Today is my special friend's birthday. A very special best friend. I have written this note about her a year ago and today I want to share my thoughts of her with you.

Rania 8/15/08 12:16 AM
Where do I even begin to describe you Rania, now that it feels like I’ve
known you forever? Well, I still remember your first email to me the day it
was made known that I will be joining the Disbursements team.
----- Forwarded by January Go/US Division/Manulife on 09/11/2008 11:32 AM ----- Rania Ayoub/US Division/Manulife 04/11/2006 03:13 PM To January Go/US Division/Manulife@Manulife cc Subject CongratulationsLink Hi January, Congratulation and welcome to the team. I am sure you'll enjoy being part of the best team on the floor. (ha ha ha). Rania Ayoub Ext. 26881

I am lucky to have you Rania as a mentor, a co-worker, and a friend. I think
that it is very rare for one to find somebody to laugh with when one is
feeling down and sad. I will always remember the times when you have
lifted my spirit and made me smile when I was missing Janvier and Justin.
You allow me to be myself and accepts me for what I am. You never get
annoyed when I talk too much to you and even when I am talking to myself.
You are always there to listen to me no matter what.
You are a wonderful soul. You are a loving mother, daughter and a wife.
(Something we have in common heh heh). I admire your strong personality
because I am just the opposite. I have observed how you are caring to those
people who need your help and assistance. I believe that you are sincere
every time you lend a helping hand. People have made comments why we
give each other hugs every time we part after work, “is she going on
vacation?”, “are you not going to see her tomorrow?” in which I would
always reply, “because she’s my friend.” And I think that you are the
second most person I gave hugs to next to Steven, my husband. And that is
okay. I have started giving hugs to my mama and my sister April too
whenever I get the chance. And when Janvier and Justin are back, I will be
giving them hugs too. But that is not the point, if you know what I mean.
(I can’t sleep right now. I think it’s because of hormone change due to
pregnancy. I read about it in an article. I have read two chapters on LOMA
book but that bored me.. so)
And yes, you have known me for my thinking-too-loud behaviour for which
you find funny.

Second entry. 09.05.08
I feel that you are going to be there for me if ever I will call you. I hope I
have made you feel the same way. You said, “I’ll miss you Jan when you
leave … it feels like you are part of my life,” for which I replied, “that is
really sweet to hear Rania” when deep inside my thoughts I was thinking to
say, “I’m glad that it is not only me who feels this way”.
And you are part of my life Rania. I wish to spend my life being friends with
you no matter what comes our way. I am glad that you are going to be
Jessiah’s godmother because at this moment in my life, I see no other one
who fits this special role but you.
Till we grow old, we shall remain friends.

*********************
I thought this song is nice and it reminds me of how I feel about our friendship. I learned a lot more about me when I got to know her. I feel that if do ever get lost, she would be there to lead me back to where I should go and when I would not know what to do and if I do get stuck, she would be there to lovingly give me a hug and advice. I love her.












Christopher Robin and
I walked along
Under branches lit up
By the moon
Posing our questions
To Owl and Eeyore
As our days disappeared
All too soon
But I've wandered much further
Today than I should
And I can't seem to find my way
Back to the Wood

So help me if you can
I've got to get
Back to the House
At Pooh Corner by one
You'd be surprised
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of
Christopher Robin and Pooh

Winnie the Pooh
Doesn't know what to do
Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
He came to me
Asking help and advice
And from here no one knows where he goes
So I sent him to ask of the Owl
If he's there
How to loosen a jar
From the nose of a bear

It's hard to explain
How a few precious things
Seem to follow throughout
All our lives
After all's said and done
I was watching my son
Sleeping there with my bear
By his side
So I tucked him in, I kissed him
And as I was going
I swear that old bear whispered,
"Boy, welcome home"

Believe me if you can
I've finally come
Back to the House at
Pooh Corner by one
What do you know
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of Christopher Robin
Back to the ways of Christopher Robin
Back to the days of Pooh

It's been awhile. My last blog was 2 months ago. I am now back to work which has occupied most of my time. And a lot has happened within those two months.

