Labels: living best life , motherhood , Yellowknife
Am I really a drama queen or am I just really an emotional bucket? Maybe hormonal?
When my husband and I decided to move the family here in Yellowknife, I was determined to never look back. I have decided that whatever happens I will just suck it all in and stick with the plan. My mindset was that there is nothing else in the world that I would not do for my children and my husband -- that I can be strong for this family.
But my life was slowly crumbling apart, my will was weakening, my strength was draining, and I was just a total mental wreck. Although my children would not see nor feel my dark emotions, they were slowly poisoning my mind and my soul. Literally, there was a battle between good and evil in my mind and body. My mind concocts these thoughts of wishful thinking which translates to regrets, angst, and sometimes envy. And because part of me knows that these thoughts are poisonous, my body worked hard to fight that battle. There were times that my thoughts would overpower my mind that I would completely fail in controlling myself in which point that I become isolated, uninterested and unhappy. The saddening part of this is that I fail to show my children and my husband the good side of me. I was irate, impatient, and lazy. But the truth is, I was just confused and crying inside. I was confused of who I am and probably scared of who or what I can become.
It is still too early for me to say if I already have made peace with this place (I may mean Yellowknife but I also may mean the place that is "me"). You see, I am still discovering who I am just as I am still getting to know Yellowknife. So far, in the past month (November to be exact), I began to explore my inner self and I learned that I am not alone in feeling this way (I mean Elizabeth Gilbert, hello!!!). But unlike her, I am married and with children, and all it took for me to stay focused on what is real life for me was a leather couch, books and love sent to me by my friends as a care package from Toronto. And let me tell you, love can be found in simplest things, which translates to pleasure, which transforms to happiness, that becomes that mystery called peace... even for just a moment.
July 31, 2010 in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
When my husband and I decided to move the family here in Yellowknife, I was determined to never look back. I have decided that whatever happens I will just suck it all in and stick with the plan. My mindset was that there is nothing else in the world that I would not do for my children and my husband -- that I can be strong for this family.
But my life was slowly crumbling apart, my will was weakening, my strength was draining, and I was just a total mental wreck. Although my children would not see nor feel my dark emotions, they were slowly poisoning my mind and my soul. Literally, there was a battle between good and evil in my mind and body. My mind concocts these thoughts of wishful thinking which translates to regrets, angst, and sometimes envy. And because part of me knows that these thoughts are poisonous, my body worked hard to fight that battle. There were times that my thoughts would overpower my mind that I would completely fail in controlling myself in which point that I become isolated, uninterested and unhappy. The saddening part of this is that I fail to show my children and my husband the good side of me. I was irate, impatient, and lazy. But the truth is, I was just confused and crying inside. I was confused of who I am and probably scared of who or what I can become.
It is still too early for me to say if I already have made peace with this place (I may mean Yellowknife but I also may mean the place that is "me"). You see, I am still discovering who I am just as I am still getting to know Yellowknife. So far, in the past month (November to be exact), I began to explore my inner self and I learned that I am not alone in feeling this way (I mean Elizabeth Gilbert, hello!!!). But unlike her, I am married and with children, and all it took for me to stay focused on what is real life for me was a leather couch, books and love sent to me by my friends as a care package from Toronto. And let me tell you, love can be found in simplest things, which translates to pleasure, which transforms to happiness, that becomes that mystery called peace... even for just a moment.
July 31, 2010 in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
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