Acceptance.
Peace.
Light.
Joy.
Love.

That was 2012.













Perseverance.
Positivity.
Fortitude.
Youthful Vigor.
Enthusiasm.
Abundance.

 
Here's to a glorious 2013!Let us welcome the new year with hope and grateful heart.

I am anxious. The butterflies are rowdy and up to my neck. This moment is happening and I am in awe that this moment is real.

Speechless.

Everything was moving slowly when I moved with my family to Yellowknife. I had all the time in the world I did not know what to do with me. I was in the abyss of self loathing, it was awful. But all those sleepless nights, all those dark nights, and deafening voices in my head had come to an end. I feel I've shed my skin and here I am, now stronger and wiser.

I am not looking back, but I am reminiscing.
This very moment is about reflection of how things came out to be. Of how everything fell into place, of how moments become memories.... how choices become destiny.

 And here I am grateful.


For more photos of the book launch of Coming Home: Stories from Northwest Territories
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sefdesign

For more info about the book and how to order:
http://northwordsnwt.ca/coming-home-on-sale-now/
http://www.greatplains.mb.ca/
http://www.amazon.ca/Coming-Home-Stories-Northwest-Territories/

To hear an excerpt:
http://www.cbc.ca/thetrailbreaker/

Has it happened to you when a thought crosses your mind and then for some reason that thought lingers there subconsciously? It's not wishful thinking, this thought is more of a statement. For example, "I'm going to travel the world," or "I will win the lottery" or "I will be happy".

Then for some reasons these thoughts happen. Although they don't happen how you had it pictured in your mind, when and where, it is there --- it is happening.

When I was a little girl, I thought to myself that it would be nice if I will be married to my best friend, someone I knew from my childhood. I remember this thought came to when I was about ten years old. But of course this was just a thought for although there was this boy whom I considered my best friend, and I knew him since childhood,  I grew up realizing he was not the one. What happened was I ended up marrying our mutual best friend, who I also grew up with and knew since childhood. And now, my husband is my best friend.

Up to this day, this fact never fails to make me smile and it leaves me breathless, in awe of such wonder how things happen and fall into place.

Now that I look back, and if you have been following me, you must have known my quest for happiness and meaning in life. You must have read my troubled mind. But troubled as I was, I was determined to fight my affliction-- I wanted to climb out of the pit, I held on to that piece of thread that connected me to sanity.

I had to do something about it so I turned to writing. And then I met the good people of NorthWords. From that moment my life was changed.

There were other thoughts that crossed my mind when I was a little girl. Being the eldest, I had to take care of my little siblings. I did not mind the chores but I thought lifting a heavy bucket of water is a man's job, so I thought "when I have my first child it will be a boy so that he can carry a heavy bucket like this for his younger siblings and it will be okay." And yes, my eldest is a boy. He does a very good job of being the "big brother" and lifting heavy objects.

You can never underestimate the power of words. They can be really powerful even if they are just there in your thoughts. They can happen magically, mysteriously even sometimes in such weird ways. I mean I find it weird how I ended up marrying my husband. Weird and magical :)

This year's NorthWords NWT festival imprinted my mind and heart these two powerful words: I am.

"Claim it."
I am.
"Do it."
I am.
"Writer."
I am.

When I read at the Flash event during the NorthWords Festival I had to come up how to introduce myself and my story. Usually, some writers will say their name and mention the backdrop of their story and then read. I had practiced the nights before and timed myself and what I plan to read was exactly three minutes. There's not much room but a short introduction. So I thought I'd borrow from those people in Alcoholics Anonymous. My introduction was: "Hi everyone. My name is January, and I am a writer. This is my story."

When I said these words aloud to all these people, it changed me. Right at that moment, my own words empowered me. I acknowledged who I am.

So I guess what I really want to say is that in moments you feel lost, in need of light, or even comfort -- hold on to the words that will help you, thoughts that keep you going. Although you'll never know for sure what is in store for you, what matters is that you keep positive. And in most cases, BELIEVE.

By the way, I did think that someday my name will be on a newspaper. Who knew?

The power of words is felt, lived, and immortalized by us. It is still upon us to release the intensity or impact of its meaning. We all have the responsibility to take action, to give back, to share the generous and humbling gifts of wisdom, skills, talents, and capabilities that are bestowed upon us. We should not fear the greatness we can do and only then we shall benefit from the power of words.

I am full of insecurities. It is weird because as I grow older, the more insecure I become. This makes me afraid and messed up --- in my head.
I fear that I am not good enough.

