Soaking in a warm bath in an attempt to relax myself was unsuccessful. As all these thoughts hover in my head, I came to ask myself this question: Am I having a midlife crisis?

After all the drama, self-loathing, and reflection I still find myself lost in this vast gray clouds of questions that I don't even know what exactly it is that is bothering me. Now that my family is complete and we are all together in one place, why do I still feel that there is something missing, that there is this void? I mean what is it that I want?

I remember being so certain on what I wanted when I was younger. I knew that I wanted to finish my education and be one of the best students in college. I wanted to be a journalist/lawyer. But because life threw me a lemon, in this case my eldest son, I ended up taking Business Administration - Management. I had to take a course that is fast, affordable and marketable. But I did graduate with honors so that made me feel a little better and knowing what I know now -- that I am such an emotional bucket, the courthouse is not a place for me.

Anyway, back to the question, what is it that I want? I had coffee and dark chocolate - and realized no that was not it. I had the warm bath -- as I said earlier, unsuccessful. Usually, these things do the trick but not now. So this is my resort.

I realize that in life a person should count their blessings. As a mother, I have 3 delightful boys who are all growing up beautifully. As a wife, I have a husband who loves me so dearly and more importantly whom I adore immensely. Remember those days when boys like you but you don't like them? Remember how bad that was? I feel bad when I had to let them know I don't feel the same way. I mean, I am happy that my husband loves me but I am happier that I love him back which makes him love me more. So I am lucky this way--to be with the man I love, no confusions, no second-guessing, no ifs, no buts--- just strong and true feelings of love and adoration.

But then what about me? Me not the mother, not the wife. Me as myself, separate from being a mother, separate from being a wife. Is it just me or do some of you feel this way too? Do you feel that you have lost yourself after all these years of being a mother and a wife? What do you do?

Then I think to myself maybe it is just the new environment and the new routine that I now have. The change from being a busy mom with a hectic schedule to now a semi-retired house mom is shocking for my system. I was told by this lady that when after she had her baby and she stayed home, she was so bored she could not wait to go back to work. So I think maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am just bored.

Thank goodness for blogging, at least I feel that somehow you are listening. I'm gonna go get a glass of red wine now. Who knows maybe it will do the trick. It's Friday night, why not?

Cheers,
~ litlmisscaffeine~


2009 Studio Shot