(Darling Jesse sleeping under the sun)

Today was about "getting up and doing it!" Today I went out to the library and got me a library card, after that I went to mail my mother's birthday card. Nothing special but you see, I bought the card way back in August because my mother's birthday was in August! It is now end of September.

In life, we find a lot of excuses not to do something that we ought to do. There's always a reason why we do not bother to say for example --- exercise, eat healthy, go to church on Sunday, call a love one, visit the sick, take a vacation yadi yadi yada. And because of this, we do miss the opportunity to actually experience the experience.

I find that my day to day life is a repetition of everything. It is so mundane and I find it boring sometimes. But that is just what it is. Life is a repetition, a series of events that just go round and round in circles. It's like the earth moving in its orbit really, but it is profoundly beautiful. Earth, life, the universe, it is all beautiful. Just like right now...the sun is shining brightly and is showing off it's warmth to me as I am writing this. Yes, I am outside! A weather like this in Yellowknife is special indeed at this time of the year. The point is if I did not get up and decided that today I shall mail my mother's birthday card, I would not be enjoying myself right now. I would be inside the house and doing what it is that I do at exactly this moment which is washing the lunch dishes and preparing what's for dinner.

Oh and to top off this lovely day, I went, for the first time, to a French cafe called Le Stock Pot and got me an apple strudel and a slice of cranberry cheesecake. I will be coming back again for sure.




So my dear friends, as much as it is okay to not do things that we ought to do for reasons that we think are valid, let us say to ourselves that today, this time, as in now, at this moment, is actually the day that we are going to make our day a little different and special than yesterday.

It's 1:40 in the afternoon. Jesse is asleep and I am feeling sleepy too so I decided to take a nap. The way I like to sleep, sometimes, is to wrap my whole body and go under the blanket. It is cold and I like to sleep in the dark.

As I am underneath the covers, the tip of my nose touching it, my hands rested on my chest, I came to think if this is how it is inside a coffin. I thought to myself, it is not that bad.

To some people death is a scary topic or event, but not to me. My favorite death scene, which also has one of my favorite quote, was in one of my favorite movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was the scene when Benjamin took his father by the seashore and they were both watching the sunset. Benjamin said that, " You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates – but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. " That's it, you just have to let go.



I am not scared of death but of course I do not want to die yet. I have said to my friends that I don't mind knowing when I will die. To me it just means I have to get my act together and that I can really plan my exit from this world. I have to have the right outfit, the right look, my hair... Well I gotta look presentable when I see my God you know, (and it is a party up there I think, so I am making sure I got me a ticket, it's easy to get a ticket for yourself --- Do Good things, Avoid the Bad things... that's pretty easy). So yeah songs to be played, where will I be buried, the food and of course, I will get to have a speech.. only it is recorded or probably I'll have my sister read it for me. Death is not scary. It is the ultimate destination of our journey, journey being life. To me it is just like going into a deep slumber and waking up finding myself in the midst of a heavenly shindig. Do I sound crazy? Weird? Yeah, I know. I am both.

Oh of course God please don't take me yet.. I just want to take a nap and I have to get up by 3:30 pm because the boys will be here by then.

However, if the moment comes, I hope I have seen all the beauty in this world I could possibly have seen, have witnessed my children's milestones, have made my love ones happy, and my dear God happy, and have made a difference in someone's life.

So those where my thoughts underneath the blanket. I love my handy dandy IPhone I could write my thoughts while feeling how it is to be dead ^_^

Oh, I guess I could carry my IPhone with me then, you know, when I am down six feet under.
~ litlmisscaffeine~



Sleeping me. Photographed by Steven Efondo - 2009

It's the hardest thing to do, to forgive...when someone you love has caused you pain, betrayed you, left you or took you for granted, when someone you love does not reciprocate the affection you give.

But we love anyway. We love because it is the most human thing to do... the very reason of our existence. But not at all times that our love is meant to be...that because we love it is a happy ending. Sometimes that "love" was just to teach us a lesson, to help us know ourselves better, and to enrich our lives. But all of these are unattainable if we are not able to forgive the "love" that caused us heartache.

