Jesse's 4th Birthday.

It took me two weeks in preparing for this angry bird themed party. I researched on the world wide web what are the cool ideas I could possibly do in having an Angry Bird birthday party. I went to Pinterest.com. I'll be posting the links at the end of this post.

Oh the baking DRAINED me. I made his birthday cake, cookies for loot bags, cake pops and cupcakes. I made two cakes: chocolate cake and that fancy strawberries and cream sponge cake (those kind that the royalties in England have at their tea parties). This was after all, an "Angry Bird Tea Party". Shout out to my cousin Edda for helping me out. This woman creates the eye candies of cake I just want to look at her cakes and not eat them (well the fact that she is in England and I am here in Yellowknife---that really is the hard part). The party hats were hand made by my ever genius of a husband Steve Efondo. Ok, I'd go for "talented". But he is. Genius.

Those angry birds cake toppers, that was brutal. And let me tell you, I've never created fondant figures before. This was my first time. I'd say not bad, I was pretty happy with the result being a rookie and all, but boy, that was brutal. Brutal.

But hey, look at my boy's smile. Priceless. Now that makes everything else irrelevant.














For the brutal angry bird cake toppers:
http://bakehappy.blogspot.ca

For the best sugar cookies ever:
http://www.sweetsugarbelle.com

For the cake pops:
www.bakerella.com/pops-bites/cake-pops/

For the party hats:
http://www.squidoo.com

For the eye candies of cake:
http://www.facebook.com/HomemadeCuppyCakes

At this moment of my life I realize that my life is not mine in a sense that it belongs to my sons. There are times that I think to myself and wonder if I was not a mother. I think of the things that I could do, the freedom I could have, the fullest potential I could achieve with no one to worry about but me. Being a mother is not always peachy... and not at all times rewarding. It is not a story that is only filled with happy moments but a story that is also a picture of sacrifice, chaos, tears and screams. Motherhood is not always neat because it is also messy. It is a story of things always somewhere in between.

Today is a good day than yesterday. Today, Jesse slept at 3:30 in the morning and slept without scratching and bleeding. Yesterday, he slept at 8:00 in the morning because of his eczema. Both of us were already too tired but he just would not sleep. So today, compared to yesterday, is much much better.

To help him sleep, I play a CD of lullaby songs. And this one is one of my favorites. It was actually a poem. I thought that this poem perfectly tells my thought of how I feel about my life now as a mother. I do not want to think of the things I could have done if I was not a mother and be on the top having reached my full potential as a career woman. I know of few women who were driven by power where their roles as a mother were affected. But I also do not want to just sit down and no longer dream and drive myself to be much more than who I am now. So at this point, I shall be in the middle... it isn't really anywhere, it is somewhere else instead.

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair where I sit:
There isn't any other stair quite like it.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top:
So this is the stair where I always stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up, and isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town:
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head:
"It isn't really anywhere! It's somewhere else instead!"

This past week has been an emotional and physical strain for me. Jesse, my two year old son has been keeping me up all night because of his eczema. He has developed eczema since he was about a month old and it had been sleepless nights for me and him.

I have seen other children in pictures with worst cases of eczema. Jesse's eczema, compared to theirs is not that bad but nevertheless concerning. When he was about 6 months old, he realized that he can pull the socks that were covering his hands. This was not good because that was my last resort of protecting him from himself. At night, I would stay up to do the scratching for him and more so that he would not scratch himself too much. There were nights though that I fell asleep and woke up with Jesse's blood stains on the pillow sheets and blanket.

The sad fact about eczema is that there is no cure for it. You can manage it but not cure it. Jesse's eczema is manageable now that I know the do's and dont's and most importantly that I have found the right products that work for him. But part of managing it is staying up late with him to constantly massage him with his lotion and also to watch out for his deep scratching... to make sure that he does not bleed from scratching too much.

I have been feeling so exhausted and emotional this past days due to lack of sleep, lack of sunshine (winter in the arctic), lack of fun places to escape to for the day, lack of energy, lack of interest and a lot of other things that are lacking. All of my emotions are locked deep inside my heart and mind that I feel like blowing up any minute. Last night, I almost lost it. But before I did, I let my emotions flow as tears as I prayed The Lord's Prayer again and again while trying to stop Jesse from scratching. In the living room, on our bean bags, he fell asleep with me massaging his hands with his lotion at
about 4 o'clock in the morning.

