Jesse turns 1 today. I still remember those difficult uncomfortable nine months and especially the grueling painful 10 hours. The emotions are still fresh in my mind... the experience still so vivid. I cried and whined all the time. I was scared. Jesse is my third child. People assume that I am an expert and that I know all the things there is about being a mother because I have three children. But I am not. All three boys are six years of age apart and each came in different situations in my life. Janvier, the eldest, came when I was 19 years old. I was still in grade 11. Justin came when I was 25. I just graduated college and was working my first job. Jesse came last year fifty days before my 32nd birthday.

Among the three pregnancies I had, it was with Jesse I had the most difficulty. I was too sensitive. I could not stand the sight of anything fried especially fried meat. I would be totally disgusted my stomach churns. I cried at night. For nine months, I did not sleep well. My best friend would talk to him inside my tummy and playfully say, "you are trouble, why are you giving mommy trouble?"

I realized that no pregnancies are the same and I got scared as the big day came close. I did not know what to expect. I feared of what might happen during the delivery. Jesse was oblique which means I would need a c-section. I dreaded the thought of being operated because that would mean I had to have an epidural. Scary. My fears stressed me so much I was distraught. I remember holding my belly and pleading to Jesse for him to move in the right position and be nice to mommy.

November 4 was a nice day. The sun was out, temperature was cool but not chilly, the leaves were at full colours. It was fall. Jesse made me feel that he would be born that day but he decided not to come out till it was November 5. I had to be induced because the waterbag was already leaking but there were no contractions. It was the most painful experience to be poked with a steel stick inside. Down there.

Then he was out. Haaaahhhh.... what a relief. Short relief.

Breastfeeding. It was agony. Cries after cries after cries. My nipples were cracked and sore, red and bleeding. He had jaundice. It was scary. I did not want him to have brain damage so I tried so hard to breastfeed him. The lactation nurse and the breast pump and the breastfeeding pillow helped.

I was exhausted, stressed, sad, happy, proud, busy, angry, crazy, distraught, contented, frustrated. GRATEFUL.

And now he is 1 year old. 12 months have passed. I feel it was as if just yesterday. I love you Jesse. You make me feel how a mother should feel. Happy Birthday.

My horoscope today says: You are feeling a little more temperamental than usual, Capricorn, and if you are not careful, this will affect your love affairs today. Your emotions are at an all time high, and not very many of them are good ones. If you are attached, you are feeling even a little cranky, and are likely to erupt over the smallest issue. Don't let minor irritations interfere with the bigger picture. One explosion that seems small to you may well alienate someone else for good.

Why good FRIENDS are good for you?

1. They lift your SPIRIT.
2. They ACCEPT YOU for who you are and HELP you to be BETTER.
3. They make you feel YOU BELONG.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS ^^

I think that shoes are like men. No matter how painful they can get, we still buy them. Why? Because the first time we try them on, they feel so nice... they look good. No wonder women end up with a lot of pairs because women could not find the right pair for the right purpose. (Don't raise your eyebrows yet, I have a point). I think men would agree that women have too much pairs of shoes.

Like all other women I have tons of shoes too. I still have pairs with tags on them but what can I do? I was deceived. But I have learned my lesson. I am now mature at choosing the right pair for me. There are shoes that are chosen because of how they look. Some shoes are chosen because of how they make us feel. Some shoes make us feel sexy, pretty, or confident. But at times, women end up complaining that these shoes hurt.




Some women end up buying the wrong pair too (either they were not aware of what suit their feet, they were deceived, talked into it, or it was an impulse). Others simply could not find the "perfect" shoes. Some women buy the shoes because it is the kind they can afford and that they do not want to spend more time in searching for another pair. In other words, they settle for it. I think that in finding the right shoes it is important for women to know for what purpose do they need the pair of shoes. In short consider the lifestyle, who you are. Do you always run? Do you always walk? Are you a classic urban chic or a girly girl? Is quality important to you? How much are you willing to invest, to risk? (Do you get me now?)
Shoes reflect our lifestyle, the persona we want to project. And just like men, shoes can be sooo attractive that we take them home because of an impulse. Oh, and there are those shoes that do not last, those that break easily and wear out too quickly.

If it is said that "women kiss a lot of frogs before finding their prince charming" I say I have bought too many pairs of shoes before finding my perfect match. Today was wet, windy and gray. I was walking outside. And as I walked, I thought to myself how lucky I am to be wearing my perfect pair of boots. I was comfortable and I felt protected. And to this I thought hmmmnn... this feeling reminds me of my husband.

