I am anxious. The butterflies are rowdy and up to my neck. This moment is happening and I am in awe that this moment is real.

Speechless.

Everything was moving slowly when I moved with my family to Yellowknife. I had all the time in the world I did not know what to do with me. I was in the abyss of self loathing, it was awful. But all those sleepless nights, all those dark nights, and deafening voices in my head had come to an end. I feel I've shed my skin and here I am, now stronger and wiser.

I am not looking back, but I am reminiscing.
This very moment is about reflection of how things came out to be. Of how everything fell into place, of how moments become memories.... how choices become destiny.

 And here I am grateful.


For more photos of the book launch of Coming Home: Stories from Northwest Territories
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sefdesign

For more info about the book and how to order:
http://northwordsnwt.ca/coming-home-on-sale-now/
http://www.greatplains.mb.ca/
http://www.amazon.ca/Coming-Home-Stories-Northwest-Territories/

To hear an excerpt:
http://www.cbc.ca/thetrailbreaker/

Has it happened to you when a thought crosses your mind and then for some reason that thought lingers there subconsciously? It's not wishful thinking, this thought is more of a statement. For example, "I'm going to travel the world," or "I will win the lottery" or "I will be happy".

Then for some reasons these thoughts happen. Although they don't happen how you had it pictured in your mind, when and where, it is there --- it is happening.

When I was a little girl, I thought to myself that it would be nice if I will be married to my best friend, someone I knew from my childhood. I remember this thought came to when I was about ten years old. But of course this was just a thought for although there was this boy whom I considered my best friend, and I knew him since childhood,  I grew up realizing he was not the one. What happened was I ended up marrying our mutual best friend, who I also grew up with and knew since childhood. And now, my husband is my best friend.

Up to this day, this fact never fails to make me smile and it leaves me breathless, in awe of such wonder how things happen and fall into place.

Now that I look back, and if you have been following me, you must have known my quest for happiness and meaning in life. You must have read my troubled mind. But troubled as I was, I was determined to fight my affliction-- I wanted to climb out of the pit, I held on to that piece of thread that connected me to sanity.

I had to do something about it so I turned to writing. And then I met the good people of NorthWords. From that moment my life was changed.

There were other thoughts that crossed my mind when I was a little girl. Being the eldest, I had to take care of my little siblings. I did not mind the chores but I thought lifting a heavy bucket of water is a man's job, so I thought "when I have my first child it will be a boy so that he can carry a heavy bucket like this for his younger siblings and it will be okay." And yes, my eldest is a boy. He does a very good job of being the "big brother" and lifting heavy objects.

You can never underestimate the power of words. They can be really powerful even if they are just there in your thoughts. They can happen magically, mysteriously even sometimes in such weird ways. I mean I find it weird how I ended up marrying my husband. Weird and magical :)

This year's NorthWords NWT festival imprinted my mind and heart these two powerful words: I am.

"Claim it."
I am.
"Do it."
I am.
"Writer."
I am.

When I read at the Flash event during the NorthWords Festival I had to come up how to introduce myself and my story. Usually, some writers will say their name and mention the backdrop of their story and then read. I had practiced the nights before and timed myself and what I plan to read was exactly three minutes. There's not much room but a short introduction. So I thought I'd borrow from those people in Alcoholics Anonymous. My introduction was: "Hi everyone. My name is January, and I am a writer. This is my story."

When I said these words aloud to all these people, it changed me. Right at that moment, my own words empowered me. I acknowledged who I am.

So I guess what I really want to say is that in moments you feel lost, in need of light, or even comfort -- hold on to the words that will help you, thoughts that keep you going. Although you'll never know for sure what is in store for you, what matters is that you keep positive. And in most cases, BELIEVE.

By the way, I did think that someday my name will be on a newspaper. Who knew?

The power of words is felt, lived, and immortalized by us. It is still upon us to release the intensity or impact of its meaning. We all have the responsibility to take action, to give back, to share the generous and humbling gifts of wisdom, skills, talents, and capabilities that are bestowed upon us. We should not fear the greatness we can do and only then we shall benefit from the power of words.

I am full of insecurities. It is weird because as I grow older, the more insecure I become. This makes me afraid and messed up --- in my head.
I fear that I am not good enough.

When I was younger, I lived by this words of St. Augustine " Humility is the way to greatness". As the eldest among four siblings, I felt the pressure of being the "good" student, the must be role model, the has-to-be ideal daughter. I would feel uncomfortable every time my father would give me praises in front of my siblings in fear that my brothers and sisters would think that I am boastful and feel differently towards me. I feared that they would treat me differently. So every time  my father would say a good word about me, I shyly walk away out of the conversation, no thank-you's, no acknowledgements saying "Yes, I did that".  While other students proudly displayed their medals and awards, I hid mine in a box and tucked them all the way inside my dresser---never to be opened, to be shown, to be discussed.

Validity. All of us have this need to feel validated. We feel good, we feel worthy when others acknowledge us. But we have to remember that we have to validate ourselves first. No matter how or what encouragement others give to us, there is no use if we do not believe in ourselves. When St. Augustine preached about humility, he did not mean for me to be shy, he did not mean that I hide in the dark and put myself down thinking I am not good enough. He meant that I accept myself for how God made me, that I be humble enough to say thank you.

