Jesse's 4th Birthday.

It took me two weeks in preparing for this angry bird themed party. I researched on the world wide web what are the cool ideas I could possibly do in having an Angry Bird birthday party. I went to Pinterest.com. I'll be posting the links at the end of this post.

Oh the baking DRAINED me. I made his birthday cake, cookies for loot bags, cake pops and cupcakes. I made two cakes: chocolate cake and that fancy strawberries and cream sponge cake (those kind that the royalties in England have at their tea parties). This was after all, an "Angry Bird Tea Party". Shout out to my cousin Edda for helping me out. This woman creates the eye candies of cake I just want to look at her cakes and not eat them (well the fact that she is in England and I am here in Yellowknife---that really is the hard part). The party hats were hand made by my ever genius of a husband Steve Efondo. Ok, I'd go for "talented". But he is. Genius.

Those angry birds cake toppers, that was brutal. And let me tell you, I've never created fondant figures before. This was my first time. I'd say not bad, I was pretty happy with the result being a rookie and all, but boy, that was brutal. Brutal.

But hey, look at my boy's smile. Priceless. Now that makes everything else irrelevant.














For the brutal angry bird cake toppers:
http://bakehappy.blogspot.ca

For the best sugar cookies ever:
http://www.sweetsugarbelle.com

For the cake pops:
www.bakerella.com/pops-bites/cake-pops/

For the party hats:
http://www.squidoo.com

For the eye candies of cake:
http://www.facebook.com/HomemadeCuppyCakes

Today my eldest son is 14 years old. In these fourteen years, he has not ceased in giving me hugs and in telling me he loves me each time he goes to school and before he goes to sleep. I remember when he was still in my womb, I knew that he was given to me to be my angel. When he came into my life, I felt how strong of a lady I was, that I could do anything for him and be the best I could be for him. I felt that I am much more than a mother to him. I wanted to be his confidant, and best friend because at that time he was all these to me. He was this little boy who knew me so well, so much so that there are times that he would just come to me and give me a hug and say, "Mommy, you need a hug. It's okay Mommy."

And now he is 14. It has been fourteen wonderful years. He is growing so beautifully, and such a wise young man beyond his years. And he is still the same funny, witty, sweet, loving, kind and gentle boy who knows when his mommy needs some cheering up. For his birthday this evening, I presented him a slice of chocolate cake which I bought from a French cafe. The cake was lovely and he enjoyed it so much. He was having a mouthful when I asked, "Janvier, do you still want me to bake you a cake this Saturday?"
"If you want to," he said licking his fork.
"Well, I don't know. I mean after having this cake, my confidence about my cake is now," I said while motioning a thumbs down.
He wipes his mouth, "You know what Mommy, I really don't like this cake,"
"Oh Janvier! You are the sweetest. Come here!"
He comes to me and gives me a tight hug.
"Ok, I'll bake you a cake."
"Thanks Mommy. I love you."

My father used to tell me that whoever it is I decide to marry is such a lucky guy. Now although I don't tell my son this yet, I know in my heart that whoever it is he decides to marry is going to be such a lucky lady. ^_^

Since I was a child about 10 years of age, I remember lying down in bed and thinking of why am I here, what is my purpose here? I remember how those nights would make me cry as I think of the things I have done. Am I a good student, a good daughter, was I too harsh to my sister, did I have to fight with my brother? What is it that I have to do in this life? Have I done a good job so far? Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?

When my father died before I turned eighteen, I remember that is when I stopped thinking of what my purpose is. When I asked him one night, a long time ago, he told me that my purpose was to change him --- to put direction in his life. And so when he died, I realized that I don't remember asking myself anymore. But now, here I am again --- asking myself and crying inside.

I am fortunate to have this blessed life with my sons and a loving husband. Being a mother and a wife is a gift that is like no other. But I feel I can do more than just being a mother and a wife which is making me doubt myself again. Why do I feel limited? Why am I seeking for more when being a mother and a wife is already a sacred duty on its own? I told my friend that I think I am feeling this way because I think way too ahead of what is going to happen to me once all my sons are grown up and have their own lives. I told her that I don't want to be one of those mothers who have nothing left to do after their children have left them. Because if my purpose is to take care of them, what is my purpose then after when they can take care of themselves? I also feel that there is something bigger than me that I am supposed to do and that I am just feeling stuck.

But then my friend who is ever so wise and such an angel in my life wrote me this, "If you want to be in their memories tomorrow, be in their life today." I am so grateful for having a friend who keeps me where I should be when I feel that I am lost. Reading her note made me realize that with all of the confusion and self-loathing, and while there is vast of possibilities of what I could become, this I know for sure --- I want to be a good memory to my children because ultimately, in the end, a good memory is what I will be. I know that this is not the end to my quest to what my bigger or biggest purpose in life is, but for now, I will take it from here.

This happened today. Justin is 7 years old and he wants to go out to the park with his friend Mia. I just had a preview of the future. And the future goes like this.

Justin is on the phone sitting next to me. I could hear the conversation because the phone's volume was up.

Justin: Hi it's Justin, can I please speak to Mia?
Mia: Hi, so you want to come in?
Justin: No, I am not there yet. I'm in my room.
Mia: I know that. But are you coming?
Justin: Yes, I'm gonna pick you up. Ok?
Mia: Ok. Just knock on the door.
Justin: Ok, bye.

Justin hangs up the phone and puts on his shoes.
I asked, "Do you want your big brother to go with you?"
Justin replies, "No," and rushes out to the door.

I was left astounded. Did I just hear what I heard? My baby Justin is picking up a girl? What!? The inevitable comes too quickly. Oh well.


Justin @ 8 months old.

