Has it happened to you when a thought crosses your mind and then for some reason that thought lingers there subconsciously? It's not wishful thinking, this thought is more of a statement. For example, "I'm going to travel the world," or "I will win the lottery" or "I will be happy".

Then for some reasons these thoughts happen. Although they don't happen how you had it pictured in your mind, when and where, it is there --- it is happening.

When I was a little girl, I thought to myself that it would be nice if I will be married to my best friend, someone I knew from my childhood. I remember this thought came to when I was about ten years old. But of course this was just a thought for although there was this boy whom I considered my best friend, and I knew him since childhood,  I grew up realizing he was not the one. What happened was I ended up marrying our mutual best friend, who I also grew up with and knew since childhood. And now, my husband is my best friend.

Up to this day, this fact never fails to make me smile and it leaves me breathless, in awe of such wonder how things happen and fall into place.

Now that I look back, and if you have been following me, you must have known my quest for happiness and meaning in life. You must have read my troubled mind. But troubled as I was, I was determined to fight my affliction-- I wanted to climb out of the pit, I held on to that piece of thread that connected me to sanity.

I had to do something about it so I turned to writing. And then I met the good people of NorthWords. From that moment my life was changed.

There were other thoughts that crossed my mind when I was a little girl. Being the eldest, I had to take care of my little siblings. I did not mind the chores but I thought lifting a heavy bucket of water is a man's job, so I thought "when I have my first child it will be a boy so that he can carry a heavy bucket like this for his younger siblings and it will be okay." And yes, my eldest is a boy. He does a very good job of being the "big brother" and lifting heavy objects.

You can never underestimate the power of words. They can be really powerful even if they are just there in your thoughts. They can happen magically, mysteriously even sometimes in such weird ways. I mean I find it weird how I ended up marrying my husband. Weird and magical :)

This year's NorthWords NWT festival imprinted my mind and heart these two powerful words: I am.

"Claim it."
I am.
"Do it."
I am.
"Writer."
I am.

When I read at the Flash event during the NorthWords Festival I had to come up how to introduce myself and my story. Usually, some writers will say their name and mention the backdrop of their story and then read. I had practiced the nights before and timed myself and what I plan to read was exactly three minutes. There's not much room but a short introduction. So I thought I'd borrow from those people in Alcoholics Anonymous. My introduction was: "Hi everyone. My name is January, and I am a writer. This is my story."

When I said these words aloud to all these people, it changed me. Right at that moment, my own words empowered me. I acknowledged who I am.

So I guess what I really want to say is that in moments you feel lost, in need of light, or even comfort -- hold on to the words that will help you, thoughts that keep you going. Although you'll never know for sure what is in store for you, what matters is that you keep positive. And in most cases, BELIEVE.

By the way, I did think that someday my name will be on a newspaper. Who knew?

The power of words is felt, lived, and immortalized by us. It is still upon us to release the intensity or impact of its meaning. We all have the responsibility to take action, to give back, to share the generous and humbling gifts of wisdom, skills, talents, and capabilities that are bestowed upon us. We should not fear the greatness we can do and only then we shall benefit from the power of words.

"It’s amazing what you can do

when you stop worrying about failing." - Anne Sweeney

It's amazing how a person's attitude changes once you open your mind to great possibilities --- once you are no longer afraid of failing, for all you see, all you think about, is how life is truly a worthwhile fun adventure. Everyday!

At this age, I am so excited, so grateful, to be feeling like Olivia here.

What makes us stressful? What would it take for us to be grateful for what we have? Why do we constantly want to accomplish something when we always beat ourselves along the way anyway?

