I am anxious. The butterflies are rowdy and up to my neck. This moment is happening and I am in awe that this moment is real.

Speechless.

Everything was moving slowly when I moved with my family to Yellowknife. I had all the time in the world I did not know what to do with me. I was in the abyss of self loathing, it was awful. But all those sleepless nights, all those dark nights, and deafening voices in my head had come to an end. I feel I've shed my skin and here I am, now stronger and wiser.

I am not looking back, but I am reminiscing.
This very moment is about reflection of how things came out to be. Of how everything fell into place, of how moments become memories.... how choices become destiny.

 And here I am grateful.


For more photos of the book launch of Coming Home: Stories from Northwest Territories
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sefdesign

For more info about the book and how to order:
http://northwordsnwt.ca/coming-home-on-sale-now/
http://www.greatplains.mb.ca/
http://www.amazon.ca/Coming-Home-Stories-Northwest-Territories/

To hear an excerpt:
http://www.cbc.ca/thetrailbreaker/

Has it happened to you when a thought crosses your mind and then for some reason that thought lingers there subconsciously? It's not wishful thinking, this thought is more of a statement. For example, "I'm going to travel the world," or "I will win the lottery" or "I will be happy".

Then for some reasons these thoughts happen. Although they don't happen how you had it pictured in your mind, when and where, it is there --- it is happening.

When I was a little girl, I thought to myself that it would be nice if I will be married to my best friend, someone I knew from my childhood. I remember this thought came to when I was about ten years old. But of course this was just a thought for although there was this boy whom I considered my best friend, and I knew him since childhood,  I grew up realizing he was not the one. What happened was I ended up marrying our mutual best friend, who I also grew up with and knew since childhood. And now, my husband is my best friend.

Up to this day, this fact never fails to make me smile and it leaves me breathless, in awe of such wonder how things happen and fall into place.

Now that I look back, and if you have been following me, you must have known my quest for happiness and meaning in life. You must have read my troubled mind. But troubled as I was, I was determined to fight my affliction-- I wanted to climb out of the pit, I held on to that piece of thread that connected me to sanity.

I had to do something about it so I turned to writing. And then I met the good people of NorthWords. From that moment my life was changed.

There were other thoughts that crossed my mind when I was a little girl. Being the eldest, I had to take care of my little siblings. I did not mind the chores but I thought lifting a heavy bucket of water is a man's job, so I thought "when I have my first child it will be a boy so that he can carry a heavy bucket like this for his younger siblings and it will be okay." And yes, my eldest is a boy. He does a very good job of being the "big brother" and lifting heavy objects.

You can never underestimate the power of words. They can be really powerful even if they are just there in your thoughts. They can happen magically, mysteriously even sometimes in such weird ways. I mean I find it weird how I ended up marrying my husband. Weird and magical :)

This year's NorthWords NWT festival imprinted my mind and heart these two powerful words: I am.

"Claim it."
I am.
"Do it."
I am.
"Writer."
I am.

When I read at the Flash event during the NorthWords Festival I had to come up how to introduce myself and my story. Usually, some writers will say their name and mention the backdrop of their story and then read. I had practiced the nights before and timed myself and what I plan to read was exactly three minutes. There's not much room but a short introduction. So I thought I'd borrow from those people in Alcoholics Anonymous. My introduction was: "Hi everyone. My name is January, and I am a writer. This is my story."

When I said these words aloud to all these people, it changed me. Right at that moment, my own words empowered me. I acknowledged who I am.

So I guess what I really want to say is that in moments you feel lost, in need of light, or even comfort -- hold on to the words that will help you, thoughts that keep you going. Although you'll never know for sure what is in store for you, what matters is that you keep positive. And in most cases, BELIEVE.

By the way, I did think that someday my name will be on a newspaper. Who knew?

The power of words is felt, lived, and immortalized by us. It is still upon us to release the intensity or impact of its meaning. We all have the responsibility to take action, to give back, to share the generous and humbling gifts of wisdom, skills, talents, and capabilities that are bestowed upon us. We should not fear the greatness we can do and only then we shall benefit from the power of words.

