Saturday?"
"If you want to," he said licking his fork.
"Well, I don't know. I mean after having this cake, my confidence about my cake is now," I said while motioning a thumbs down.
He wipes his mouth, "You know what Mommy, I really don't like this cake,"
"Oh Janvier! You are the sweetest. Come here!"
He comes to me and gives me a tight hug.
"Ok, I'll bake you a cake."
"Thanks Mommy. I love you."

My father used to tell me that whoever it is I decide to marry is such a lucky guy. Now although I don't tell my son this yet, I know in my heart that whoever it is he decides to marry is going to be such a lucky lady. ^_^

Today on the Dr. Phil show was a married couple with marital problems. The husband, a body builder and a trainer, buffed and tanned is cheating on his wife, a pretty faced but slightly overweight woman who is the mother of his two children.

They have been married for 10 years and in those years the husband has been cheating with about a hundred girls according to the wife. She said that her husband has a bad temper and have hurt her physically in some occasions too. The husband acknowledges and does not deny these facts about him but continued to say when asked, that he will never be a devoted, faithful husband to his wife or to anyone. What an arrogant, full-of-it-sonna-ma-gun. He admits that he is manipulative too. But with all these I have to say that he was honest. Weird to say about a cheating husband, but you see, the wife knew all those times she had been cheated on. This was the husband's excuse and the fact that his wife has gotten "fat". He says that after he cheats, his wife takes him back and he knows his wife will always take him back so he continues to cheat again and again.

They are now getting a divorce. It is so easy to do this when you are married in the United States. Good for them.

It is very hard to hang on to a marriage that has been deteriorating for a long time, most especially when a spouse is immature, superficial, and does not share your goals and values. Women, please take care of yourselves when entering into a relationship. It is so important that you hold on to your self-esteem so that no man can manipulate you and make decisions for you. Looking good should be coming from the inside, beauty should not be superficial so you do not end up with men who would hurt you and leave you once your look and body has changed. And please ladies, let us have respect to ourselves and to each other. Do not date a man who is already married! Go and get your own! Because if he is cheating on his wife, what makes you think he is not going to cheat on you? And Mr. Good Looking who thinks he is all that, you will get old too, "gravity will kick in", you can take all the pills and help you need to make your weapon operative but let me tell you... what goes around comes around. You will end up alone and the fun you think you are having now will be nothing but the cause of your pain in the future. Your measure of being a man is nothing but a shallow, empty, and superficial being that you are. You are not invincible. No one is.

Today is Remembrance Day. A day to honor and give thanks to our soldiers. As I sit here and write this, I could not help but to think of the mothers who have lost their sons, the wives who have lost their husbands, sisters who have lost their brothers, friends who have lost their friends, grandparents who have lost their grandchildren. I think of the young children who have lost their father, their mother, their sister, their brother, their favorite uncle or beloved aunt. I think of the wives and the husbands who are separated by war. I give my utmost respect and heartfelt gratitude for our soldiers sacrifices and my prayers to their families for their courage for enduring the pain and sorrow of having a love one being far away knowing that their love one is in a dangerous situation.

I look at my three sons and could not imagine how unbearable it would be if any one of them is harmed. But they are safe here with me. We are safe because you have made your honorable sacrifice and I as a mother wishes to raise my three boys well so that their well-being will contribute to the betterment of this country, so that they may live well and that your sacrifice will not vanish in vain.

Thank you our dear brave soldiers. We honor you, we salute you, we remember you.

It's hard to get used to a lifestyle especially if the getting used to is mostly a battle between your mind and your body. Your body is needed to be at a specific place performing the specified tasks but your mind is wanting to do something else wandering out there... wanting to be somewhere, longing for the familiar faces. You are not able to do it, so your mind tells every single vein in your body to enjoy whatever it is that you are doing at that moment but the mind knows better... the mind knows that what it is telling the body is not that easy. The body responses and does what needs to be done accordingly and it feels anxious, nauseous, tense. The mind says, it is okay... you'll get through this one day at a time.

Do you feel that you could be doing something else instead of what you are doing now? Say you want to be a pilot but instead you are one of those who check the baggage? You know, just like Jay Baruchel's character in the movie She's Out of My League? You know you want to fly that plane, but you are not doing it because you think you do not have what it takes.