Have you ever been in a position or a situation where you have to make a life changing decision? I'm sure a lot of you have experienced that and some of you may say that I am over thinking this.

I have decided to move to Yellowknife. My husband has acquired a permanent job there. For more than a month now I have been raising our three children with my mother-in-law's help. And when she leaves in October of this year, I will have no other choice but to put my toddler in a childcare centre. Even with two income coming in, childcare and paying two different rent is just too much of an expense.

I don't know much about Yellowknife but based from what I have read and from what I was told it is a nice place to be. Aside from the extreme cold weather, long nights during winter, and that it is a place far far away from everything, there is not much I should worry about. But compared to Toronto, Yellowknife feels a bit strange for me. I mean all they have is Walmart. Who wants to shop for clothes at Walmart when you want to feel extra-special and stylish? How can I be stylish when everyone in the town have the same clothes as mine because we all shop at one place? They don't have Starbucks. I know!! I mean third world countries have Starbucks. My daily dose of cafe mocha is going to be completely off my diet. Yes. I don't drink any other cafe mocha. And my espresso truffle! This is too depressing for me and I don't expect you to understand or make sense of how I feel. All these are shallow reasons for me to worry or make this move a big deal. But let me get this out of my system. It is a big deal for me.

I have a career and I love that it is stable. I saw myself growing old in this company and I have foreseen myself receiving a gold plated plaque for giving excellent service for 30 years. My colleagues are also my friends and some of them I consider my family. One thing about me is that I love being surrounded by positive familiar people all the time and my workplace has given me that feeling of security and respect that I need.

I have not even mentioned my family. All of them are here in Toronto. When we move to Yellowknife, it will be just the five of us. My mom will not be able to come to me in 10 minutes when I want to see her or when I need someone's help. My sister. I will not be able to go out and hang out with her on Friday nights anymore. I will not see my nephew and nieces on special occassions. My brothers. How can I give them noogies (not that I do, but)? How can I annoy them once we are far away?

But all of these are about me. I am scared and do not want to move probably because of selfish reasons. But I also think of what if my husband's new job do not work out? I mean by July, which is our target moving date, he would only have been in the company for 8 months. What if by that date, I still do not have a job offer? What of our children? This decision also concerns them. New school. New friends. New environment.

We managed to attend the first Sunday mass of the year despite of bad weather. That Sunday was the second and last Sunday mass we had as a family before my husband leaves to Yellowknife. He actually leaves tonight. Today is Wednesday. I prayed hard on that Sunday mass. I prayed for my confusion and fear to go away. I prayed for strength so I can continue to perform my daily duties as a mother, as a wife, a daughter, a sister, and as a friend.

I felt good after that Sunday mass. I now feel stronger knowing that I am making this decision as a sacrifice for my family and that I am putting them above my own personal needs and wants. Just as a horse's vision have to be restricted so they can perform thoughtfully, I am taking this leap of faith by trusting God to be my eyes.

Jesse turns 1 today. I still remember those difficult uncomfortable nine months and especially the grueling painful 10 hours. The emotions are still fresh in my mind... the experience still so vivid. I cried and whined all the time. I was scared. Jesse is my third child. People assume that I am an expert and that I know all the things there is about being a mother because I have three children. But I am not. All three boys are six years of age apart and each came in different situations in my life. Janvier, the eldest, came when I was 19 years old. I was still in grade 11. Justin came when I was 25. I just graduated college and was working my first job. Jesse came last year fifty days before my 32nd birthday.

Among the three pregnancies I had, it was with Jesse I had the most difficulty. I was too sensitive. I could not stand the sight of anything fried especially fried meat. I would be totally disgusted my stomach churns. I cried at night. For nine months, I did not sleep well. My best friend would talk to him inside my tummy and playfully say, "you are trouble, why are you giving mommy trouble?"

