Soaking in a warm bath in an attempt to relax myself was unsuccessful. As all these thoughts hover in my head, I came to ask myself this question: Am I having a midlife crisis?

After all the drama, self-loathing, and reflection I still find myself lost in this vast gray clouds of questions that I don't even know what exactly it is that is bothering me. Now that my family is complete and we are all together in one place, why do I still feel that there is something missing, that there is this void? I mean what is it that I want?

I remember being so certain on what I wanted when I was younger. I knew that I wanted to finish my education and be one of the best students in college. I wanted to be a journalist/lawyer. But because life threw me a lemon, in this case my eldest son, I ended up taking Business Administration - Management. I had to take a course that is fast, affordable and marketable. But I did graduate with honors so that made me feel a little better and knowing what I know now -- that I am such an emotional bucket, the courthouse is not a place for me.

Anyway, back to the question, what is it that I want? I had coffee and dark chocolate - and realized no that was not it. I had the warm bath -- as I said earlier, unsuccessful. Usually, these things do the trick but not now. So this is my resort.

I realize that in life a person should count their blessings. As a mother, I have 3 delightful boys who are all growing up beautifully. As a wife, I have a husband who loves me so dearly and more importantly whom I adore immensely. Remember those days when boys like you but you don't like them? Remember how bad that was? I feel bad when I had to let them know I don't feel the same way. I mean, I am happy that my husband loves me but I am happier that I love him back which makes him love me more. So I am lucky this way--to be with the man I love, no confusions, no second-guessing, no ifs, no buts--- just strong and true feelings of love and adoration.

But then what about me? Me not the mother, not the wife. Me as myself, separate from being a mother, separate from being a wife. Is it just me or do some of you feel this way too? Do you feel that you have lost yourself after all these years of being a mother and a wife? What do you do?

Then I think to myself maybe it is just the new environment and the new routine that I now have. The change from being a busy mom with a hectic schedule to now a semi-retired house mom is shocking for my system. I was told by this lady that when after she had her baby and she stayed home, she was so bored she could not wait to go back to work. So I think maybe that is what it is. Maybe I am just bored.

Thank goodness for blogging, at least I feel that somehow you are listening. I'm gonna go get a glass of red wine now. Who knows maybe it will do the trick. It's Friday night, why not?

Cheers,
~ litlmisscaffeine~


2009 Studio Shot

This happened today. Justin is 7 years old and he wants to go out to the park with his friend Mia. I just had a preview of the future. And the future goes like this.

Justin is on the phone sitting next to me. I could hear the conversation because the phone's volume was up.

Justin: Hi it's Justin, can I please speak to Mia?
Mia: Hi, so you want to come in?
Justin: No, I am not there yet. I'm in my room.
Mia: I know that. But are you coming?
Justin: Yes, I'm gonna pick you up. Ok?
Mia: Ok. Just knock on the door.
Justin: Ok, bye.

Justin hangs up the phone and puts on his shoes.
I asked, "Do you want your big brother to go with you?"
Justin replies, "No," and rushes out to the door.

I was left astounded. Did I just hear what I heard? My baby Justin is picking up a girl? What!? The inevitable comes too quickly. Oh well.


Justin @ 8 months old.

What do you do if there is infidelity in your relationship? Do you take it all in and cry your heart out when you are alone blaming yourself or thinking what it is you have done wrong? Do you let all your anger and frustration be felt by the other person who hurt you by firing bullets of painful words? Or do you seek help from other sources such as counseling, or people you trust like your friends and or family?

It is a difficult situation to be in. Not only it is difficult, it is also heartbreaking. You feel betrayed, humiliated, violated. You feel lost and angry, sad and confused why this has happened. Crying your heart out (male or female) helps. It releases that block of emotions inside your system. While getting angry and letting yourself be heard is also a natural reaction, it is only useful depending upon how you are communicating your message. Seeking the opinion or advices from other people sometimes help and sadly sometimes fuel your anger some more which makes things even more complicated.

Keep in mind that you are in a relationship with this person because of a mutual understanding and feeling which is called LOVE. And as natural as LOVE is, INFIDELITY is just right there in almost every corner.

Now if you are in this sad situation, the first thing to ask yourself is: Do I still love this person? If the answer is "yes" then you must simply let that love shine above all that is negative surrounding the heart and mind. The partner who is being unfaithful is the one who is lost, not you. Talk to your partner, lead the way back to where your relationship should be by communicating what went wrong and work on ways to rekindle what was lost whether it is romance, spiritual or mental connection. The one who is hurting is ultimately the one who can end the pain. It is not easy to be the bigger person but because you love, and if you believe in that love, you shall emanate all that is emanated by love: forgiveness, humility, and hope.

I have been surrounded by relationships. All of us are surrounded by relationships. At close hand, I know the ups and down of loving someone. I have seen how love conquers all and experienced a love's downfall. But of course we all LOVE anyway. Not all relationship ends in a happy ending. But who's to say what is a happy ending anyway? Life does not end just because a relationship failed. You can either move on with this relationship and try your best to make it work, or move on and be happy to welcome a new one. The sad part of infidelity is when a good relationship is destroyed. But then again, it is you who knows if the relationship is worth saving or not. Both parties should try to feel how it is to be in each other's shoes. Ask the question, "What would you feel if I had done this you?" To the infidel, would you want your partner to do this to you? And if she would have done this to you, would it be okay that she would offend you again and again? Of course not. To the victim, if you were the one who was weak and committed infidelity, would you not want to be given a second chance to prove that you can be a better person? Keep in mind the golden rule my friends. It is there for we can learn from it. And remember that the golden rule goes both ways.

LOVE is powerful. Believe that your LOVE is special, strong and true and so it shall be. May LOVE always guide all of us in heart, mind and spirit. ~ litlmisscaffeine

Today was a great day. The day is Friday, the day of several firsts in my family here in Yellowknife which I feel are blog worth. ^_^

Today was the day I have taken the first step of becoming an outdoor enthusiast. Dressed in a jogging outfit, I went outside on my own (well with my son Jesse on the stroller) and walked and ran for about 90 minutes. It was a good feeling to finally embrace this new lifestyle.

I made homeburgers for the first time! It was yummy! The coleslaw salad made it extra special. I find that being here in Yellowknife has waken up the resourceful side of me.

Janvier baked his first muffins and they were delicious. I told him I love your chocolate muffins in which he replied,"No mommy, it's banana. The main ingredient is banana." Boy, my baby is growing up moment by moment.

Justin attended a birthday party here in Yellowknife for the first time. It was a girl named Mia who turns 8 years old today. It was fun he said.

Oh, the best part of today was meeting Janvier's new friend Tyler. Tyler is an American boy from Idaho. He seems to be a good kid. Janvier said that he and Tyler are planning to write a story for their drama class. He said that one day, he and Tyler are going to make a movie. Janvier is excited for all the fun things they will be doing together. And I am excited too.

So we finally made it here to Yellowknife. The boys love it here and truthfully, I am surprised how beautiful Yellowknife is. I am still working on getting used to my new surroundings and it is going well. I love walking, I do. But I find that I do not do as much walking here. I am not worried about it because I know that in time I will have the enthusiasm to go out on my own. For now, I have come in peace that Yellowknife is now our new home.