Oftentimes, some people tend to think less of themselves. Instead of giving themselves a 10 out of 10 they rate themselves as a 5, 6, or 7, very rarely an 8 or a 9 and never a 10.

While it is a good thing to be modest, and be humble, thinking less of yourself is totally a different thing. It is like you already have set yourself into a trap where there is no way out, you are stuck there for the rest of your life because you think that this is all you can do and therefore you are just going to be happy with it.

See the bad part of thinking less about yourself is when you stop believing in yourself, when you cease to believe that you can be better of what you are now, that you deserve more than what you have now, and the worst part of all is that when you stop taking chances. Life is about taking chances, about seizing opportunities, about moving forward; it is about believing you can achieve, that you can leap, that you can, that you are.

In the movie She's Out of My League, Jay's character ended up flying a plane, taking the girl of his dreams on a flight to their romantic date all because he believed that no number or rating system can stop him from becoming what he wants to be and taking his chance to be with the perfect girl.

The point is do not let other people's rating on you lower your self esteem. The best thing you can do when this happens is to prove them wrong. If you think you do not have what it takes, then get up and do something about it. You have as much chance as them. The difference though is how much you really want that chance and how much an opportunity means to you. Just let me tell you this --- there is no rating system that can stop you from getting what you want, from going where you want to be, from being what you want to become. Believe in yourself buddy! You can do it and you will! Just remember to work really hard and giving your best at what you do, because although knowing that you are a 10 out of 10 ( meaning knowing that you have what it takes) can help you get an easy way to get where you want to be, it does not guarantee you a long stay over there --- it is the doing and the proving that keeps you where you should be.

Have you ever felt lost and tired of looking for that place where you are supposed to be that you walk and you look left and right and you get frustrated because you cannot find what you are looking for and then you suddenly see something familiar which makes your heart race that you stop, you look, and then realize and say to yourself, no hold on... I am on the right place.

All this time that I have been here in Yellowknife, after leaving my job back in Toronto, I have been feeling so lost that I could not help it but get frustrated at myself for not knowing where I should be going. I know that I am at the right place, but I was not exactly sure if I should move forward or just stay still. It is as if I am standing still in front of this entrance worried that I could be going inside the wrong building.

That's what I felt today when I joined the NorthWords Writers.

Writing has always been something I enjoy and take a sweet pride on. I would write and write and write, and after writing, I would read it again and again and again. It is as if somebody else has written it that I get lost in the emotions when I read my own writing. When I was in grade 11, our teacher asked us to write a short story. After about three weeks, our teacher handed it back to us and said that my story was chosen to represent our school in the Toronto Short Story Writing contest. I felt scared. I did not know what to do. But I did what I had to do. I proofread my story, made sure I did not have any wrong spelling and wrong grammar. And that was it. My teacher mailed my story to enter it.

And then the day came. About 25 students from various schools in the city were there and 5 judges. All the students received back their stories with comments from all the 5 judges. One of the comment that stood out for me said, "You have a gift in writing. I like how you talked about poverty in the character's life by describing how she feels... when she wakes up feeling so cold in the morning with no heat. You have a good grasp of your theme and the ending is dramatic. But what you have here is not a short story, this is a novel. You have a lot of characters and there is a lot of things going on."

I kept that piece hidden since and the thought of being able to write pushed way back inside my head.

The NorthWords Writers is composed of a group of northern writers. Some of them are published authors while some are working on their novels and are looking into getting published. The memory of being surrounded by writers came back to me but the feeling was not the same. This time, we were not being judged but being encouraged to write. I asked if anyone has felt any confidence issues and I was surprised that I was not alone. I was told that I can do it and I can make my dreams come true. It was a very encouraging and engaging session that I felt comfortable with them. I felt a sense of pride to be with them. I felt that I belong and that I am home.

What I am taking from now on in is that confidence is something that you provide yourself, and that writers take confidence from each other too. And I felt that confidence today... that the thought of being able to write is no longer pushed back inside my head but is now here in front of me... all around me.

So as I am now standing still and looking at this entrance in front of me, I no longer feel lost because I know in my heart that I am where I am supposed to be. All I have to do now is walk right in.

After leaving my 5 years secure job at a prestigious, one of the best financial companies in the world, I am now standing in a big empty crossroad with no clue on which way to go. I am confused and I feel that there is something holding me to keep my feet exactly where I am standing.