And oh, I have to end this note to clear that I have boxed my "unwanted" and "deceitful" pairs of shoes and will be sending them away ^^

**another sort of hallmark writing I wrote for my husband years ago. Years have gone by and the feelings remain the same :) **

Today was pleasant. There was no rushing in the morning (yes, I did follow my routine) and we arrived school 10 minutes early! There was not a lot of children yet when we arrived school. Justin and I sat on a bench and I said, "Justin, why don't you read your Halloween poem?" So he did. And as he was reading it, I felt proud and happy. My sweet Justin is now a big kid. My thoughts flashed forward to the time he will be in highschool, to college, and then back to the fact that he is now almost 7 years old. My heart was filled with gratitude and joy watching him read and listening to the poem.




He was smiling as he ended the poem. He then saw a friend and left me sitting on the bench. Just like that. I sat for a few minutes and savoured the happiness I was feeling. And then it was time for me to go. By this time many children were already playing in the schoolyard and so I went looking for Justin. I found him playing soccer with four boys and I called his name to wave goodbye.

He said, "bye mommy!"
"Bye, Justin!" I said as I turned to walk away.
And then he said, "Oh mommy, wait!" He ran towards me.
"What is it, honey?"
He put his arms around me and gave me a big hug and two kisses on my left cheek.
And then he said, "bye, mommy!"

I have made a realization today. I realized that it is really important to listen to your body. Let me explain further. I am a mother of 3 boys (and to all moms I know you can relate with me when I say it is difficult) and I have been experimenting on how I can make everyday life as easy as it could get. My maternity leave will end soon and I will be back to work this November 9. And I foresee how the morning rush will be such a chaos. Because of this, I have developed a schedule or a routine. Please note that I give myself an allowance of few minutes which is my key to avoid rushing. And please note that I am always with a 11 month old baby (he could be either sleeping, crawling, watching t.v. or in the stroller).

A.M.
5:30 to 6:00 = get up from bed (alarm is set up to snooze so I still have the time to fully wake myself up)
6:00 to 6:30 = while preparing heavy breakfast ( i.e fried rice, egg and bacon or french toast with bacon) my son Janvier takes his shower which will be followed by Justin
6:35 to 7:00 = at this point both of the boys have finished taking the shower and are dressed ready to have their breakfast
7:10 to 7:30 = everybody eat their breakfast (lunch already prepared)
8:00 to 8:15 = everybody ready to leave home to walk to school
8:20 = out the door!

Middle of the day (errands and household chores, walking the block with the 11 month old baby doing groceries)

P.M.
3:00 to 3:15 = pick up the boys from school
4:00 to 4:30 = arrive home
4:45 to 5:00 = snack time
5:10 to 5:45 = homework time (I sit down with the children)
6:00 to 6:30 = prepare dinner
7:00 to 8:00 = having dinner
8:15 to 8:20 = rest for a bit
9:00 to 9:15 = boys ready to sleep
9:20 = Boys are sleeping (with a big maybe for the 11 month old whose sleeping schedule varies a lot)
10:00 to 11:30 = washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, preparing tomorrow's lunch and dinner (cutting veggies, put out meat for thawing) things can get done depending on how baby is acting.
11:45 to 12:00 = taking a shower
12:15 to 1:00 A.M. = in bed (hopefully sleeping)

So that is the routine I have designed to avoid rushing. But boy, oh boy! One night, as I was about to wash the dishes, I felt so weak in the knees that I almost passed out. I got dizzy. So I skipped the dishes and went to bed. And of course, the next day, everything was disrupted. It was a domino effect.

Then I said to myself, ok fine... I will just have to move faster. I have no choice I have to rush. So I did for the following days which led me to realizing two things:

It helps me to focus to take things slow when I'm rushing. It means that I take time to breath and say to myself that, "ok this is what I need to do" instead of "oh my god! we are going to be late!"

It is okay to have a downtime and not follow the routine for a day and I should not feel guilty about it. I find that there is always a day that my body is too tired to even get up in the morning and do anything. I feel that when I give myself a chance to rest, I am more energetic and more positive the next day. I feel that I love what I do and I am fortunate to be able to do this for my children.

So there you have it, my thoughts for today. I want to note that my husband and my eldest son help me a lot. Janvier watches Jesse (the 11 month old baby) every time I ask him to. My husband is my reliever during each every down time. I'm sad that he has to go to Yellowknife to work permanently, also the fact that I am going back to work makes me realize that I have no choice but to stick with my designed routine. But hey, he said that I am his wonderwoman and I believe him. I can make my routine work and be happy doing it!

**all my love**

**Father of the Bride is a funny movie about a father and daughter relationship. I was watching this movie when my dad came in and got a bit upset. I believe it's because he realized that time will come he and I will have the same story and that he could not imagine letting me go. But we never did. He died before I turned 18**

In my father's memory.

