See how amazingly freezing Yellowknife is! I know, it is freezing but can still be amazing.
Okay, enough said. Enjoy the video ^_^

- "It's gorgeous today in Yellowknife.... until you go out."
- "The sun is bright and yellow... but don't be fooled. It is freaking cold!"
- "A day can start out wrong but flow really smoothly."
- "Sometimes I wish there is a camera for words inside my head. A fast camera that can capture these flying, running, all over the place words."
- "I also sometimes wish I can mute my brain. It does get loud."
- "I think my mind blabber too much. But if my mouth does the blabbering, you'll definitely think I am going crazy."
- "Today is great because it is!"
- "I have so much energy or maybe because I drink too much coffee? Hmmmnnn..."
- "My boys bore me sometimes. All they want to do is play PS3 and Xbox 360. I tell them they are lucky I don't like playing these games or else they will have to face a real competitor."
- "Today is Friday and we had a lovely big breakfast today: bacon and eggs, toasts, and potato patties! I really love breakfast! It is my favorite meal of the day. I love it most when it happens between 6:00 to 9:00 in the morning."
- "Now I miss my mama who I used to have breakfast with at Tim Horton's. Sometimes at McDonald's."
- "It is 3:56 in the afternoon and I am talking about breakfast. Weird."
- "For the very first time, I actually am enjoying this doing nothing situation. Wait, is writing this blog "doing nothing"? Hmmmnn...."
- "I really have to shut this mind of mine. Shut up! shut up!"
- "Ok, this has got to stop. What to do, what to do?"
**scatches head**
**watches Janvier play PS3**
**thinks of Jesse who is playing and watching Toy Story 3 in the bedroom**
**sees Justin who is busy playing with his Lego in his bedroom**
**looks out the window**
- "It's starting to get daaAaark!"
- "It's 4:00 in the afternoon! Already?"
- "Okay, gotta go! I have to get ready to meet my husband and get some groceries!"
- "Maybe Apple can come up with a recording device that can capture the words in my mind without me speaking it. Maybe."
- "Ok, bye!"
- "Sorry, I wasted your time."
-"I did not waste mine though. Feel good about that. I mean you. You should feel good about the fact I did not waste my time. You did a good thing here. Reading my crazy random thoughts. Thank you."

I think the reason why it is hard for me to relax is because I still hang on the workaholic side of me... the one who is always out and about, juggling, multitasking --- always hectic. And now that I am home with my toddler, I feel that my sense of being has diminished. I feel that doing nothing is in itself laziness and is not good for my brain.

Today is -37C. I just cancelled a doctor's appointment because it is too cold to bring Jesse outside. And it hit me how fortunate I am to be able to stay inside the house and not be obliged to go out in the cold. I remember how dreadful of a battle it was to get up at 5:30 in the morning and get ready for work during winter.

So today I want to make note of how much I appreciate this opportunity of being able to stay home. I will try my best to relax and keep in mind that not everybody is given this chance... a chance to have a break, a really long break from the world of busy, hectic, almost robotic, working people. And that this long break is for me to enjoy because it is only temporary that I will soon be back to my old workaholic me again before this year ends. I will not beat myself up with the mindset that I am less worthy, or that I have little self value just because I am doing nothing. Because today, I am really not doing nothing--- I am relaxing.

At this moment of my life I realize that my life is not mine in a sense that it belongs to my sons. There are times that I think to myself and wonder if I was not a mother. I think of the things that I could do, the freedom I could have, the fullest potential I could achieve with no one to worry about but me. Being a mother is not always peachy... and not at all times rewarding. It is not a story that is only filled with happy moments but a story that is also a picture of sacrifice, chaos, tears and screams. Motherhood is not always neat because it is also messy. It is a story of things always somewhere in between.

Today is a good day than yesterday. Today, Jesse slept at 3:30 in the morning and slept without scratching and bleeding. Yesterday, he slept at 8:00 in the morning because of his eczema. Both of us were already too tired but he just would not sleep. So today, compared to yesterday, is much much better.

To help him sleep, I play a CD of lullaby songs. And this one is one of my favorites. It was actually a poem. I thought that this poem perfectly tells my thought of how I feel about my life now as a mother. I do not want to think of the things I could have done if I was not a mother and be on the top having reached my full potential as a career woman. I know of few women who were driven by power where their roles as a mother were affected. But I also do not want to just sit down and no longer dream and drive myself to be much more than who I am now. So at this point, I shall be in the middle... it isn't really anywhere, it is somewhere else instead.

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair where I sit:
There isn't any other stair quite like it.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top:
So this is the stair where I always stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up, and isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town:
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head:
"It isn't really anywhere! It's somewhere else instead!"

I have been keeping a secret. I really miss the sun. Yellowknife feels like a box. A closed one and it is dark inside.

What does Christmas mean to you? Christmas to me is always a special time spent with family, exchanging gifts, giving cheer to friends, and it also meant sharing a special day with Jesus. Just like HIM, I was born on Christmas day too. When I was a little girl, I would listen to the Christmas songs played in the wee hours in the morning playing on the radio, lie down on the wooden couch and dream that these Christmas songs are birthday songs that I sing to HIM and to myself. I will be filled with joy in my heart as I keep thoughts of HIM as a little baby on the manger that I will feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

Last night my family went to hear the Christmas midnight mass. This was our first Christmas here in Yellowknife. The priest said that he really like this line, "Those who walk in darkness have found the light," that night. That light is hope, he said. He said that we often hear people say, "Don't keep your hopes high," and then he said,"No, today I say, to always keep your hopes high!" Hope is the message this Christmas. He mentioned that people are praised when they do the things that they love and that those who are not able to do the things that they love but still continue to do so because of love deserve the praises as well. He said that his father was one of those people.

As I reflect on what the priest said, I could not help but to think of my own father, my mother, and those who may be in the same situation who are doing what they do because they love their children. And is this not the essence of Christmas---Love? I think of God as a loving parent who loves us so dearly that He gave Jesus to us as HIS gift. And in Jesus, our loving Father, no matter how He knew that His life is going to be difficult, full of hardships, sacrifices and ridicule, still accepted His destiny and lived His life because He loves us his children. As a mother, this is a reminder that touched my heart so deeply.

I can still remember last year's Christmas when my husband came home from Yellowknife and that first Sunday mass of the year 2010 when I prayed so hard for my confusions and fears to go away... when I prayed for courage to take the leap of faith.

Christmas from now on in has a deeper meaning to me. As Jesus was born today and I am celebrating my birthday, I shall keep in mind that He was born for us HIS children and that He lived HIS life because HE loves us so... and I am given this life and will live this life for my children... no matter how difficult, how much hardships or sacrifices I will have to endure as a mother, I will be accepting of all these because of my love for them. Christmas is a gift to give. Jesus's life is the GIFT. Let us all give a part of our lives to each other for there is no other special gift than that.

God bless us, everyone!

My sister is this extra special person that God sent to be my very personal favorite angel doll who just knows how to bring sunshine to my days. She is one of the many inspirations in my life. She and I were totally different back then. Yeah, I was the goody-good girl whom she found so boring and tacky, and I just found her too risky and immature. But those days are now long gone. We somehow managed to meet in the middle where we both tolerate each others whining, complaining, venting, and worries. Motherhood gave us the chance to really understand each other, celebrate our differences, share precious moments about our children, and discover a lot more similarities between us. When she got married in July 2009, my heart was permanently marked with a happy memory. I was her Matron of Honor and this was my speech.