In my quest to search what my purpose is or what I can become, I came upon this article. The author Robin Black wrote, " ... beginning a new career in midlife requires you to take yourself seriously enough that your confidence won't be shattered if other people don't. As you contemplate embarking on a new career, you have to confront some powerful inner demons."

And then it hit me. I realized that all this time I was not brave and confident I thought I was. I remember how confident and mature I was for my age growing up. At that time I knew what I wanted to do and I did them well, a lot of them outstandingly; I achieved whatever goals I set my mind to, I had my own definition of me and I knew how to set myself apart from other children. I remember I would be around and more comfortable talking with older people about life than people my own age. As a child I was taking my confidence from them... from the wisdom and knowledge of the people who I saw were more experienced, more knowledgeable and wiser than me. The dilemma lies now--- now that I am older. I seem to hang on to the child in me who was in the middle of the mature crowd when I should already be one of the mature people in the crowd talking to the child. I realized that I was not giving myself any credits of the things I have learned and of all that I have achieved and challenges I overcame. I am still this child who needed to be told that I am doing a good job when I should just own and validate it myself.

I now understand that I need to stand up and think thoughtfully as I tell my inner-child that it is time for her to embark on her journey, that she is now well equipped with the wisdom, knowledge and experiences that will help her to get where she wants to be --- that there is nothing to be afraid of.

Though the road is dark, long and bumpy, I will no longer hold myself aback but will look ahead and continue to move forward armed with faith and confidence --- I shall be fearless. And I shall not be ashamed if occasionally I would fall in a hole, slip on the sideways, trip on the rocks for I know that what matters the most is that I get up each and every time only wiser and much stronger.

Since I was a child about 10 years of age, I remember lying down in bed and thinking of why am I here, what is my purpose here? I remember how those nights would make me cry as I think of the things I have done. Am I a good student, a good daughter, was I too harsh to my sister, did I have to fight with my brother? What is it that I have to do in this life? Have I done a good job so far? Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?

When my father died before I turned eighteen, I remember that is when I stopped thinking of what my purpose is. When I asked him one night, a long time ago, he told me that my purpose was to change him --- to put direction in his life. And so when he died, I realized that I don't remember asking myself anymore. But now, here I am again --- asking myself and crying inside.

I am fortunate to have this blessed life with my sons and a loving husband. Being a mother and a wife is a gift that is like no other. But I feel I can do more than just being a mother and a wife which is making me doubt myself again. Why do I feel limited? Why am I seeking for more when being a mother and a wife is already a sacred duty on its own? I told my friend that I think I am feeling this way because I think way too ahead of what is going to happen to me once all my sons are grown up and have their own lives. I told her that I don't want to be one of those mothers who have nothing left to do after their children have left them. Because if my purpose is to take care of them, what is my purpose then after when they can take care of themselves? I also feel that there is something bigger than me that I am supposed to do and that I am just feeling stuck.

But then my friend who is ever so wise and such an angel in my life wrote me this, "If you want to be in their memories tomorrow, be in their life today." I am so grateful for having a friend who keeps me where I should be when I feel that I am lost. Reading her note made me realize that with all of the confusion and self-loathing, and while there is vast of possibilities of what I could become, this I know for sure --- I want to be a good memory to my children because ultimately, in the end, a good memory is what I will be. I know that this is not the end to my quest to what my bigger or biggest purpose in life is, but for now, I will take it from here.

I love Oprah. I love her like I love a cup of good coffee, a scrumptious dark chocolate, like a good book. She always makes me feel good. Since I left my job and decided to be a stay at home mother, I have been able to watch Oprah everyday. I also buy her magazines and follow her on the internet. She is just a source of inspirational positivity.

Perhaps some of the other housemothers out there feel that staying at home is frustrating, exhausting and depressing. I feel this way and when I do, I always find a way not to be swallowed by these emotions. You see, it is not just about "being a stay at home mom", but about life itself.

I think that to feel uninspired, down, or empty is normal especially when you find that your life seem to have no meaning just because you know or feel that you could be doing something else instead of what you are doing now. You are lost and oftentimes you find yourself thinking how mundane and uninteresting your life is. Depression comes and then it eats you just because you have let those emotions get through you. Some of you turn to drinking alcohol, to drugs or to anything that will make you forget about life's problems. But the truth is you are just taking an express route to spiral your life down when you do this.