A mail came today for me from my mom. It was a birthday and Christmas card in one. I am a Christmas baby. The cover reads, "You're a daughter to be proud of at Christmas and Always".

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought to myself that God does know when to touch my heart. He knows what to say to me. My mother's message is a reminder of my mother's devotional love for me. How else could I make her proud and show her my love and gratefulness but being a devotional mother to my sons?

And like other devotional stories for mothers on the book Chicken Soup for the Soul, I am ending this with my own prayer.

Jesse turns 1 today. I still remember those difficult uncomfortable nine months and especially the grueling painful 10 hours. The emotions are still fresh in my mind... the experience still so vivid. I cried and whined all the time. I was scared. Jesse is my third child. People assume that I am an expert and that I know all the things there is about being a mother because I have three children. But I am not. All three boys are six years of age apart and each came in different situations in my life. Janvier, the eldest, came when I was 19 years old. I was still in grade 11. Justin came when I was 25. I just graduated college and was working my first job. Jesse came last year fifty days before my 32nd birthday.

Among the three pregnancies I had, it was with Jesse I had the most difficulty. I was too sensitive. I could not stand the sight of anything fried especially fried meat. I would be totally disgusted my stomach churns. I cried at night. For nine months, I did not sleep well. My best friend would talk to him inside my tummy and playfully say, "you are trouble, why are you giving mommy trouble?"

I realized that no pregnancies are the same and I got scared as the big day came close. I did not know what to expect. I feared of what might happen during the delivery. Jesse was oblique which means I would need a c-section. I dreaded the thought of being operated because that would mean I had to have an epidural. Scary. My fears stressed me so much I was distraught. I remember holding my belly and pleading to Jesse for him to move in the right position and be nice to mommy.

November 4 was a nice day. The sun was out, temperature was cool but not chilly, the leaves were at full colours. It was fall. Jesse made me feel that he would be born that day but he decided not to come out till it was November 5. I had to be induced because the waterbag was already leaking but there were no contractions. It was the most painful experience to be poked with a steel stick inside. Down there.

Then he was out. Haaaahhhh.... what a relief. Short relief.

Breastfeeding. It was agony. Cries after cries after cries. My nipples were cracked and sore, red and bleeding. He had jaundice. It was scary. I did not want him to have brain damage so I tried so hard to breastfeed him. The lactation nurse and the breast pump and the breastfeeding pillow helped.

I was exhausted, stressed, sad, happy, proud, busy, angry, crazy, distraught, contented, frustrated. GRATEFUL.

And now he is 1 year old. 12 months have passed. I feel it was as if just yesterday. I love you Jesse. You make me feel how a mother should feel. Happy Birthday.

When I am old and gray, I want to remember...
(this note shall be updated from time to time every time a happy thought arises)

- It's amazing how I feel safe holding Jessiah in my arms... how he makes me feel that everything will be fine. (This I felt with all three of them: Janvier, Justin and Jessiah.. It's just now that I get the opportunity to write my feelings down)

- At the end of the day, every time he comes to me crying and he falls asleep into my arms, I feel that I have done something right...

- Putting him to sleep while listening to my old cd's as if we are both slow dancing to the music is relaxing to me (which I also did before especially with Janvier.. yes, especially and mostly Janvier)

- I remember feeling down (a long time ago), Janvier was almost 6 years old, he came to me while I was sitting alone in the dining room and he said, "are you okay mommy? don't worry I'm here." Janvier, I have to say is my knight in shining armour.

- Justin once said, I love you mommy! You are fat! I love you, you are so comfy... and he made little twinkles with his eyes and hugged me ^^

- that tears roll down on Janvier's cheeks when I sing If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross and Words by Beegees. When we listened to the song The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, we were both crying.

- that Janvier who is now 12 years old almost 13, still hugs and kiss me every time I drop him off at school and before he goes to sleep.