So do you have a bucket list? You know, the list of the things you want to do before you die? I think it is called a bucket list because it was inspired by the Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson's movie where their characters made a list of things to do before they die and put the list on the bucket, hence bucket list.

Anyways, I do have a bucket list. I decided to have a bucket list not only to make life interesting and that I have things to look forward to, but also because I want to challenge myself... to see what I am capable of, to learn new things, to be bigger than me. And last night, I just crossed one out. It was the item number 10: To audition for a play/theatre. And please note that this is my first time ever to audition. I made it clear to them too and so I asked them to please bear with me.

It was so much fun! It was the same kind of fun like riding a roller coaster minus the screaming and the puking. I was hysterical and screaming inside. I had a blast during the entire process of audition. There were 3 persons inside the auditorium, the musical director, the stage director, and the director. First, I was interviewed. It was tricky because at the same time they were testing my stage performance. They wanted me to speak with my stage voice while having the conversation with them. And then, I had to follow musical notes from the piano where the musical director hits a note and I had to hum it and sing the note. Well that was tricky too for me who does not have any musical training nor background whatsoever, (well except when I sing karaoke and my mom would become teary when I sing a melodramatic song like Debbie Boone's You Light Up My Life), and then the last part of the audition was me singing Memory (from the Cats musical) in front of them. I was instructed to sing a verse or two but my ever supportive husband has said to me before the audition to just keep on singing unless they tell you to stop. So I was singing and singing and almost finishing the second verse and none of them three were stopping me so I kept on singing until I finished four verses which is out of the six verses of the song. When they said, "Ok, stop. Thank you," I was so relieved that I blurted out, "Oh my goodness, thank you. I was waiting for you to stop me."

I felt good about how I did. I was nervous but not so that I actually felt exhilarated. I made all three of them laughed with my goofiness. I felt I shined that night simply because I was being me. They are to see 80 people in total and there are only 40 roles to be played. And I am certain that I am against professionals, if not trained stage actors who are beyond my league (or I am out of their league). But that information does not matter to me now because that is actually a different story to be told next time.

Oh, the musical that I auditioned for is "My Fair Lady." And oh please, no, I was not up for Eliza's role, you know, that character that Audrey Hepburn played. ^_^

This past week has been an emotional and physical strain for me. Jesse, my two year old son has been keeping me up all night because of his eczema. He has developed eczema since he was about a month old and it had been sleepless nights for me and him.

I have seen other children in pictures with worst cases of eczema. Jesse's eczema, compared to theirs is not that bad but nevertheless concerning. When he was about 6 months old, he realized that he can pull the socks that were covering his hands. This was not good because that was my last resort of protecting him from himself. At night, I would stay up to do the scratching for him and more so that he would not scratch himself too much. There were nights though that I fell asleep and woke up with Jesse's blood stains on the pillow sheets and blanket.

The sad fact about eczema is that there is no cure for it. You can manage it but not cure it. Jesse's eczema is manageable now that I know the do's and dont's and most importantly that I have found the right products that work for him. But part of managing it is staying up late with him to constantly massage him with his lotion and also to watch out for his deep scratching... to make sure that he does not bleed from scratching too much.

I have been feeling so exhausted and emotional this past days due to lack of sleep, lack of sunshine (winter in the arctic), lack of fun places to escape to for the day, lack of energy, lack of interest and a lot of other things that are lacking. All of my emotions are locked deep inside my heart and mind that I feel like blowing up any minute. Last night, I almost lost it. But before I did, I let my emotions flow as tears as I prayed The Lord's Prayer again and again while trying to stop Jesse from scratching. In the living room, on our bean bags, he fell asleep with me massaging his hands with his lotion at
about 4 o'clock in the morning.

A mail came today for me from my mom. It was a birthday and Christmas card in one. I am a Christmas baby. The cover reads, "You're a daughter to be proud of at Christmas and Always".

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought to myself that God does know when to touch my heart. He knows what to say to me. My mother's message is a reminder of my mother's devotional love for me. How else could I make her proud and show her my love and gratefulness but being a devotional mother to my sons?

And like other devotional stories for mothers on the book Chicken Soup for the Soul, I am ending this with my own prayer.

Today my eldest son is 14 years old. In these fourteen years, he has not ceased in giving me hugs and in telling me he loves me each time he goes to school and before he goes to sleep. I remember when he was still in my womb, I knew that he was given to me to be my angel. When he came into my life, I felt how strong of a lady I was, that I could do anything for him and be the best I could be for him. I felt that I am much more than a mother to him. I wanted to be his confidant, and best friend because at that time he was all these to me. He was this little boy who knew me so well, so much so that there are times that he would just come to me and give me a hug and say, "Mommy, you need a hug. It's okay Mommy."