It is hard to always have a positive mind and positive attitude but it is doable. I truly believe that you can shift your mindset from the negative to positive. There are a lot of resources that can help you bring positivity, excitement, and inspiration in your life. A trusted friend, a confidant, family, a group with similar interest, a good book and even an inspiring show like The Oprah Winfrey Show.

My favorite source of positivity are the good people around me. They do not necessarily have to be physically with me because their thoughts are enough. Positivity is very powerful you know. It can brighten your day and turn your life around. But you have to choose to surround yourself with positive things. You have to find your source of positivity meaning you cannot just do nothing every time you feel lost, dull, dissatisfied, or unhappy. Positivity is everywhere and you just have to open your eyes and mind from the littlest beauty to the grandest possibilities. Let good things touch your heart and light your soul. The key is you choose positivity.

Once you have chosen positivity, you will start to feel good about yourself, about other people, and will be able to have better days which will eventually make you appreciate your life more, and if needed, come up with ideas on improving your life.

It is so weird that I cry when I watch Oprah's shows. I love how she can move people to tears and how she can bring so much joy to other people with her surprises. She is such an inspiration to many. She helps people and makes a difference in their lives in so many different ways. And what I love the most is watching her cry when the person whom she helped cries with so much gratitude and when Oprah laughs as hard and jumps when her audience scream hysterically after they receive a surprise. To me this shows that what she does affects her and makes a difference on her life too. And those moments of looking at her and at the people she gives happiness to, their joy, tears, and excitement feeds my heart with so much emotions that I could not help but be moved into tears.

You do not have to have as much money as Oprah does or to have a TV show like hers to touch people's lives, to bring positivity, and make a difference. A simple little act of genuine kindness can make your day like helping an old lady, choosing to be courteous and understanding of your co-worker, sharing your lunch money to someone who needs it more, or comforting someone. Your little simple act of kindness will then accumulate within you and you will feel good about yourself, you will be inspired to do it everyday and you will start to feel that your life has a meaning. The best way to feeling positive, of inspiring others, of making a difference is starting it from within yourself. And trust me, you can do it. We can do it.

You can start feeling inspired and positive by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. It is fun and a lot of times life changing.

Have you ever heard of the song, "What's Forever For" by Michael Martin Murphey? This song makes me emotional. I know that this song is for all relationships out there but it is in marriage where two people literally offer each other to love forever. When two people vow to love each other forever, I wonder why is it then that some marriages end?

Some people do not believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore because of the high rate of divorce. Some people feel that marriage is only a contract, a piece of paper that is not enough to guarantee forever. But for me, marriage is not just a contract, it is more than a promise --- it is a sacred vow. Marriage is a blessing, not only you are committing yourself to this person but it is as if you are making a shout out to the world proclaiming, "Here I am in front of all of you.... witness my love to this person as I dedicate my life to him/her."

But marriage oftentimes fail. It fails for a lot of different and valid reasons for the people involved. Marriage afterall, is a relationship between two people who are both subject to failures and imperfections. But what differs marriage from just any other relationships is the blessing from God, or to some the legality that makes the union lawfully acceptable and recognized.

Once married, the couple enters into a higher and deeper level of relationship.
They now must hold on to each other for they are building their lives together as one---thus the need for foundations.

I believe that these are the five foundations a couple must have in marriage:
1. Honor. I put honor on the top of the list because it is the one that we must hang on to when dealing with other people. When we are with other people, we are not only representing our own but whatever it is we do affect and reflect our spouse directly or indirectly. If we have honor in all our dealings, we have respect, we value decency, we practice honesty.
Between spouses, treating each other with respect is very important. "I respect your feelings. I will not do anything to hurt your feelings."

2. Loyalty. Loyalty is to support each other all the way. It means you are faithful to your vows, that you will be with each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse." I will be here with you no matter what it takes, I will take care of you." Loyalty is also simply being faithful.