I have heard a lot of times that we learn to appreciate things or realize the importance of someone or something when it is gone. Why can we not just love and cherish the important things now and stop looking elsewhere? Why is it easier for us to say, "I want more" instead of "Thank you for all of these"? Is it because we think we know more and that we can do more so therefore we deserve more? Or perhaps it is because we unconsciously have it in our head that truly, the grass is greener on the other side, that we as humans just want what we do not have. Or maybe because we are just naturally competitive, if we are not competing with each other, we compete with our selves. We look at the lives of others, those who have done well, and then we look at those who in our own made up individual standards have done poorly. We stand where we are and we find ourselves looking up to those who we think are admirable and say to ourselves we want to be like them, and unconsciously or consciously make our decisions as to what we want to do or who we want to be in life based on what we see from others. We want to be known, we want to be heard, we want to make our mark. We become driven. And when we have that drive, we want to see results, results that we want to be able to measure, in numbers, in money, in material wealth because ultimately though we like it or not, we as society equate material possessions to success and that it is only when we have these material wealth that we can then say to ourselves, "I am accomplished. I am fulfilled. I am successful."

"Ambition is an unusual word, " Donald Trump says, but I say that not only it is unusual it is also tricky for once you lose your sight to what really matters, ambition can lead you to the dark hole and sometimes all alone with no one but yourself in a pedestal.

Do what you do and aim high, do your best at all times but do not lose and drown yourself in isolation and being apart from what matters most in life. Be thankful --- for gratitude can give you the peace of mind, the pleasure of fulfillment, the sense of pride that no material wealth can provide. Gratitude makes you feel joyous, that kind of happiness that builds up in your heart and puts a smile in your lips. Find reasons to be thankful for everyday because there is truly an abundance around you, from the sun that shines, the air you breathe, the water you drink, the warmth of your bed, that piece of old day bread you just ate.

The time I started not thinking about "me" and started thinking about "them"---my children and my husband, I felt better. I'd like to think that my sense of being is about them, that my purpose is they, that they are truly the essence of what life is for me.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Do you feel that you could be doing something else instead of what you are doing now? Say you want to be a pilot but instead you are one of those who check the baggage? You know, just like Jay Baruchel's character in the movie She's Out of My League? You know you want to fly that plane, but you are not doing it because you think you do not have what it takes.

Oftentimes, some people tend to think less of themselves. Instead of giving themselves a 10 out of 10 they rate themselves as a 5, 6, or 7, very rarely an 8 or a 9 and never a 10.

While it is a good thing to be modest, and be humble, thinking less of yourself is totally a different thing. It is like you already have set yourself into a trap where there is no way out, you are stuck there for the rest of your life because you think that this is all you can do and therefore you are just going to be happy with it.

See the bad part of thinking less about yourself is when you stop believing in yourself, when you cease to believe that you can be better of what you are now, that you deserve more than what you have now, and the worst part of all is that when you stop taking chances. Life is about taking chances, about seizing opportunities, about moving forward; it is about believing you can achieve, that you can leap, that you can, that you are.

In the movie She's Out of My League, Jay's character ended up flying a plane, taking the girl of his dreams on a flight to their romantic date all because he believed that no number or rating system can stop him from becoming what he wants to be and taking his chance to be with the perfect girl.

The point is do not let other people's rating on you lower your self esteem. The best thing you can do when this happens is to prove them wrong. If you think you do not have what it takes, then get up and do something about it. You have as much chance as them. The difference though is how much you really want that chance and how much an opportunity means to you. Just let me tell you this --- there is no rating system that can stop you from getting what you want, from going where you want to be, from being what you want to become. Believe in yourself buddy! You can do it and you will! Just remember to work really hard and giving your best at what you do, because although knowing that you are a 10 out of 10 ( meaning knowing that you have what it takes) can help you get an easy way to get where you want to be, it does not guarantee you a long stay over there --- it is the doing and the proving that keeps you where you should be.

Have you ever felt lost and tired of looking for that place where you are supposed to be that you walk and you look left and right and you get frustrated because you cannot find what you are looking for and then you suddenly see something familiar which makes your heart race that you stop, you look, and then realize and say to yourself, no hold on... I am on the right place.