My dad had dedicated his life watching over us --- his children. He woke up in the mornings, sat on his wooden chair and that's it. He would have this look on his face... a blank look on his face thinking of things, about things, about life. He sat on his chair as if it was his duty, like a post. He was just there. He sat and thought of life as time passed by. All his thoughts, his dreams, his joys, his pains, his frustrations... all locked in his mind. He found comfort and maybe strength in watching over us. He watched us as we played, studied, quarelled, argued, laughed and cried. He watched over us when we were ill and hungry, down and sad, hurt and wounded. He was there... always was there. To me, he was a rock that endured the changes of time... the passing of time.

I miss my dad. I miss seeing him in the mornings. I miss the feeling of knowing that when I come home, he is there sitting on his chair. I miss my rock, my source of strength and inspiration, my hero, my ever watchful dad. He did everything for us his children, just by simply sitting down on his chair, dedicating his life to watch over us.

Something good happened to me today. I finally got to know this lady's name who I always see almost every day when I walk the children to school. She also has a child, in fact two children, a boy and a girl that I always see walking to school with her. Anyway, this morning, as Justin and I were about to enter the school, she walked out of the door and said to me, "Oh he's so cute! What's his name?" I said, "Justin." I then introduced myself to her and so did she to me.

Is it not a dose of sunshine when every time this thought or cloud in your head clears up? I think it is precious every time it happens.

Well I would like to tell you about this little girl in our neighborhood whom I will call Little Miss Sunshine. She's five years old and as cute as a button. One day when I picked up Justin at school, I saw Justin running after her. I asked him to stop which he did and he explained why he was running after her. She called me "piggy" and tears rolled down on his cheeks. I said, Justin she's only a little girl. You are not "piggy". My wise son Janvier said, well call her "fatty" next time she calls you "piggy".

And so of course, the next day, my son Justin did just that. He then again was upset on our way home.

Later that night, I told him that when Little Miss Sunshine calls him "piggy", he should call her "pretty". I told Justin that if he did just that, Little Miss Sunshine might call him "handsome". Justin's face gleamed.

Today, Justin did not talk about Little Miss Sunshine and was not upset. So I wondered whatever happened? He said, I called her "pretty" when she called me "piggy". I tried calling her again to say to her "pretty" but she said "stay away from me!"

The Power of Three is a concept from a social scientist Brian Wansink, who believes that "if you repeat a behavior for 28 days, it becomes a new habit. You can change your default behavior to something else." I think that the concept is brilliant because it can help in dieting or changing eating habits, (i.e drinking two glasses of water for every glass of soda drinks, including a protein at breakfast, and eating French fries only on weekends) I thought to myself that it could work to about anything.

So this is how it works. At the beginning of every month, you can decide on what behavior you can change. As you make a conscious decision on changing that behaviour, you will be surprised how your life becomes better.

For this month (although it is not the beginning of the month), I have decided on these three things:

1. Take deep breaths and slow down. As a mother of three boys, I am always in a hurry to accomodate all their needs (from breakfast to lunches to dinner and all other things in between). I have found myself always rushing and screaming, "hurry up, we are going to be late!" or "my goodness, I forgot I had to the laundry!" Now, I have decided that whenever I feel that I need to rush, I will take deep breaths and slow down so I can chanel positive energy that I need instead of wasting energy whining and being all stressed. I now have the thinking, "what's the worst thing that can happen if we are late for 2 minutes for school or if I did not do the laundry today?"

2. Inspire my children. I got this idea from an article that I read (I forgot the name) on how to connect with your children. One mom wrote that she always put a surprise on her children's lunchbox and her children love it. It makes her happy knowing that her children are thinking of her everytime they open the lunchbox. For my own purpose, I will write funny jokes on post-it-notes for my son Janvier, and love notes for my son Justin. ^^

3. Drink 2 glasses of water every time I have coffee. I am such a coffee lover I should be a H2O lover too!

**written on my notebook on 09/18/09**

I was at Tim Horton's today. After having a small iced cappuccino and toasted "everything" bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese (my favorite), I had to go to the washroom. Thank goodness Tim Horton's has a family washroom because it is just so hard to urinate in a small toilet leaving the door halfway open so I can watch my baby and do my thing at the same time. Anyway, after answering to nature's call, I cleaned up and was on my way out of the family washroom when halfway to the door pushing the stroller out, a woman with a stroller bumped on us, leaving me knocking off her iced cappuccino from her cup holder. I was walking backwards because that's how we moms open the door (it is just easier to push the door open with our backs) . Anyway, good thing I was in a calm mood during the incident, hence the purpose of this note --> being patient.

I told her in a calm voice, you should have let me out first here, as I picked up her iced cappuccino (for some reason nothing spilled on the floor) in which she replied a simple "yeah" .

People should have faith that other people are kind and considerate and in doing so, patience will just come naturally. If that lady thought of me as someone who will help her get in the washroom and that I will hold the door for her, she would not have wasted time running to the door and knocking us. But instead, she only saw the door and the urgency that she has to have that door remained open so that it will be easy for her to get in. Yeah right!