3. Love. Love is so much more than what you feel for each other and is so much more than physical attraction. Because human is bound to fail, to make mistakes and is imperfect, it is through love that we look beyond each others shortcomings and instead accept each other for who and what we are. I believe that love is not blind but rather looks beyond the imperfections with open heart and mind. Love is always saying we are sorry for our mistakes, for being weak knowing that we could be better, for causing pain to our spouse. Love is passionate, it is a feeling that needs to be transpired, it is our touch, our warmth, our kiss, our expression of adoration and affection. Love is always a two way street, is a tango, is something that must be reciprocated. " I love you and I want to be here with you each morning and night because I want to witness and share your life with me as I am sharing it with you."

4. Communication. Because a lot of things happen in our daily lives, it is very important to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Openness allows us to make a connection with each other. It is a good way to share humor, to express sincerity, to set a compromise and meet in the middle, to discuss expectations, to work things out, to speak up and to listen. Open communication allows us to not be afraid of who we really are inside because we know that our spouse is willing to listen and understand us. "How can I make this better? I know we are a team and we are in this together."

5. Patience is last but not the least. It is not to be mistaken with apathy because with patience, we still show that we care. There will always be times that our patience will be tested by our spouse, times when we want to burst in anger when a spouse just does not listen, does not cooperate, does not understand, simply does not do things you want him/her to do. Patience is the key to make or break our day. We should be able to practice tolerance and distinguish which small things we can let go and which big things need to be discussed. Patience is important in determining if something is worth arguing about or not. Patience, in the long run pays off as it brings calm rather than noise in the relationship, in the long run determines if you can truly accept the person you married for who and what he/she is and live with that person for the rest of your life. "Dear, since I know you do not like asking for directions, and that you know how important it is for me that we get there on time, I have taken the liberty to use the google map."

Marriage to me is not only an agreement but the ultimate seal of that love that no man or woman should be allowed to break. And because of this reason, I truly believe that if people are truly, madly, deeply in love with each other, they will always find a way to be together --- no matter what. If the marriage has fallen, it is simply because the foundations were not strong enough in the first place and thus was not able to stand the tests of time. There is no guarantee for anyone that their marriage is the one that will last forever, but with strong foundations we can rest assure that our marriage can survive any storm one at a time.

So I received a phone call and it was from Justin's school. "Hello, is this January? Justin is not feeling well. He is having stomach cramps. Can somebody come and pick him up?" And so off I went to get ready to pick up Justin and of course I had to take Jesse with me who was so comfortable on the bean bag lying down watching his favourite TV show at that time.

It snowed a bit last night so the road is a bit slippery, it is a bit cold and the sun was shining as I was pushing the stroller on the way. Could it be the cereals that he ate, the milk, or maybe he needed to go to the washroom but was shy to tell the teacher? I walked and pushed the stroller as fast as I could.
Finally, after about 8 or 10 minutes of walking, Jesse and I reached the school but I don't see Justin in the office where I was supposed to pick him up. I walked inside the office and greeted the lady who was by the copier, "Hi, I'm here to pick up Justin." The lady looked puzzled as I was, looked at the boy who was sitting, and said, "I called the wrong mother didn't I?"


And that's all I have to say about that. Well, lovely weather though. Today. ^_^

Have you been in a position in your life where you feel that nothing excites you? You know, when someone asks you, "So what's new and exciting?" and then you say, "Well, nothing much," not because you don't want to say anything but because there is really nothing to say.

Well, I have something new and exciting to share. One night as I was in the shower, this thought came out of boredom, "I want to kickbox!" I told my husband about it and he said sure and then asked, "How are you going to get there?" I said, "I'll ride my bicycle."

The next morning, he sent me an email with the website address and a personal message saying that two of his coworkers are already in the program and one is actually willing to give me a ride on the way and back. I said, "Perfect! I don't have to ride in the cold." So that's what it is for me the past three weeks. I have been kickboxing.

I decided to do kickboxing so I can kick ass. No, not really. The truth is I wanted to challenge myself. I remember how sore and how much I have been swearing after the very first class. It was not funny. But after several classes the pain began to subside. I also realize that kickboxing has not only taught me techniques on how to kickbox and that it is keeping me fit, but it also gave me a validation that I can challenge myself and have fun at the same time. I also like that it is a friendly, no pressure way to meet with other women. As someone who is new here in Yellowknife and know nobody else but my own family, being a part of this group gives me a sense that I belong, that I am involved.