What does Christmas mean to you? Christmas to me is always a special time spent with family, exchanging gifts, giving cheer to friends, and it also meant sharing a special day with Jesus. Just like HIM, I was born on Christmas day too. When I was a little girl, I would listen to the Christmas songs played in the wee hours in the morning playing on the radio, lie down on the wooden couch and dream that these Christmas songs are birthday songs that I sing to HIM and to myself. I will be filled with joy in my heart as I keep thoughts of HIM as a little baby on the manger that I will feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

Last night my family went to hear the Christmas midnight mass. This was our first Christmas here in Yellowknife. The priest said that he really like this line, "Those who walk in darkness have found the light," that night. That light is hope, he said. He said that we often hear people say, "Don't keep your hopes high," and then he said,"No, today I say, to always keep your hopes high!" Hope is the message this Christmas. He mentioned that people are praised when they do the things that they love and that those who are not able to do the things that they love but still continue to do so because of love deserve the praises as well. He said that his father was one of those people.

As I reflect on what the priest said, I could not help but to think of my own father, my mother, and those who may be in the same situation who are doing what they do because they love their children. And is this not the essence of Christmas---Love? I think of God as a loving parent who loves us so dearly that He gave Jesus to us as HIS gift. And in Jesus, our loving Father, no matter how He knew that His life is going to be difficult, full of hardships, sacrifices and ridicule, still accepted His destiny and lived His life because He loves us his children. As a mother, this is a reminder that touched my heart so deeply.

I can still remember last year's Christmas when my husband came home from Yellowknife and that first Sunday mass of the year 2010 when I prayed so hard for my confusions and fears to go away... when I prayed for courage to take the leap of faith.

Christmas from now on in has a deeper meaning to me. As Jesus was born today and I am celebrating my birthday, I shall keep in mind that He was born for us HIS children and that He lived HIS life because HE loves us so... and I am given this life and will live this life for my children... no matter how difficult, how much hardships or sacrifices I will have to endure as a mother, I will be accepting of all these because of my love for them. Christmas is a gift to give. Jesus's life is the GIFT. Let us all give a part of our lives to each other for there is no other special gift than that.

God bless us, everyone!

Have you ever felt lost and tired of looking for that place where you are supposed to be that you walk and you look left and right and you get frustrated because you cannot find what you are looking for and then you suddenly see something familiar which makes your heart race that you stop, you look, and then realize and say to yourself, no hold on... I am on the right place.

All this time that I have been here in Yellowknife, after leaving my job back in Toronto, I have been feeling so lost that I could not help it but get frustrated at myself for not knowing where I should be going. I know that I am at the right place, but I was not exactly sure if I should move forward or just stay still. It is as if I am standing still in front of this entrance worried that I could be going inside the wrong building.

That's what I felt today when I joined the NorthWords Writers.

Writing has always been something I enjoy and take a sweet pride on. I would write and write and write, and after writing, I would read it again and again and again. It is as if somebody else has written it that I get lost in the emotions when I read my own writing. When I was in grade 11, our teacher asked us to write a short story. After about three weeks, our teacher handed it back to us and said that my story was chosen to represent our school in the Toronto Short Story Writing contest. I felt scared. I did not know what to do. But I did what I had to do. I proofread my story, made sure I did not have any wrong spelling and wrong grammar. And that was it. My teacher mailed my story to enter it.

And then the day came. About 25 students from various schools in the city were there and 5 judges. All the students received back their stories with comments from all the 5 judges. One of the comment that stood out for me said, "You have a gift in writing. I like how you talked about poverty in the character's life by describing how she feels... when she wakes up feeling so cold in the morning with no heat. You have a good grasp of your theme and the ending is dramatic. But what you have here is not a short story, this is a novel. You have a lot of characters and there is a lot of things going on."

I kept that piece hidden since and the thought of being able to write pushed way back inside my head.

