Since I was a child about 10 years of age, I remember lying down in bed and thinking of why am I here, what is my purpose here? I remember how those nights would make me cry as I think of the things I have done. Am I a good student, a good daughter, was I too harsh to my sister, did I have to fight with my brother? What is it that I have to do in this life? Have I done a good job so far? Have I fulfilled my purpose yet?

When my father died before I turned eighteen, I remember that is when I stopped thinking of what my purpose is. When I asked him one night, a long time ago, he told me that my purpose was to change him --- to put direction in his life. And so when he died, I realized that I don't remember asking myself anymore. But now, here I am again --- asking myself and crying inside.

I am fortunate to have this blessed life with my sons and a loving husband. Being a mother and a wife is a gift that is like no other. But I feel I can do more than just being a mother and a wife which is making me doubt myself again. Why do I feel limited? Why am I seeking for more when being a mother and a wife is already a sacred duty on its own? I told my friend that I think I am feeling this way because I think way too ahead of what is going to happen to me once all my sons are grown up and have their own lives. I told her that I don't want to be one of those mothers who have nothing left to do after their children have left them. Because if my purpose is to take care of them, what is my purpose then after when they can take care of themselves? I also feel that there is something bigger than me that I am supposed to do and that I am just feeling stuck.

But then my friend who is ever so wise and such an angel in my life wrote me this, "If you want to be in their memories tomorrow, be in their life today." I am so grateful for having a friend who keeps me where I should be when I feel that I am lost. Reading her note made me realize that with all of the confusion and self-loathing, and while there is vast of possibilities of what I could become, this I know for sure --- I want to be a good memory to my children because ultimately, in the end, a good memory is what I will be. I know that this is not the end to my quest to what my bigger or biggest purpose in life is, but for now, I will take it from here.