When I was younger, I lived by this words of St. Augustine " Humility is the way to greatness". As the eldest among four siblings, I felt the pressure of being the "good" student, the must be role model, the has-to-be ideal daughter. I would feel uncomfortable every time my father would give me praises in front of my siblings in fear that my brothers and sisters would think that I am boastful and feel differently towards me. I feared that they would treat me differently. So every time  my father would say a good word about me, I shyly walk away out of the conversation, no thank-you's, no acknowledgements saying "Yes, I did that".  While other students proudly displayed their medals and awards, I hid mine in a box and tucked them all the way inside my dresser---never to be opened, to be shown, to be discussed.

Validity. All of us have this need to feel validated. We feel good, we feel worthy when others acknowledge us. But we have to remember that we have to validate ourselves first. No matter how or what encouragement others give to us, there is no use if we do not believe in ourselves. When St. Augustine preached about humility, he did not mean for me to be shy, he did not mean that I hide in the dark and put myself down thinking I am not good enough. He meant that I accept myself for how God made me, that I be humble enough to say thank you.

So here it is. A big THANK YOU!

Please visit this site for more details about the book: http://northwordsnwt.ca/anthology

Daddy, this one's for you. I hope I made you smile up there.

I don't understand how someone can be nice to a person when the other person is present, then talk behind the other person's back after, calling the other names. This is something that boggles my mind because obviously I do not do it. However, unfortunately, I do not think that I was not ever a victim of it. In fact, now that I am back in the workforce I know I would have to deal with it just because I have heard this person talk about this other person several times. In fact, in my third day of work, I already overheard this person talk about me, which did not bother me because the comments this person made was really about the conversation we had and I did not overhear any name calling. Yesterday, however, this person and I had another situation, where it was going so bad because during our conversation, both of us, oblivious to our tone, were both talking in high pitch. We resolved our issue, but I know for sure that this person already had talked about it, and probably called me some names, as soon as I left the office. And this is why, at 2:40 am, I am blogging, instead of sleeping.

Now how do I deal with this. First, let me tell you a story. When I was in elementary school, all of us students were trained to be polite and courteous to our teachers and the simplest way to show this is to greet them in the hallway saying, "Good morning Sir, or Ma'am". A good student such as I did that with no problems. However, one afternoon, in the Phys Ed class, this male teacher, made a remark about girls which I found very inappropriate. Although he was joking at that time, I found it very irresponsible of him. I lost my respect for him that very moment and never greeted him in the hallway. I graduated from that school and I have no recollection of ever talking to him since that class. Now that I think about this, I may have judged him too quickly but I do not know any better in grade five. Or maybe I did.

"If you have nothing good to say, don't say it," is one of the many words I live by, but if I do have to speak out, or say something, I just do not name names. Naming names to me is irrelevant in resolving an issue and it becomes personal. Or if the situation is something that I can just dust off my shoulder, I just shrug. And because this is my mentality, I feel uncomfortable when I hear people calling names and talk about other people behind their back and then when I see them the next morning, this person who does the name calling greets the oblivious co-worker in the hallway. If that person does that to the other, what makes me so special that this person will not do the same to me?

"Treat each other duly and with respect." How I dealt with the "sexual commenting teacher" in elementary is not applicable to this "name calling person" at work. I cannot avoid or ignore this person. That is just unprofessional and would cause more name calling. Notice that the word "duly" is separated but at the same time connected to the word "respect." Because if you look up the word "duly", it means "in accordance with what is required or appropriate," but also it is defined "as might be expected or predicted." Expected or predicted, cause and effect, name calling and then name calling. Hmmnn... there is a pattern here. I could make this person have a taste of his or her own medicine but is that appropriate? No. So let's think of something else. Because we know that this person calls other person names, what if I treat this person extra nicer the next day? And because I know I am authentically nice this would be easier for me to do rather than pretend to be a bitch and then fall apart after, so bitchy attitude is a no-no and is just bad for my skin, my heart and health. So that's one way, treat this "name calling person" appropriately. Respect is self explanatory and most of the time is what appropriate. We should always try our best to treat others with respect because each of us deserves it. No excuses. There is no need to be condescending, in our words and even in our thoughts of others. Each of us just want to be heard, including me, so I do thank you for your time listening to my thoughts.

I think I better go to bed now because I have to go to work in about four hours and I am on a mission. Sweet dreams to you and to me.

"It’s amazing what you can do

when you stop worrying about failing." - Anne Sweeney

It's amazing how a person's attitude changes once you open your mind to great possibilities --- once you are no longer afraid of failing, for all you see, all you think about, is how life is truly a worthwhile fun adventure. Everyday!

At this age, I am so excited, so grateful, to be feeling like Olivia here.