The NorthWords Writers is composed of a group of northern writers. Some of them are published authors while some are working on their novels and are looking into getting published. The memory of being surrounded by writers came back to me but the feeling was not the same. This time, we were not being judged but being encouraged to write. I asked if anyone has felt any confidence issues and I was surprised that I was not alone. I was told that I can do it and I can make my dreams come true. It was a very encouraging and engaging session that I felt comfortable with them. I felt a sense of pride to be with them. I felt that I belong and that I am home.

What I am taking from now on in is that confidence is something that you provide yourself, and that writers take confidence from each other too. And I felt that confidence today... that the thought of being able to write is no longer pushed back inside my head but is now here in front of me... all around me.

So as I am now standing still and looking at this entrance in front of me, I no longer feel lost because I know in my heart that I am where I am supposed to be. All I have to do now is walk right in.

Ottawa 2007. 7th wedding anniversary.



I hope you will be happy there with me.

Powerful and heartfelt words from my husband. I feel that he is worried about this move. He knows how much I like and enjoy the city... The fun, glam, glitter and all that jazz. He said that the place where he will take me is so much different from here. Wilderness surrounds the small town of Yellowknife. The lifestyle is quiet versus a fast phase life here in Toronto. Life over there is about nature and outdoor activities.

My manager said that I am selfless for giving up things like "running water". He was funny. His speech during the goodluck-on-your-move-party was heartfelt and I thought it was great. It was a good thing that someone blew the surprise for me otherwise I could have been crying and ruining my mascara. But I was truly touched and sad that day.

Selfless is a powerful word too.

I think that giving up all that I am used to in my daily life in exchange of a new life with my family being together is the hardest decision I have made. Being "selfless" however is the easiest choice I had and the only one that made sense. I was asked if I had always been selfless to which I replied, I just want things to be easier. I think and analyze but I don't over-analyze. I am a free spirit who acts with no regrets, always looking ahead, and deals with the consequences instead of worrying about them. I don't like spending too much time thinking when I already know what I want. To me worrying makes things complicated.

A friend of mine said that things happen for a reason. He said that this move is meant to be because this is what I wanted. He said that I had wished in my mind and in prayers for my family to be together and this is the answer to my wish. Indeed God moves in mysterious ways and we really have to be in tuned to Him so we can gratefully accept His will. I guess He wants me to be have the opportunity to be "selfless" and experience the joy of having my wishes granted.

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary. We celebrated it with take out Vietnamese/Chinese food. Our table was made of carton boxes and we were sitting on the floor with our children. We were surrounded by boxes and mess. The ambiance could not be any better and we were all very happy and having a nice time.

Some of you may already know that my family is moving to Yellowknife and how I feel about that move.

I am working on this company for 5 years now and moving to Yellowknife has left me no choice but to let my manager know that I will be leaving my job.
But then I thought to myself, I love my job so why not bring it with me to Yellowknife. I have an access to work from home. It will be perfect. So I told my manager about this situation back in February.

Today, five months after, I was given the sad news. I cannot bring my work to Yellowknife. It sinks to me now that I am really leaving. I am filled with mixed emotions. I held myself together as I listened to his reasons why I could not bring my work to Yellowknife. As I listened to him, I was feeling that I was not good enough but then it was as if he could read my mind that he said this is not because we do not value you, in fact we considered it because we like you. But after some thought it is decided that this is something that our team is not ready for and that we are not equipped to do.

I wanted to bring my work to Yellowknife because how easy it would be to be working from home and at the same time doing something that I am already familiar with. But now that this is not going to happen, I am faced with uncertainty. Uncertainties that I have to face with courage and positive mind.

When one door closes, another opens. It's true. I am not able to bring my work to Yellowknife and it makes me feel that a part of me is being taken away. It is hard to let go of things that have made me comfortable, the lifestyle, and the routine that I am used to. I tend to cling to such things. And because of this, I think that it is a good thing that a decision was made for me so that letting go would be easier. If not, surely I would continue to do the same thing over and over again maybe for the next five years.