And now he is 14. It has been fourteen wonderful years. He is growing so beautifully, and such a wise young man beyond his years. And he is still the same funny, witty, sweet, loving, kind and gentle boy who knows when his mommy needs some cheering up. For his birthday this evening, I presented him a slice of chocolate cake which I bought from a French cafe. The cake was lovely and he enjoyed it so much. He was having a mouthful when I asked, "Janvier, do you still want me to bake you a cake this Saturday?"
"If you want to," he said licking his fork.
"Well, I don't know. I mean after having this cake, my confidence about my cake is now," I said while motioning a thumbs down.
He wipes his mouth, "You know what Mommy, I really don't like this cake,"
"Oh Janvier! You are the sweetest. Come here!"
He comes to me and gives me a tight hug.
"Ok, I'll bake you a cake."
"Thanks Mommy. I love you."

My father used to tell me that whoever it is I decide to marry is such a lucky guy. Now although I don't tell my son this yet, I know in my heart that whoever it is he decides to marry is going to be such a lucky lady. ^_^

Today on the Dr. Phil show was a married couple with marital problems. The husband, a body builder and a trainer, buffed and tanned is cheating on his wife, a pretty faced but slightly overweight woman who is the mother of his two children.

They have been married for 10 years and in those years the husband has been cheating with about a hundred girls according to the wife. She said that her husband has a bad temper and have hurt her physically in some occasions too. The husband acknowledges and does not deny these facts about him but continued to say when asked, that he will never be a devoted, faithful husband to his wife or to anyone. What an arrogant, full-of-it-sonna-ma-gun. He admits that he is manipulative too. But with all these I have to say that he was honest. Weird to say about a cheating husband, but you see, the wife knew all those times she had been cheated on. This was the husband's excuse and the fact that his wife has gotten "fat". He says that after he cheats, his wife takes him back and he knows his wife will always take him back so he continues to cheat again and again.

They are now getting a divorce. It is so easy to do this when you are married in the United States. Good for them.

It is very hard to hang on to a marriage that has been deteriorating for a long time, most especially when a spouse is immature, superficial, and does not share your goals and values. Women, please take care of yourselves when entering into a relationship. It is so important that you hold on to your self-esteem so that no man can manipulate you and make decisions for you. Looking good should be coming from the inside, beauty should not be superficial so you do not end up with men who would hurt you and leave you once your look and body has changed. And please ladies, let us have respect to ourselves and to each other. Do not date a man who is already married! Go and get your own! Because if he is cheating on his wife, what makes you think he is not going to cheat on you? And Mr. Good Looking who thinks he is all that, you will get old too, "gravity will kick in", you can take all the pills and help you need to make your weapon operative but let me tell you... what goes around comes around. You will end up alone and the fun you think you are having now will be nothing but the cause of your pain in the future. Your measure of being a man is nothing but a shallow, empty, and superficial being that you are. You are not invincible. No one is.

Today is Remembrance Day. A day to honor and give thanks to our soldiers. As I sit here and write this, I could not help but to think of the mothers who have lost their sons, the wives who have lost their husbands, sisters who have lost their brothers, friends who have lost their friends, grandparents who have lost their grandchildren. I think of the young children who have lost their father, their mother, their sister, their brother, their favorite uncle or beloved aunt. I think of the wives and the husbands who are separated by war. I give my utmost respect and heartfelt gratitude for our soldiers sacrifices and my prayers to their families for their courage for enduring the pain and sorrow of having a love one being far away knowing that their love one is in a dangerous situation.

I look at my three sons and could not imagine how unbearable it would be if any one of them is harmed. But they are safe here with me. We are safe because you have made your honorable sacrifice and I as a mother wishes to raise my three boys well so that their well-being will contribute to the betterment of this country, so that they may live well and that your sacrifice will not vanish in vain.

Thank you our dear brave soldiers. We honor you, we salute you, we remember you.

It's hard to get used to a lifestyle especially if the getting used to is mostly a battle between your mind and your body. Your body is needed to be at a specific place performing the specified tasks but your mind is wanting to do something else wandering out there... wanting to be somewhere, longing for the familiar faces. You are not able to do it, so your mind tells every single vein in your body to enjoy whatever it is that you are doing at that moment but the mind knows better... the mind knows that what it is telling the body is not that easy. The body responses and does what needs to be done accordingly and it feels anxious, nauseous, tense. The mind says, it is okay... you'll get through this one day at a time.