And you all know how annoying it is in the subway right? Let the people get off first. Patience is useful. It is a virtue for a reason. But for me, patience, having it or lacking it can make or break your day. It is up to you.

Just random thoughts regarding motherhood. I saw the pile of clothes that I need to fold but then thought to myself that I am too tired and I still have to cook breakfast.

Transferrable motherhood skills:

- Organizational skill
* keeping things organized and neat. Children must know where to get their favorite toys, shirt/dresses and socks and shoes. These things are neatly labelled or visually available so they can reach or get them by themselves. This saves mommy a lot of time.

*we learn to prioritize! There are things at work that are put aside like filing for example. To me folding clothes is like filing. It gets done eventually but not as soon as keeping the kitchen clean and tidy or cooking breakfast.

- Negotiation
*making compromises to settle issues positively
"Mommy, I want to play game cube now!"
"Well, how about you finish all your vegetables now and then I can let you play game cube for extra five minutes"

- Managing skills
*running errands; making sure there is milk in the fridge is ONE of the MANY important things that mommies take charge of. (don't forget budgeting!)

- Multi-tasking
*while the stew is on simmer (for 10 minutes), I give Jessiah a quick bath so he is all cleaned up.
* I just finished giving Jesse his morning bath and while he is sleeping right now, I am have finished cooking breakfast and am now starting cooking lunch. It is 8:52 am.

- Stress management
* ahhh... the most important of them all! You can't do all of the above if you are not a master of this one.

When I am old and gray, I want to remember...
(this note shall be updated from time to time every time a happy thought arises)

- It's amazing how I feel safe holding Jessiah in my arms... how he makes me feel that everything will be fine. (This I felt with all three of them: Janvier, Justin and Jessiah.. It's just now that I get the opportunity to write my feelings down)

- At the end of the day, every time he comes to me crying and he falls asleep into my arms, I feel that I have done something right...

- Putting him to sleep while listening to my old cd's as if we are both slow dancing to the music is relaxing to me (which I also did before especially with Janvier.. yes, especially and mostly Janvier)

- I remember feeling down (a long time ago), Janvier was almost 6 years old, he came to me while I was sitting alone in the dining room and he said, "are you okay mommy? don't worry I'm here." Janvier, I have to say is my knight in shining armour.

- Justin once said, I love you mommy! You are fat! I love you, you are so comfy... and he made little twinkles with his eyes and hugged me ^^

- that tears roll down on Janvier's cheeks when I sing If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross and Words by Beegees. When we listened to the song The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, we were both crying.

- that Janvier who is now 12 years old almost 13, still hugs and kiss me every time I drop him off at school and before he goes to sleep.

We should feel good every time we accomplish our mundane and repetitive daily tasks as much as we feel good every time me make our dream come true. It should be easier and better to give ourselves a pat in the back daily than to wait for 5, 10 or more long years to say, yes I did it! ~ by Me who is trying to make myself feel better

As I sit here in the bar I felt that time does change the way people feel: towards other people or simply how they feel about things. I, for example, usually enjoy being at a bar but not really right now. Is it because of the cheap, lousy sound that the band is delivering? Maybe it is the food. It could be that I just have a mdifferent acquired taste. Well, the ambiance maybe? There are a lot of mosquitoes here! As I am writing this, I have close to me a mosquito repeller. That could be one of the reasons why I am not having fun right now. How about the company I have with me? Well, they are not bad, they are not that fun either. Hmmmnn... the drinks? Yes, the drinks are not that great.

But all of these are minor things why I am not enjoying myself in a supposed to be fun place that I used to like.

You see the very first time I went to a bar where I really really had fun was with this guy who I first met when I was in highschool. But the very first time we went dancing in a bar was in college . That night was exceptionally fun. It was a crowded room, sound was amazing, drinks were all over the place. The excitement was beyond imagination. It was loud. The noise was music it made me high. The dancefloor shook as we danced to the music, our hearts were pounding. I could feel his sweat as his body touches mine. It felt nice...sexy.
I loved how we teased each other on the dancefloor.

Now I sit here feeling bored. The passion is no longer here. Is it the time that has changed the feeling or is it the person who has changed? Whatever the answer is it saddens me because I still want that passion. It is still in me. But what is the use of this burning passion in me if I can not feel it back?

And oh, I don't feel like being nice right now to clap at a sucky performance. I personally think that singing a song that was requested is not enough that they deserve my applause. Har!Har! But because I am naturally nice, I am just putting everything in writing :) and to keep myself occupied at this boring, longest moment I am in.

The moon is out and the stars are bright. It would have been worthwhile to stay alone in the garden with the moon and the stars. The quiet night would be my lullaby, the nice warm breeze would be my blanket. It would have been nice if only I knew what would happen before I sat here in the bar.