Forgetting is not the same as forgiving. Forgiving is more powerful and unless you forget you are not really forgiving. Love cannot stand alone without forgiveness and forgiveness shall not shine without forgetting the past, the pain, and the sorrow. When we forgive we must forget all the negatives associated with the pain that make our heart cry. When we forgive, we free ourselves from the poison of hate and we start over a new beginning. It is through forgiving that we are thankful of the chance to experience how to love, for the friendship that existed... When we forgive, we give ourselves a chance to be better. When we forgive, our burden becomes light.

Love is forgiving. To forgive is to love.To forgive is to not keep records of wrongs. To forgive is to heal. To forgive is the hardest thing to do but it is the cure for an aching heart.

~ litlmisscaffeine~

Soaking in a warm bath in an attempt to relax myself was unsuccessful. As all these thoughts hover in my head, I came to ask myself this question: Am I having a midlife crisis?

After all the drama, self-loathing, and reflection I still find myself lost in this vast gray clouds of questions that I don't even know what exactly it is that is bothering me. Now that my family is complete and we are all together in one place, why do I still feel that there is something missing, that there is this void? I mean what is it that I want?

I remember being so certain on what I wanted when I was younger. I knew that I wanted to finish my education and be one of the best students in college. I wanted to be a journalist/lawyer. But because life threw me a lemon, in this case my eldest son, I ended up taking Business Administration - Management. I had to take a course that is fast, affordable and marketable. But I did graduate with honors so that made me feel a little better and knowing what I know now -- that I am such an emotional bucket, the courthouse is not a place for me.

Anyway, back to the question, what is it that I want? I had coffee and dark chocolate - and realized no that was not it. I had the warm bath -- as I said earlier, unsuccessful. Usually, these things do the trick but not now. So this is my resort.

I realize that in life a person should count their blessings. As a mother, I have 3 delightful boys who are all growing up beautifully. As a wife, I have a husband who loves me so dearly and more importantly whom I adore immensely. Remember those days when boys like you but you don't like them? Remember how bad that was? I feel bad when I had to let them know I don't feel the same way. I mean, I am happy that my husband loves me but I am happier that I love him back which makes him love me more. So I am lucky this way--to be with the man I love, no confusions, no second-guessing, no ifs, no buts--- just strong and true feelings of love and adoration.

But then what about me? Me not the mother, not the wife. Me as myself, separate from being a mother, separate from being a wife. Is it just me or do some of you feel this way too? Do you feel that you have lost yourself after all these years of being a mother and a wife? What do you do?

Then I think to myself maybe it is just the new environment and the new routine that I now have. The change from being a busy mom with a hectic schedule to now a semi-retired house mom is shocking for my system. I was told by this lady that when after she had her baby and she stayed home, she was so bored she could not wait to go back to work. So I think maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am just bored.

Thank goodness for blogging, at least I feel that somehow you are listening. I'm gonna go get a glass of red wine now. Who knows maybe it will do the trick. It's Friday night, why not?

Cheers,
~ litlmisscaffeine~


2009 Studio Shot

This happened today. Justin is 7 years old and he wants to go out to the park with his friend Mia. I just had a preview of the future. And the future goes like this.

Justin is on the phone sitting next to me. I could hear the conversation because the phone's volume was up.

Justin: Hi it's Justin, can I please speak to Mia?
Mia: Hi, so you want to come in?
Justin: No, I am not there yet. I'm in my room.
Mia: I know that. But are you coming?
Justin: Yes, I'm gonna pick you up. Ok?
Mia: Ok. Just knock on the door.
Justin: Ok, bye.

Justin hangs up the phone and puts on his shoes.
I asked, "Do you want your big brother to go with you?"
Justin replies, "No," and rushes out to the door.

I was left astounded. Did I just hear what I heard? My baby Justin is picking up a girl? What!? The inevitable comes too quickly. Oh well.


Justin @ 8 months old.