I am anxious. The butterflies are rowdy and up to my neck. This moment is happening and I am in awe that this moment is real.

Speechless.

Everything was moving slowly when I moved with my family to Yellowknife. I had all the time in the world I did not know what to do with me. I was in the abyss of self loathing, it was awful. But all those sleepless nights, all those dark nights, and deafening voices in my head had come to an end. I feel I've shed my skin and here I am, now stronger and wiser.

I am not looking back, but I am reminiscing.
This very moment is about reflection of how things came out to be. Of how everything fell into place, of how moments become memories.... how choices become destiny.

 And here I am grateful.


For more photos of the book launch of Coming Home: Stories from Northwest Territories
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sefdesign

For more info about the book and how to order:
http://northwordsnwt.ca/coming-home-on-sale-now/
http://www.greatplains.mb.ca/
http://www.amazon.ca/Coming-Home-Stories-Northwest-Territories/

To hear an excerpt:
http://www.cbc.ca/thetrailbreaker/

Has it happened to you when a thought crosses your mind and then for some reason that thought lingers there subconsciously? It's not wishful thinking, this thought is more of a statement. For example, "I'm going to travel the world," or "I will win the lottery" or "I will be happy".

Then for some reasons these thoughts happen. Although they don't happen how you had it pictured in your mind, when and where, it is there --- it is happening.

When I was a little girl, I thought to myself that it would be nice if I will be married to my best friend, someone I knew from my childhood. I remember this thought came to when I was about ten years old. But of course this was just a thought for although there was this boy whom I considered my best friend, and I knew him since childhood,  I grew up realizing he was not the one. What happened was I ended up marrying our mutual best friend, who I also grew up with and knew since childhood. And now, my husband is my best friend.

Up to this day, this fact never fails to make me smile and it leaves me breathless, in awe of such wonder how things happen and fall into place.

Now that I look back, and if you have been following me, you must have known my quest for happiness and meaning in life. You must have read my troubled mind. But troubled as I was, I was determined to fight my affliction-- I wanted to climb out of the pit, I held on to that piece of thread that connected me to sanity.

I had to do something about it so I turned to writing. And then I met the good people of NorthWords. From that moment my life was changed.

There were other thoughts that crossed my mind when I was a little girl. Being the eldest, I had to take care of my little siblings. I did not mind the chores but I thought lifting a heavy bucket of water is a man's job, so I thought "when I have my first child it will be a boy so that he can carry a heavy bucket like this for his younger siblings and it will be okay." And yes, my eldest is a boy. He does a very good job of being the "big brother" and lifting heavy objects.

You can never underestimate the power of words. They can be really powerful even if they are just there in your thoughts. They can happen magically, mysteriously even sometimes in such weird ways. I mean I find it weird how I ended up marrying my husband. Weird and magical :)

This year's NorthWords NWT festival imprinted my mind and heart these two powerful words: I am.

"Claim it."
I am.
"Do it."
I am.
"Writer."
I am.

When I read at the Flash event during the NorthWords Festival I had to come up how to introduce myself and my story. Usually, some writers will say their name and mention the backdrop of their story and then read. I had practiced the nights before and timed myself and what I plan to read was exactly three minutes. There's not much room but a short introduction. So I thought I'd borrow from those people in Alcoholics Anonymous. My introduction was: "Hi everyone. My name is January, and I am a writer. This is my story."

When I said these words aloud to all these people, it changed me. Right at that moment, my own words empowered me. I acknowledged who I am.

So I guess what I really want to say is that in moments you feel lost, in need of light, or even comfort -- hold on to the words that will help you, thoughts that keep you going. Although you'll never know for sure what is in store for you, what matters is that you keep positive. And in most cases, BELIEVE.

By the way, I did think that someday my name will be on a newspaper. Who knew?

The power of words is felt, lived, and immortalized by us. It is still upon us to release the intensity or impact of its meaning. We all have the responsibility to take action, to give back, to share the generous and humbling gifts of wisdom, skills, talents, and capabilities that are bestowed upon us. We should not fear the greatness we can do and only then we shall benefit from the power of words.