My manager told me that he believes I will do well in whatever it is I would decide to do in Yellowknife. You have come a long way and have done very well. You are a strong woman, he says. You are bright, hard worker, your work ethic is high, you communicate well and you work well with others. These are good qualities that not everybody has. So there is nothing you should be afraid of.

And I believe him. With all honesty I believe him. I agree with him. His kind words filled my heart with courage.

My horoscope says, "the next opportunity does not come from you, it calls on you." I always believe that things happen for a reason. There is something better out there for me and I will find it. It can be a challenge but I always have risen up to challenges. My choices are limitless. This is not the end. This is just the beginning of new and better things to come.

I am fortunate to have the opportunity for a change. Not everybody is given the chance for a change. Change is good. It is. Change is an opportunity. Opportunity to be better, to grow, to discover, to experience. And this is what is presented to me. This is what is given to me and change is what I am going to make.

It's been awhile. My last blog was 2 months ago. I am now back to work which has occupied most of my time. And a lot has happened within those two months.

Have you ever been in a position or a situation where you have to make a life changing decision? I'm sure a lot of you have experienced that and some of you may say that I am over thinking this.

I have decided to move to Yellowknife. My husband has acquired a permanent job there. For more than a month now I have been raising our three children with my mother-in-law's help. And when she leaves in October of this year, I will have no other choice but to put my toddler in a childcare centre. Even with two income coming in, childcare and paying two different rent is just too much of an expense.

I don't know much about Yellowknife but based from what I have read and from what I was told it is a nice place to be. Aside from the extreme cold weather, long nights during winter, and that it is a place far far away from everything, there is not much I should worry about. But compared to Toronto, Yellowknife feels a bit strange for me. I mean all they have is Walmart. Who wants to shop for clothes at Walmart when you want to feel extra-special and stylish? How can I be stylish when everyone in the town have the same clothes as mine because we all shop at one place? They don't have Starbucks. I know!! I mean third world countries have Starbucks. My daily dose of cafe mocha is going to be completely off my diet. Yes. I don't drink any other cafe mocha. And my espresso truffle! This is too depressing for me and I don't expect you to understand or make sense of how I feel. All these are shallow reasons for me to worry or make this move a big deal. But let me get this out of my system. It is a big deal for me.

I have a career and I love that it is stable. I saw myself growing old in this company and I have foreseen myself receiving a gold plated plaque for giving excellent service for 30 years. My colleagues are also my friends and some of them I consider my family. One thing about me is that I love being surrounded by positive familiar people all the time and my workplace has given me that feeling of security and respect that I need.

I have not even mentioned my family. All of them are here in Toronto. When we move to Yellowknife, it will be just the five of us. My mom will not be able to come to me in 10 minutes when I want to see her or when I need someone's help. My sister. I will not be able to go out and hang out with her on Friday nights anymore. I will not see my nephew and nieces on special occassions. My brothers. How can I give them noogies (not that I do, but)? How can I annoy them once we are far away?

But all of these are about me. I am scared and do not want to move probably because of selfish reasons. But I also think of what if my husband's new job do not work out? I mean by July, which is our target moving date, he would only have been in the company for 8 months. What if by that date, I still do not have a job offer? What of our children? This decision also concerns them. New school. New friends. New environment.

We managed to attend the first Sunday mass of the year despite of bad weather. That Sunday was the second and last Sunday mass we had as a family before my husband leaves to Yellowknife. He actually leaves tonight. Today is Wednesday. I prayed hard on that Sunday mass. I prayed for my confusion and fear to go away. I prayed for strength so I can continue to perform my daily duties as a mother, as a wife, a daughter, a sister, and as a friend.

I felt good after that Sunday mass. I now feel stronger knowing that I am making this decision as a sacrifice for my family and that I am putting them above my own personal needs and wants. Just as a horse's vision have to be restricted so they can perform thoughtfully, I am taking this leap of faith by trusting God to be my eyes.