I realized that no pregnancies are the same and I got scared as the big day came close. I did not know what to expect. I feared of what might happen during the delivery. Jesse was oblique which means I would need a c-section. I dreaded the thought of being operated because that would mean I had to have an epidural. Scary. My fears stressed me so much I was distraught. I remember holding my belly and pleading to Jesse for him to move in the right position and be nice to mommy.

November 4 was a nice day. The sun was out, temperature was cool but not chilly, the leaves were at full colours. It was fall. Jesse made me feel that he would be born that day but he decided not to come out till it was November 5. I had to be induced because the waterbag was already leaking but there were no contractions. It was the most painful experience to be poked with a steel stick inside. Down there.

Then he was out. Haaaahhhh.... what a relief. Short relief.

Breastfeeding. It was agony. Cries after cries after cries. My nipples were cracked and sore, red and bleeding. He had jaundice. It was scary. I did not want him to have brain damage so I tried so hard to breastfeed him. The lactation nurse and the breast pump and the breastfeeding pillow helped.

I was exhausted, stressed, sad, happy, proud, busy, angry, crazy, distraught, contented, frustrated. GRATEFUL.

And now he is 1 year old. 12 months have passed. I feel it was as if just yesterday. I love you Jesse. You make me feel how a mother should feel. Happy Birthday.

My horoscope today says: You are feeling a little more temperamental than usual, Capricorn, and if you are not careful, this will affect your love affairs today. Your emotions are at an all time high, and not very many of them are good ones. If you are attached, you are feeling even a little cranky, and are likely to erupt over the smallest issue. Don't let minor irritations interfere with the bigger picture. One explosion that seems small to you may well alienate someone else for good.

Why good FRIENDS are good for you?

1. They lift your SPIRIT.
2. They ACCEPT YOU for who you are and HELP you to be BETTER.
3. They make you feel YOU BELONG.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS ^^

I think that shoes are like men. No matter how painful they can get, we still buy them. Why? Because the first time we try them on, they feel so nice... they look good. No wonder women end up with a lot of pairs because women could not find the right pair for the right purpose. (Don't raise your eyebrows yet, I have a point). I think men would agree that women have too much pairs of shoes.

Like all other women I have tons of shoes too. I still have pairs with tags on them but what can I do? I was deceived. But I have learned my lesson. I am now mature at choosing the right pair for me. There are shoes that are chosen because of how they look. Some shoes are chosen because of how they make us feel. Some shoes make us feel sexy, pretty, or confident. But at times, women end up complaining that these shoes hurt.




Some women end up buying the wrong pair too (either they were not aware of what suit their feet, they were deceived, talked into it, or it was an impulse). Others simply could not find the "perfect" shoes. Some women buy the shoes because it is the kind they can afford and that they do not want to spend more time in searching for another pair. In other words, they settle for it. I think that in finding the right shoes it is important for women to know for what purpose do they need the pair of shoes. In short consider the lifestyle, who you are. Do you always run? Do you always walk? Are you a classic urban chic or a girly girl? Is quality important to you? How much are you willing to invest, to risk? (Do you get me now?)
Shoes reflect our lifestyle, the persona we want to project. And just like men, shoes can be sooo attractive that we take them home because of an impulse. Oh, and there are those shoes that do not last, those that break easily and wear out too quickly.

If it is said that "women kiss a lot of frogs before finding their prince charming" I say I have bought too many pairs of shoes before finding my perfect match. Today was wet, windy and gray. I was walking outside. And as I walked, I thought to myself how lucky I am to be wearing my perfect pair of boots. I was comfortable and I felt protected. And to this I thought hmmmnn... this feeling reminds me of my husband.

And oh, I have to end this note to clear that I have boxed my "unwanted" and "deceitful" pairs of shoes and will be sending them away ^^

**another sort of hallmark writing I wrote for my husband years ago. Years have gone by and the feelings remain the same :) **