When I was living in Toronto, and was working full time, the way I dealt with my problems or issues were using the words, "Forget it!" or "I'm too busy to even worry about that" or, "I have no time". When my family moved here to Yellowknife, my issues were a lot different than before, not only that they were so different, I have all the time in the world to think, to worry, and to feel them. So there are times I do feel less thankful, and maybe when you feel the least thankful, maybe these can help you. I practice this everyday. There are times that I forget and that happens, I try not to fret but instead I just continue on with my day thinking of how to make the day much better than yesterday.

So here:
1. When you get up in the morning, notice your feet, your hands, your whole body. Be thankful you are still alive. Smile right away.
2. Acknowledge yourself. Feel the energy. Fuel that energy with love and high spirit that you can give to others, whether at home or at work, or to some random people you may encounter during the day. I give my love and energy to my boys.
3. Say grace before meal. Be grateful of the abundance that is given to you through God's blessing. I love it when after every time we say grace before meal, my youngest Jesse says "Eating time!"
4. Look at your own life. Examine it. Know that everyone makes mistakes, but what makes the difference is learning the lesson and improving from it. You can never feel better comparing your own life to others. They too have problems you are not even aware of and sometimes they do not even know is coming. Same as you.
5. Feed your hunger for excellence even if it just means taking time to read a good book or doing the crossword puzzles. I write. And I do volunteer work.
6. Practice kindness. When you do, people notice and remember and then as you are spreading kindness, you feed from the kindness that comes back. Sometimes it comes back, but sometimes it does not. But when it does come back, it comes back in doubles.
7. Give love. You can give love even through email. I give love through hugs. I mostly give them to my boys. We do a lot of group hugs.
8. Be inspired. I remember how shopping makes me feel excited. And I realized that although shopping helped me to have a good day, it is not my source of inspiration. Rather, it was my addiction. Words of wisdom are truly one of the sources of my inspirations. The words I read, my spirit feeds on them and after writing them down, after I have expressed my thoughts, I feel content. I feel that I am satisfied.
9. Do not be attached or fixated on material things. Remember that their value depreciates, and goes out of style. You, your spirit, your value should never be based on what you have or what you own. Remember that everything can be lost in a blink of an eye especially at this time of economic uncertainty.
10. Shift your mindset. Do something else out of your routine, sometimes even out of your comfort zone. When you find yourself going to the computer and it depresses you, then stop. Watch a funny movie. Or when you feel you are starting to feel down, or lousy, or depressed, take a run, a walk or jog. Sometimes, a distraction helps. One night, I was writing and my husband came into the room I said, "Oh you are a distraction." He said, "I thought I was an inspiration." I said, "No. Not this time. But being a distraction is not bad. Not at all." I stopped and put my journal down. I turned to him as he lay down on my side, and curled right next to him with a smile. On my journal, the last words I had written were, "I am such a sad woman..." and I never got to continue that piece.

And for something extra. Always leave something extra in case of emergencies, right? Or when everything else has been tried and exhausted.

11. Say a prayer. Notice your breath. Give thanks to the Lord, for all His blessings, His undying love, for keeping you healthy and safe, for keeping your loved ones healthy and safe, and for keeping you --- that you are ready to face another day.

I am not going to lie. Being here in Yellowknife and being a stay at home mother drove me mad, unhappy, jealous, envious, depressed --- just plain ugly. Almost everyday, I woke up feeling sluggish, uninterested to what the day would bring because I knew how boring it would be anyway. So, I would go to the computer, open my mailbox, and see what the good people of Oprah.com have sent me to read for the day. The subject reads: 15 Things to be Grateful for Right Now. And so, I thought, "Now this I have got to read."

When I clicked on the email, my eyes were caught on these words: Simple Ways to Practice Gratitude Everyday. So I clicked on that and then my eyes were brought to these words: The Power of Gratitude: It's About What You Have, Not What You're Going to Get. So I read, scrolled down, browse, skimmed through words.