Today is the first day of September and although it is bright and sunny, one can feel that the frost is soon to be here again in Yellowknife. And before that cool frost comes, I thought I should share with you one of the fun summer activities I have been doing.

I have been doing some gardening as a volunteer for CNIB or Canadian National Institute For The Blind. I planted potatoes, carrots, lettuce and a lot more. It was cool because I have not done this before, ever! And the coolest part was getting my hands dirty, digging that earth, knowing that in the littlest way, I am being a part of my new community.

So here are the photos of the garden.

Every time I come out of a yoga session, I am always with a big bright smile ...

kinda like this guy


No, that guy has a big wide grin.

This guy here....

Hmmmnn... he is chuckling. Yoga does not make me chuckle.

I think this one...

Yep, that smile. It's close but still not quite.

Here.

Yes. This one. That's the kind of smile I get. Mysterious huh. It's not. It's bliss.

When I was living in Toronto, and was working full time, the way I dealt with my problems or issues were using the words, "Forget it!" or "I'm too busy to even worry about that" or, "I have no time". When my family moved here to Yellowknife, my issues were a lot different than before, not only that they were so different, I have all the time in the world to think, to worry, and to feel them. So there are times I do feel less thankful, and maybe when you feel the least thankful, maybe these can help you. I practice this everyday. There are times that I forget and that happens, I try not to fret but instead I just continue on with my day thinking of how to make the day much better than yesterday.

So here:
1. When you get up in the morning, notice your feet, your hands, your whole body. Be thankful you are still alive. Smile right away.
2. Acknowledge yourself. Feel the energy. Fuel that energy with love and high spirit that you can give to others, whether at home or at work, or to some random people you may encounter during the day. I give my love and energy to my boys.
3. Say grace before meal. Be grateful of the abundance that is given to you through God's blessing. I love it when after every time we say grace before meal, my youngest Jesse says "Eating time!"
4. Look at your own life. Examine it. Know that everyone makes mistakes, but what makes the difference is learning the lesson and improving from it. You can never feel better comparing your own life to others. They too have problems you are not even aware of and sometimes they do not even know is coming. Same as you.
5. Feed your hunger for excellence even if it just means taking time to read a good book or doing the crossword puzzles. I write. And I do volunteer work.
6. Practice kindness. When you do, people notice and remember and then as you are spreading kindness, you feed from the kindness that comes back. Sometimes it comes back, but sometimes it does not. But when it does come back, it comes back in doubles.
7. Give love. You can give love even through email. I give love through hugs. I mostly give them to my boys. We do a lot of group hugs.
8. Be inspired. I remember how shopping makes me feel excited. And I realized that although shopping helped me to have a good day, it is not my source of inspiration. Rather, it was my addiction. Words of wisdom are truly one of the sources of my inspirations. The words I read, my spirit feeds on them and after writing them down, after I have expressed my thoughts, I feel content. I feel that I am satisfied.
9. Do not be attached or fixated on material things. Remember that their value depreciates, and goes out of style. You, your spirit, your value should never be based on what you have or what you own. Remember that everything can be lost in a blink of an eye especially at this time of economic uncertainty.
10. Shift your mindset. Do something else out of your routine, sometimes even out of your comfort zone. When you find yourself going to the computer and it depresses you, then stop. Watch a funny movie. Or when you feel you are starting to feel down, or lousy, or depressed, take a run, a walk or jog. Sometimes, a distraction helps. One night, I was writing and my husband came into the room I said, "Oh you are a distraction." He said, "I thought I was an inspiration." I said, "No. Not this time. But being a distraction is not bad. Not at all." I stopped and put my journal down. I turned to him as he lay down on my side, and curled right next to him with a smile. On my journal, the last words I had written were, "I am such a sad woman..." and I never got to continue that piece.

And for something extra. Always leave something extra in case of emergencies, right? Or when everything else has been tried and exhausted.

11. Say a prayer. Notice your breath. Give thanks to the Lord, for all His blessings, His undying love, for keeping you healthy and safe, for keeping your loved ones healthy and safe, and for keeping you --- that you are ready to face another day.

Now is this not something to think about? Because admit it or not, in today's age, success is determined based on material things and superficial ideas. And value is measured by one's net worth. At least that's what we can mostly read in the news, in magazines, on the net, and on t.v.

Think about it, the economy crashes down, the United States on deficit and unable to pay their debts results to a lower rating by S&P, and what do we think about them? That's it, they are going down, they are no longer the number one country, they now have less value.

That's a big picture and too much for what I really want to say.