All this time that I have been here in Yellowknife, after leaving my job back in Toronto, I have been feeling so lost that I could not help it but get frustrated at myself for not knowing where I should be going. I know that I am at the right place, but I was not exactly sure if I should move forward or just stay still. It is as if I am standing still in front of this entrance worried that I could be going inside the wrong building.

That's what I felt today when I joined the NorthWords Writers.

Writing has always been something I enjoy and take a sweet pride on. I would write and write and write, and after writing, I would read it again and again and again. It is as if somebody else has written it that I get lost in the emotions when I read my own writing. When I was in grade 11, our teacher asked us to write a short story. After about three weeks, our teacher handed it back to us and said that my story was chosen to represent our school in the Toronto Short Story Writing contest. I felt scared. I did not know what to do. But I did what I had to do. I proofread my story, made sure I did not have any wrong spelling and wrong grammar. And that was it. My teacher mailed my story to enter it.

And then the day came. About 25 students from various schools in the city were there and 5 judges. All the students received back their stories with comments from all the 5 judges. One of the comment that stood out for me said, "You have a gift in writing. I like how you talked about poverty in the character's life by describing how she feels... when she wakes up feeling so cold in the morning with no heat. You have a good grasp of your theme and the ending is dramatic. But what you have here is not a short story, this is a novel. You have a lot of characters and there is a lot of things going on."

I kept that piece hidden since and the thought of being able to write pushed way back inside my head.

The NorthWords Writers is composed of a group of northern writers. Some of them are published authors while some are working on their novels and are looking into getting published. The memory of being surrounded by writers came back to me but the feeling was not the same. This time, we were not being judged but being encouraged to write. I asked if anyone has felt any confidence issues and I was surprised that I was not alone. I was told that I can do it and I can make my dreams come true. It was a very encouraging and engaging session that I felt comfortable with them. I felt a sense of pride to be with them. I felt that I belong and that I am home.

What I am taking from now on in is that confidence is something that you provide yourself, and that writers take confidence from each other too. And I felt that confidence today... that the thought of being able to write is no longer pushed back inside my head but is now here in front of me... all around me.

So as I am now standing still and looking at this entrance in front of me, I no longer feel lost because I know in my heart that I am where I am supposed to be. All I have to do now is walk right in.

Since I was a child about 10 years of age, I remember lying down in bed and thinking of why am I here, what is my purpose here? I remember how those nights would make me cry as I think of the things I have done. Am I a good student, a good daughter, was I too harsh to my sister, did I have to fight with my brother? What is it that I have to do in this life? Have I done a good job so far? Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?

When my father died before I turned eighteen, I remember that is when I stopped thinking of what my purpose is. When I asked him one night, a long time ago, he told me that my purpose was to change him --- to put direction in his life. And so when he died, I realized that I don't remember asking myself anymore. But now, here I am again --- asking myself and crying inside.

I am fortunate to have this blessed life with my sons and a loving husband. Being a mother and a wife is a gift that is like no other. But I feel I can do more than just being a mother and a wife which is making me doubt myself again. Why do I feel limited? Why am I seeking for more when being a mother and a wife is already a sacred duty on its own? I told my friend that I think I am feeling this way because I think way too ahead of what is going to happen to me once all my sons are grown up and have their own lives. I told her that I don't want to be one of those mothers who have nothing left to do after their children have left them. Because if my purpose is to take care of them, what is my purpose then after when they can take care of themselves? I also feel that there is something bigger than me that I am supposed to do and that I am just feeling stuck.

But then my friend who is ever so wise and such an angel in my life wrote me this, "If you want to be in their memories tomorrow, be in their life today." I am so grateful for having a friend who keeps me where I should be when I feel that I am lost. Reading her note made me realize that with all of the confusion and self-loathing, and while there is vast of possibilities of what I could become, this I know for sure --- I want to be a good memory to my children because ultimately, in the end, a good memory is what I will be. I know that this is not the end to my quest to what my bigger or biggest purpose in life is, but for now, I will take it from here.