Jesse turns 1 today. I still remember those difficult uncomfortable nine months and especially the grueling painful 10 hours. The emotions are still fresh in my mind... the experience still so vivid. I cried and whined all the time. I was scared. Jesse is my third child. People assume that I am an expert and that I know all the things there is about being a mother because I have three children. But I am not. All three boys are six years of age apart and each came in different situations in my life. Janvier, the eldest, came when I was 19 years old. I was still in grade 11. Justin came when I was 25. I just graduated college and was working my first job. Jesse came last year fifty days before my 32nd birthday.

Among the three pregnancies I had, it was with Jesse I had the most difficulty. I was too sensitive. I could not stand the sight of anything fried especially fried meat. I would be totally disgusted my stomach churns. I cried at night. For nine months, I did not sleep well. My best friend would talk to him inside my tummy and playfully say, "you are trouble, why are you giving mommy trouble?"

I realized that no pregnancies are the same and I got scared as the big day came close. I did not know what to expect. I feared of what might happen during the delivery. Jesse was oblique which means I would need a c-section. I dreaded the thought of being operated because that would mean I had to have an epidural. Scary. My fears stressed me so much I was distraught. I remember holding my belly and pleading to Jesse for him to move in the right position and be nice to mommy.

November 4 was a nice day. The sun was out, temperature was cool but not chilly, the leaves were at full colours. It was fall. Jesse made me feel that he would be born that day but he decided not to come out till it was November 5. I had to be induced because the waterbag was already leaking but there were no contractions. It was the most painful experience to be poked with a steel stick inside. Down there.

Then he was out. Haaaahhhh.... what a relief. Short relief.

Breastfeeding. It was agony. Cries after cries after cries. My nipples were cracked and sore, red and bleeding. He had jaundice. It was scary. I did not want him to have brain damage so I tried so hard to breastfeed him. The lactation nurse and the breast pump and the breastfeeding pillow helped.

I was exhausted, stressed, sad, happy, proud, busy, angry, crazy, distraught, contented, frustrated. GRATEFUL.

And now he is 1 year old. 12 months have passed. I feel it was as if just yesterday. I love you Jesse. You make me feel how a mother should feel. Happy Birthday.

Today was pleasant. There was no rushing in the morning (yes, I did follow my routine) and we arrived school 10 minutes early! There was not a lot of children yet when we arrived school. Justin and I sat on a bench and I said, "Justin, why don't you read your Halloween poem?" So he did. And as he was reading it, I felt proud and happy. My sweet Justin is now a big kid. My thoughts flashed forward to the time he will be in highschool, to college, and then back to the fact that he is now almost 7 years old. My heart was filled with gratitude and joy watching him read and listening to the poem.




He was smiling as he ended the poem. He then saw a friend and left me sitting on the bench. Just like that. I sat for a few minutes and savoured the happiness I was feeling. And then it was time for me to go. By this time many children were already playing in the schoolyard and so I went looking for Justin. I found him playing soccer with four boys and I called his name to wave goodbye.

He said, "bye mommy!"
"Bye, Justin!" I said as I turned to walk away.
And then he said, "Oh mommy, wait!" He ran towards me.
"What is it, honey?"
He put his arms around me and gave me a big hug and two kisses on my left cheek.
And then he said, "bye, mommy!"

Something good happened to me today. I finally got to know this lady's name who I always see almost every day when I walk the children to school. She also has a child, in fact two children, a boy and a girl that I always see walking to school with her. Anyway, this morning, as Justin and I were about to enter the school, she walked out of the door and said to me, "Oh he's so cute! What's his name?" I said, "Justin." I then introduced myself to her and so did she to me.

Is it not a dose of sunshine when every time this thought or cloud in your head clears up? I think it is precious every time it happens.

Well I would like to tell you about this little girl in our neighborhood whom I will call Little Miss Sunshine. She's five years old and as cute as a button. One day when I picked up Justin at school, I saw Justin running after her. I asked him to stop which he did and he explained why he was running after her. She called me "piggy" and tears rolled down on his cheeks. I said, Justin she's only a little girl. You are not "piggy". My wise son Janvier said, well call her "fatty" next time she calls you "piggy".

And so of course, the next day, my son Justin did just that. He then again was upset on our way home.

Later that night, I told him that when Little Miss Sunshine calls him "piggy", he should call her "pretty". I told Justin that if he did just that, Little Miss Sunshine might call him "handsome". Justin's face gleamed.

Today, Justin did not talk about Little Miss Sunshine and was not upset. So I wondered whatever happened? He said, I called her "pretty" when she called me "piggy". I tried calling her again to say to her "pretty" but she said "stay away from me!"

When I am old and gray, I want to remember...
(this note shall be updated from time to time every time a happy thought arises)

- It's amazing how I feel safe holding Jessiah in my arms... how he makes me feel that everything will be fine. (This I felt with all three of them: Janvier, Justin and Jessiah.. It's just now that I get the opportunity to write my feelings down)

- At the end of the day, every time he comes to me crying and he falls asleep into my arms, I feel that I have done something right...

- Putting him to sleep while listening to my old cd's as if we are both slow dancing to the music is relaxing to me (which I also did before especially with Janvier.. yes, especially and mostly Janvier)

- I remember feeling down (a long time ago), Janvier was almost 6 years old, he came to me while I was sitting alone in the dining room and he said, "are you okay mommy? don't worry I'm here." Janvier, I have to say is my knight in shining armour.

- Justin once said, I love you mommy! You are fat! I love you, you are so comfy... and he made little twinkles with his eyes and hugged me ^^

- that tears roll down on Janvier's cheeks when I sing If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross and Words by Beegees. When we listened to the song The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, we were both crying.

- that Janvier who is now 12 years old almost 13, still hugs and kiss me every time I drop him off at school and before he goes to sleep.