My favourite part in kickboxing is improving my stance and my balance. I never thought how hard it is to balance my own body. I find it tricky and I am still learning. Every time I throw a kick, I have to make sure that I put that foot down and still be in the right position, kind of like life itself. Our trainer said, “It is very important that you keep your position right because that is what gives you power.” Of course, upon hearing it, I pondered about life. I thought to myself that the more balance and secure I feel about my position in life which to me means how much I know myself, the easier I can tackle whatever is thrown at me. Just like in kickboxing, without proper stance or position, the less power you have and therefore you don’t have enough power to attack or defend yourself against your opponent. On the contrary however, if you do have the proper position, the easier you will be able to maximize your power in every attack or in every defense you have to make against your opponent. All these thoughts came over me while I was doing my jab, uppercut and hook.

For the last three weeks we have been doing combination of kicks and boxing. My upper body is so sore. For some reason the carpool could not go on so I now ride my bicycle to go there --- in the cold. Riding my bicycle from downtown to taking the hilly trail and all the way to the airport road has made my thighs sore as well. But you know what, for the fun and excitement it gives me, kickboxing is worth it!

So, how about you, what’s new and exciting?

So because of this, I thought to myself what is beauty then? During my younger years I did not pay attention on how I look. The most I have done were to make sure that I shower and I comb my hair. I did not have any fashion sense at all and was always one of the boys. I remember how I was critical of the ladies in beauty pageants; the way they strut and how theatrical they were when they introduce themselves, and how dreadful I would feel when a candidate does not answer a question properly. I bet you are thinking that I am not a fan of Ms. Universe pageant, huh? Well, l think it is overrated. After the reign of the beauty queen is over, nobody really hear about her anymore unless she is pursuing an acting career or a modelling career. And when she gained weight, her youth faded, people say "whatever happened to her?" I don't criticize beauty pageants anymore because I stopped watching them. I don't see the point of all these beautiful women competing against each other for the title, "the most beautiful woman in the world."


I never fully understood why beauty is skin deep until I read someone say that, "Whoever are those who say that beauty is skin deep, they are ugly." Yes, good beautiful genes help but not always. And you see, the person's definition of beauty is too shallow. Beauty is indeed skin deep. Beauty is so much more than the eyes can see. It is within me, it is within you. Beauty is when I wake up in the morning feeling excited about life, feeling grateful of the day that is ahead of me. When I look at my sons, I feel beautiful. I feel beautiful of the love and affection I am able to give and receive. Thinking about my mother makes me feel beautiful as thoughts of her love and devotion to us her children is such an inspiration. To feel beautiful, I preserve and keep my values in mind: faith, family, love, health and hope. I keep my health so I can nurture my body and so I can feel good and stay fit to enjoy life. I keep my love to nurture my being so I would feel thankful of all the blessings that come my way and so I can pass the love along. I keep my family because they are the source of my strength and inspiration that make me feel I am needed and worthy. I keep my faith to nurture my spirit to be positive and strong when the days get tough. I keep my hope so I can nurture my will to keep on going knowing that with God's help I can make things happen.

I don't want to feel unpretty just because I don't wear make-up everyday, that not all dresses or outfit look good on me, and that some accessories look silly, that I don't have the perfect body, that I am slightly overweight, that I have soggy belly, that I have cellulite on my thighs, that I am short, that I have acne... the list of imperfections can get long. I don't want to feel unpretty just because someone told me, "oh you better lose weight because you look fat." I don't want to feel unpretty because of my skin color, my ethnicity, or because of my genes not being superior.


So when beauty does not make sense, let us just smile at what we see in the mirror and think this thought: "There is nothing that can dim the beauty that shines from within." Let us keep healthy, stay positive and maintain a nurtured mind and spirit. Let us celebrate life and find beauty in our surroundings, the people we love, the things that we enjoy doing. Let us always keep a smile on our lips, gentleness in our touch, strength in our heart and mind, and beauty will shine from within...a sense of beauty that outlasts even the longest lasting waterproof mascara or lipstick... a sense of beauty that represents vitality, that exudes confidence and happiness, that which experience serenity, a sense of beauty that is ageless and withstands the tests of times.

Discovering Le Stock Pot was indeed a pleasure because it means that I now have my new special place to enjoy. It's no Starbucks but that is okay. This place got coffee and sweets too and my other favorite foodie --- sandwiches... grilled sandwiches.

Because it is such a nice day, again, here in Yellowknife, I decided to seize the day to have a lunch date with...