And then my eyes were here. Not only my eyes, but my mind was too. "Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." And so I thought, "It's about what I have, and what I have should make me feel successful and fulfilled in life." But it was hard not to think of the things I want, or of the fun things I used to do, or of the people I used to see. It was hard not to think of the financial freedom I used to have when I was still working. Those things, the life I used to have made me feel that I was successful, that I was fulfilled. And this life I have now, I don't feel it.

But I continued reading. I had to feed my hunger for inspirational words that day. I had to know the simple ways to practice gratitude everyday. And as soon as I read, "Write cards or e-mails expressing your gratitude for others: genuine, specific and personal" I immediately clicked on my outlook icon and sent this email without finishing the whole article.

________________________________________________________________

From: January Go
To: Rania, Rishi, Kathleen
Date: 08/03/2011 1:09 PM
Subject: You are getting this email because...


Hello, hello...

So you are getting this email because I am doing "The Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude Every Day" (and because I am Oprah's disciple) and one way is to send an email: "genuine, specific, and personal" she says.

Yes, I am grateful for you... the three of you and your families and your love ones.

And I am a little smile happier today than yesterday. I hope you are always a bigger smile happier than yesterday.

January ^_^


And within minutes, I received these:

--------------------------------------------------------
From: Rania
Date: August 3, 2011 1:20:24 PM MDT
To: January Go
Subject: Re: You are getting this email because...

You are so cute and you made me smile so I am genuinely grateful that you sent me this email.
________________________________
From: Rishi
Date: August 3, 2011 1:14:05 PM MDT
To: January Go
Subject: Re: You are getting this email because...

I too am grateful for you and your family and your loved ones.

I too am a little smile happier today than yesterday. I hope you are always a bigger smile happier than yesterday.

just to add to that...you can say this and have your kids, loved ones say this too everyday..."Everyday in Every Way, I'm getting better and better."

Luv Ya Jan! : )
________________________________
From: Kathleen
Date: August 3, 2011 1:12:49 PM MDT
To: January Go
Subject: Re: You are getting this email because...

Oh, you and Oprah.
Love you too January
________________________________
And so needless to say, that made me happy. Words can do that to me. And so I gave my boys a group hug and continued on with my day. And yes, with a slightly but a lot bigger smile than before.

So, all of us have had our "firsts", right? First steps, first birthday cake, first love, first kiss, first date, the first deed. And we all know how those memories are special because in some ways, shape or form, our first do make an impact in our life.

If you have been reading my thoughts, you must know by now how messed up my mind can get, how emotional of a lady I can be, how basically little tiny things touch my heart. And you must know by now that this blog is about me shaping my life so I can live the best life I could possibly have.

So, here is a secret I have discovered (but first let me take a deep breath --- Haaaaahh) Ok, that was good. Listen, not only have I discovered this secret, I lived it! The secret is to be brave --- to be courageous, to face your fear, to tell yourself you can do it because you have to do it, to start it, to do it now. Ok maybe this was not a secret, maybe I already heard someone say this or perhaps have seen this on Oprah. Anyway, here is what happened: My husband got a job here in Yellowknife, we moved here, I was going crazy and did not know what to do with me. That's the prelude, he he he....

Then I went to my first writing workshop hosted by NorthWords.

Then I became part of NorthWords Writers Festival.

Then the next thing I know we were preparing to organize the 6th Annual NorthWords Festival.

Then, I was having dinner with writers --- aspiring writers, emerging writers, published writers, bestselling and award-winning authors. Oh my God! You can imagine the high and vibrant energy of all these people being sucked by my being and all this just inside me --- in my fingers, my hand, my knees, my feet, my stomach, in my heart. Charlotte Gray was there. She is an award-winning biographer and historian, and author of eight acclaimed books of literary non-fiction. She is best known for her 2006 bestseller, Reluctant Genius: The Passionate Life and Inventive Mind of Alexander Graham Bell. Her recent book and the most ambitious is Gold Diggers - striking it rich in the Klondike. Susan Juby, the inspiring author of Alice MacLeod book series, Nice Recovery, and The Woefield Poultry Collective, was also there. I tell you, I was starstruck! And most of all honored and privileged to be around these amazing and fascinating people. Oh, hold on... they were not talking to me yet at this point. Good thing I did not peed my pants when I had a photo with the two of them. Yes, I was giddy! But only inside. I did not want to scare them away you know.