In magazines, we are bombarded with how costly a couture bag or a designers outfit cost, expensive and loaded luxurious cars, how many mansions or estates a celebrity couple own in different countries, and we say, "Man, I want those!" We see the words "The richest man" or "The youngest millionaires. How they did it" and we are mesmerized. Their images on these magazines is what we picture success is. And we think to ourselves, how will I ever get to be in that position? How do I become a success?

And we try. We try and try and try. And we find ourselves lost, stressed, and with deteriorating relationships, and failing health. We think where did we go wrong? What am I doing that is not working? Why am I failing?

At this day and age, it is difficult not to be confused with what success truly means. I mean look at the reality shows on the television. I don't watch them, I am just aware that they exist. Why would people want to be in that position? It's about fame (superficial ideal), because it means money, because money means success. Is it worth it? Really?

There is nothing wrong in wanting, or dreaming a comfortable life, or dreaming big. But we should not forget that anything monetary does not equate to the true meaning of success or the true value of who we are. If you as a person, in your everyday dealings, manifest decency, integrity and respect, live each day without hurting or belittling anyone, doing the best you can so you be a better person for the people you love and the people around you, I think that you are closer to being a valuable person as anyone who is in the Forbes list.

To be successful is to be worthy of all the God given talents and blessings that are given to you; and only when you share your worth to others that you become a man of value. In my opinion, this is what true success means.

I am not going to lie. Being here in Yellowknife and being a stay at home mother drove me mad, unhappy, jealous, envious, depressed --- just plain ugly. Almost everyday, I woke up feeling sluggish, uninterested to what the day would bring because I knew how boring it would be anyway. So, I would go to the computer, open my mailbox, and see what the good people of Oprah.com have sent me to read for the day. The subject reads: 15 Things to be Grateful for Right Now. And so, I thought, "Now this I have got to read."

When I clicked on the email, my eyes were caught on these words: Simple Ways to Practice Gratitude Everyday. So I clicked on that and then my eyes were brought to these words: The Power of Gratitude: It's About What You Have, Not What You're Going to Get. So I read, scrolled down, browse, skimmed through words.

And then my eyes were here. Not only my eyes, but my mind was too. "Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life." And so I thought, "It's about what I have, and what I have should make me feel successful and fulfilled in life." But it was hard not to think of the things I want, or of the fun things I used to do, or of the people I used to see. It was hard not to think of the financial freedom I used to have when I was still working. Those things, the life I used to have made me feel that I was successful, that I was fulfilled. And this life I have now, I don't feel it.

But I continued reading. I had to feed my hunger for inspirational words that day. I had to know the simple ways to practice gratitude everyday. And as soon as I read, "Write cards or e-mails expressing your gratitude for others: genuine, specific and personal" I immediately clicked on my outlook icon and sent this email without finishing the whole article.

________________________________________________________________

From: January Go
To: Rania, Rishi, Kathleen
Date: 08/03/2011 1:09 PM
Subject: You are getting this email because...


Hello, hello...

So you are getting this email because I am doing "The Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude Every Day" (and because I am Oprah's disciple) and one way is to send an email: "genuine, specific, and personal" she says.

Yes, I am grateful for you... the three of you and your families and your love ones.

And I am a little smile happier today than yesterday. I hope you are always a bigger smile happier than yesterday.

January ^_^


And within minutes, I received these:

--------------------------------------------------------
From: Rania
Date: August 3, 2011 1:20:24 PM MDT
To: January Go
Subject: Re: You are getting this email because...

You are so cute and you made me smile so I am genuinely grateful that you sent me this email.
________________________________
From: Rishi
Date: August 3, 2011 1:14:05 PM MDT
To: January Go
Subject: Re: You are getting this email because...

I too am grateful for you and your family and your loved ones.

I too am a little smile happier today than yesterday. I hope you are always a bigger smile happier than yesterday.

just to add to that...you can say this and have your kids, loved ones say this too everyday..."Everyday in Every Way, I'm getting better and better."

Luv Ya Jan! : )
________________________________
From: Kathleen
Date: August 3, 2011 1:12:49 PM MDT
To: January Go
Subject: Re: You are getting this email because...

Oh, you and Oprah.
Love you too January
________________________________
And so needless to say, that made me happy. Words can do that to me. And so I gave my boys a group hug and continued on with my day. And yes, with a slightly but a lot bigger smile than before.

I stumbled upon this inspirational story and I thought that it is too precious that I should share it. It is really easy for us to be consumed by all the superficial things and ideals that we lose sight of what matters most in life. For me, being here in Yellowknife is a personal struggle --- a battle that I am determined to win. I know that every day, in each small ways that I can, I am better than yesterday.