Today I learned that my cousin has passed away. I am deeply saddened for she was such a young girl filled with dreams, to finish school and get out of poverty. I did not know that she was ill, but she was (as I was told) since 2010. When I learned last night that she was ill and was in the hospital, I contacted my mother if she had heard of the news. But knowing this was all too late. The news of her illness was too late, her passing was too soon. She passed away just last night. What use is my monetary help now that she is gone? It will now go to the funeral expenses, not to cure her.

Could have I done more if I knew about it then? If I knew about it then, it will at least give me peace of mind that I have done something because I would have if I only knew.

It hurts when helplessness because of poverty strikes close to home. You realize that life is really difficult, and it becomes a thorn in your heart knowing that there's not much you can do.

I cannot bring the past and correct it. I cannot bring my cousin back.

Still with a heavy heart I end this note with this poem. I pray that the Lord God keep my aunt in this difficult time of losing her only daughter. I wish her strength.

"God saw her getting tired,
A cure was not to be.
He wrapped her in His loving arms
And whispered ‘Come with me.’
She suffered much in silence,
Her spirit did not bend.
She faced her pain with courage,
Until the very end.
She tried so hard to stay with us
But her fight was not in vain,
God took her to His loving home
And freed her from the pain."

It's the Halloween weekend. Here in North America, we are busy getting ready for Halloween, making last minute decision on what our costumes are going to be, taking advantage of the treats that are now on sale, decorating our houses with spooky items, some of us will be hosting a party, and there are those who are excited to play tricks on unsuspecting victims.

This weekend, in Christian traditions and belief, is All Soul's Day where we commemorate or remember our departed family members. In Philippines, All Soul's Day is observed than Halloween, specially in rural provinces where old Catholic traditions are much prominent. I remember going to my father's tombstone during All Soul's Day. We would stay up late in the graveyard, with family and friends to pray for my father. After that, we would feast and tell stories about ghosts, mysterious creepy supernatural sightings or experiences, and our memories of how life was when my Daddy was still alive.

I could not help but to miss my Daddy on All Soul's Day most especially that I am reminded that he died at the age of 48 in a car accident. It felt to me that he left me so soon and without even saying goodbye. I look at my three sons and I wish my Dad could see them, how my eldest son Janvier has his thick hair, how my second son Justin resembles his chinky eyes, and how my third son Jesse is so much like him who spends a lot of time looking in the mirror. I wish I could give him a hug.

When I was about 11 years old, I had a friend who had a weak heart. One afternoon, she came home from the hospital. My Dad told me, "Neng, your friend just arrived from the hospital. Go to her house and give her a visit. Play with her." I was excited to see her and so I ran to my friend's house which was just at the back of our house. I remember we played Jack Stones and I had to leave because it was dinner time. The next morning, at about 5 o'clock, I remember I was still so sleepy and my Daddy was waking me up. He said, "Wake up, Neng. Your friend died." I remember crying and running to her house to see her because I could not believe that she was dead. I was just playing with her the night before. There were lots of people at her house talking to each other that I sneaked in to the kitchen door and went to the living room but what it seemed was that I entered a morgue. There she was lying down. I could only see her feet behind the white curtain, and I saw two men, one standing by her head, one by her feet. I could not see what they were doing to her. I was so quiet they did not notice me watching. And then I saw her feet moved as I heard a loud thrusting sound. I got scared and left crying.

I was so scared that night. I told my Daddy how scared I was and I told him that if ever my friend would visit me, she should visit me in my dreams. But my friend never did. She was 14.

It was year 1989, when I had a dream about my grandparents, my Daddy's parents. First I saw my grandfather Felix, sitting on a chair in the front garden, I passed by him and I said, "Hello Lolo." He smiled. And then in my dream, I saw myself walking and then saw my grandmother Isabella, I stopped, and said, "Hi Lola!" Like my grandfather, my grandmother smiled at me too. And then still in my dream, I saw myself walking again, cheerily I was skipping too when all of a sudden, I realized, "Wait a minute, why am I saying hi and hello to them, weren't they dead already?" In my dream, I got so scared that I wanted to wake up so badly. I heard myself crying, and then felt my Daddy waking me up. Still so frightened and in tears, I told him about my dream. He hugged me and said, "Don't cry now. Your grandparents knew that we could not visit them this All Soul's Day so they instead came to visit us."

It will be 15 years now since my Daddy died. This All Soul's Day, I would not be able to go to his tombstone. I hope he knows that he is always remembered and loved, and that I do not mind for him, and my grandparents, to pay me a visit in my dreams.