So here it is. A big THANK YOU!

Please visit this site for more details about the book: http://northwordsnwt.ca/anthology

Daddy, this one's for you. I hope I made you smile up there.

So, all of us have had our "firsts", right? First steps, first birthday cake, first love, first kiss, first date, the first deed. And we all know how those memories are special because in some ways, shape or form, our first do make an impact in our life.

If you have been reading my thoughts, you must know by now how messed up my mind can get, how emotional of a lady I can be, how basically little tiny things touch my heart. And you must know by now that this blog is about me shaping my life so I can live the best life I could possibly have.

So, here is a secret I have discovered (but first let me take a deep breath --- Haaaaahh) Ok, that was good. Listen, not only have I discovered this secret, I lived it! The secret is to be brave --- to be courageous, to face your fear, to tell yourself you can do it because you have to do it, to start it, to do it now. Ok maybe this was not a secret, maybe I already heard someone say this or perhaps have seen this on Oprah. Anyway, here is what happened: My husband got a job here in Yellowknife, we moved here, I was going crazy and did not know what to do with me. That's the prelude, he he he....

Then I went to my first writing workshop hosted by NorthWords.

Then I became part of NorthWords Writers Festival.

Then the next thing I know we were preparing to organize the 6th Annual NorthWords Festival.

Then, I was having dinner with writers --- aspiring writers, emerging writers, published writers, bestselling and award-winning authors. Oh my God! You can imagine the high and vibrant energy of all these people being sucked by my being and all this just inside me --- in my fingers, my hand, my knees, my feet, my stomach, in my heart. Charlotte Gray was there. She is an award-winning biographer and historian, and author of eight acclaimed books of literary non-fiction. She is best known for her 2006 bestseller, Reluctant Genius: The Passionate Life and Inventive Mind of Alexander Graham Bell. Her recent book and the most ambitious is Gold Diggers - striking it rich in the Klondike. Susan Juby, the inspiring author of Alice MacLeod book series, Nice Recovery, and The Woefield Poultry Collective, was also there. I tell you, I was starstruck! And most of all honored and privileged to be around these amazing and fascinating people. Oh, hold on... they were not talking to me yet at this point. Good thing I did not peed my pants when I had a photo with the two of them. Yes, I was giddy! But only inside. I did not want to scare them away you know.

One thing that NorthWords do and which by the way, I must say do best is to encourage and celebrate northern writers. One way of doing this is by giving the writers the chance to expose themselves to the community. And what's the best way to do it? Reading. There is Flash which is an open mic. What happens is a writer can read any piece they want to share but only for 3 minutes which is why this event is also referred to as "your 3 minutes of fame". And yesterday, I was there. I came there to watch and to read. I was going to read the story which I wrote and titled I wuv you Mommy. I practiced the night before and even timed myself of how to read it within 3 minutes. But when I got there at the Flash event, I was scared. I was thinking of ,"what if nobody liked it?" or "what if I stutter?" or "what if I read too long and people get bored?" I was thinking of nothing but negative thoughts and putting myself down. So I decided not to read and settled on admiring the talented brave people speaking, reading on the podium. One author that strike me best that day was the internationally celebrated poet Gregory Scofield. He is indeed a dynamic talent and very unique when it comes to reading and storytelling. I enjoyed the event a lot. By the time it ended, I came to say hi to Susan Juby. In our conversation, she asked me, "Why did you not read?" And I said, "Well, I did not feel brave enough." And then she goes, "Well you have to be brave next year then." And then she said bye with this illuminating smile.

The next day which was the day 2 of the festival, there was an event called Blush or what people here call Erotica. Again an open mike where people can read but this time the piece had to be sensual. And so everything that you have read so far is also a prelude of what this post was all about. Needless to say, I read that night and it was truly one of the best firsts in my life. I was grateful for the privilege of being surrounded by people who share my interest and passion, grateful for the warmth and encouragement that they give to each other and being a part of that is such a blessing. I am humbled but always inspired to be in Annelies Pool and Richard Van Camp's presence, fortunate to have found new friends (I am comfortable enough to hug them that's why) in the names of Batiste Foisy, Marianne Bromley, Cathy Jewison, David and Sandra Malcolm, Jamie Bastedo, and of course Judy McLinton and Colin Henderson. And I must tell you, the best part of it were hugs from Annelies Pool, Richard Van Camp and Helena Katz... all my inspiration, Colin Henderson's sort of high five and hand shake, Batiste Foisy's pat on my shoulder. And yes of course, the laughter, Charlotte Gray's sentiment, "You did well up there, January. That was funny!" and Susan Juby's smile as she said, "Good job. You had them at the edge of their seats."

And so without further delay, here is what I read on my IPhone note, last night at the event called Blush:An Evening of Erotica and Sensuality. And I am leaving you with this thought that of course I got from Oprah.... "Listen to what your life is whispering to you and do not waste anymore time."

Be warned. This is an adult subject matter. Enjoy.