One thing that NorthWords do and which by the way, I must say do best is to encourage and celebrate northern writers. One way of doing this is by giving the writers the chance to expose themselves to the community. And what's the best way to do it? Reading. There is Flash which is an open mic. What happens is a writer can read any piece they want to share but only for 3 minutes which is why this event is also referred to as "your 3 minutes of fame". And yesterday, I was there. I came there to watch and to read. I was going to read the story which I wrote and titled I wuv you Mommy. I practiced the night before and even timed myself of how to read it within 3 minutes. But when I got there at the Flash event, I was scared. I was thinking of ,"what if nobody liked it?" or "what if I stutter?" or "what if I read too long and people get bored?" I was thinking of nothing but negative thoughts and putting myself down. So I decided not to read and settled on admiring the talented brave people speaking, reading on the podium. One author that strike me best that day was the internationally celebrated poet Gregory Scofield. He is indeed a dynamic talent and very unique when it comes to reading and storytelling. I enjoyed the event a lot. By the time it ended, I came to say hi to Susan Juby. In our conversation, she asked me, "Why did you not read?" And I said, "Well, I did not feel brave enough." And then she goes, "Well you have to be brave next year then." And then she said bye with this illuminating smile.

The next day which was the day 2 of the festival, there was an event called Blush or what people here call Erotica. Again an open mike where people can read but this time the piece had to be sensual. And so everything that you have read so far is also a prelude of what this post was all about. Needless to say, I read that night and it was truly one of the best firsts in my life. I was grateful for the privilege of being surrounded by people who share my interest and passion, grateful for the warmth and encouragement that they give to each other and being a part of that is such a blessing. I am humbled but always inspired to be in Annelies Pool and Richard Van Camp's presence, fortunate to have found new friends (I am comfortable enough to hug them that's why) in the names of Batiste Foisy, Marianne Bromley, Cathy Jewison, David and Sandra Malcolm, Jamie Bastedo, and of course Judy McLinton and Colin Henderson. And I must tell you, the best part of it were hugs from Annelies Pool, Richard Van Camp and Helena Katz... all my inspiration, Colin Henderson's sort of high five and hand shake, Batiste Foisy's pat on my shoulder. And yes of course, the laughter, Charlotte Gray's sentiment, "You did well up there, January. That was funny!" and Susan Juby's smile as she said, "Good job. You had them at the edge of their seats."

And so without further delay, here is what I read on my IPhone note, last night at the event called Blush:An Evening of Erotica and Sensuality. And I am leaving you with this thought that of course I got from Oprah.... "Listen to what your life is whispering to you and do not waste anymore time."

Be warned. This is an adult subject matter. Enjoy.

Since I was a child about 10 years of age, I remember lying down in bed and thinking of why am I here, what is my purpose here? I remember how those nights would make me cry as I think of the things I have done. Am I a good student, a good daughter, was I too harsh to my sister, did I have to fight with my brother? What is it that I have to do in this life? Have I done a good job so far? Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?

When my father died before I turned eighteen, I remember that is when I stopped thinking of what my purpose is. When I asked him one night, a long time ago, he told me that my purpose was to change him --- to put direction in his life. And so when he died, I realized that I don't remember asking myself anymore. But now, here I am again --- asking myself and crying inside.

