At this moment of my life I realize that my life is not mine in a sense that it belongs to my sons. There are times that I think to myself and wonder if I was not a mother. I think of the things that I could do, the freedom I could have, the fullest potential I could achieve with no one to worry about but me. Being a mother is not always peachy... and not at all times rewarding. It is not a story that is only filled with happy moments but a story that is also a picture of sacrifice, chaos, tears and screams. Motherhood is not always neat because it is also messy. It is a story of things always somewhere in between.

Today is a good day than yesterday. Today, Jesse slept at 3:30 in the morning and slept without scratching and bleeding. Yesterday, he slept at 8:00 in the morning because of his eczema. Both of us were already too tired but he just would not sleep. So today, compared to yesterday, is much much better.

To help him sleep, I play a CD of lullaby songs. And this one is one of my favorites. It was actually a poem. I thought that this poem perfectly tells my thought of how I feel about my life now as a mother. I do not want to think of the things I could have done if I was not a mother and be on the top having reached my full potential as a career woman. I know of few women who were driven by power where their roles as a mother were affected. But I also do not want to just sit down and no longer dream and drive myself to be much more than who I am now. So at this point, I shall be in the middle... it isn't really anywhere, it is somewhere else instead.

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair where I sit:
There isn't any other stair quite like it.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top:
So this is the stair where I always stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up, and isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town:
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head:
"It isn't really anywhere! It's somewhere else instead!"