I am fortunate to have this blessed life with my sons and a loving husband. Being a mother and a wife is a gift that is like no other. But I feel I can do more than just being a mother and a wife which is making me doubt myself again. Why do I feel limited? Why am I seeking for more when being a mother and a wife is already a sacred duty on its own? I told my friend that I think I am feeling this way because I think way too ahead of what is going to happen to me once all my sons are grown up and have their own lives. I told her that I don't want to be one of those mothers who have nothing left to do after their children have left them. Because if my purpose is to take care of them, what is my purpose then after when they can take care of themselves? I also feel that there is something bigger than me that I am supposed to do and that I am just feeling stuck.

But then my friend who is ever so wise and such an angel in my life wrote me this, "If you want to be in their memories tomorrow, be in their life today." I am so grateful for having a friend who keeps me where I should be when I feel that I am lost. Reading her note made me realize that with all of the confusion and self-loathing, and while there is vast of possibilities of what I could become, this I know for sure --- I want to be a good memory to my children because ultimately, in the end, a good memory is what I will be. I know that this is not the end to my quest to what my bigger or biggest purpose in life is, but for now, I will take it from here.

I love Oprah. I love her like I love a cup of good coffee, a scrumptious dark chocolate, like a good book. She always makes me feel good. Since I left my job and decided to be a stay at home mother, I have been able to watch Oprah everyday. I also buy her magazines and follow her on the internet. She is just a source of inspirational positivity.

Perhaps some of the other housemothers out there feel that staying at home is frustrating, exhausting and depressing. I feel this way and when I do, I always find a way not to be swallowed by these emotions. You see, it is not just about "being a stay at home mom", but about life itself.

I think that to feel uninspired, down, or empty is normal especially when you find that your life seem to have no meaning just because you know or feel that you could be doing something else instead of what you are doing now. You are lost and oftentimes you find yourself thinking how mundane and uninteresting your life is. Depression comes and then it eats you just because you have let those emotions get through you. Some of you turn to drinking alcohol, to drugs or to anything that will make you forget about life's problems. But the truth is you are just taking an express route to spiral your life down when you do this.

It is hard to always have a positive mind and positive attitude but it is doable. I truly believe that you can shift your mindset from the negative to positive. There are a lot of resources that can help you bring positivity, excitement, and inspiration in your life. A trusted friend, a confidant, family, a group with similar interest, a good book and even an inspiring show like The Oprah Winfrey Show.

My favorite source of positivity are the good people around me. They do not necessarily have to be physically with me because their thoughts are enough. Positivity is very powerful you know. It can brighten your day and turn your life around. But you have to choose to surround yourself with positive things. You have to find your source of positivity meaning you cannot just do nothing every time you feel lost, dull, dissatisfied, or unhappy. Positivity is everywhere and you just have to open your eyes and mind from the littlest beauty to the grandest possibilities. Let good things touch your heart and light your soul. The key is you choose positivity.

Once you have chosen positivity, you will start to feel good about yourself, about other people, and will be able to have better days which will eventually make you appreciate your life more, and if needed, come up with ideas on improving your life.

It is so weird that I cry when I watch Oprah's shows. I love how she can move people to tears and how she can bring so much joy to other people with her surprises. She is such an inspiration to many. She helps people and makes a difference in their lives in so many different ways. And what I love the most is watching her cry when the person whom she helped cries with so much gratitude and when Oprah laughs as hard and jumps when her audience scream hysterically after they receive a surprise. To me this shows that what she does affects her and makes a difference on her life too. And those moments of looking at her and at the people she gives happiness to, their joy, tears, and excitement feeds my heart with so much emotions that I could not help but be moved into tears.

You do not have to have as much money as Oprah does or to have a TV show like hers to touch people's lives, to bring positivity, and make a difference. A simple little act of genuine kindness can make your day like helping an old lady, choosing to be courteous and understanding of your co-worker, sharing your lunch money to someone who needs it more, or comforting someone. Your little simple act of kindness will then accumulate within you and you will feel good about yourself, you will be inspired to do it everyday and you will start to feel that your life has a meaning. The best way to feeling positive, of inspiring others, of making a difference is starting it from within yourself. And trust me, you can do it. We can do it.

You can start feeling inspired and positive by watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. It is fun and a lot of times life changing.