Ottawa 2007. 7th wedding anniversary.



I hope you will be happy there with me.

Powerful and heartfelt words from my husband. I feel that he is worried about this move. He knows how much I like and enjoy the city... The fun, glam, glitter and all that jazz. He said that the place where he will take me is so much different from here. Wilderness surrounds the small town of Yellowknife. The lifestyle is quiet versus a fast phase life here in Toronto. Life over there is about nature and outdoor activities.

My manager said that I am selfless for giving up things like "running water". He was funny. His speech during the goodluck-on-your-move-party was heartfelt and I thought it was great. It was a good thing that someone blew the surprise for me otherwise I could have been crying and ruining my mascara. But I was truly touched and sad that day.

Selfless is a powerful word too.

I think that giving up all that I am used to in my daily life in exchange of a new life with my family being together is the hardest decision I have made. Being "selfless" however is the easiest choice I had and the only one that made sense. I was asked if I had always been selfless to which I replied, I just want things to be easier. I think and analyze but I don't over-analyze. I am a free spirit who acts with no regrets, always looking ahead, and deals with the consequences instead of worrying about them. I don't like spending too much time thinking when I already know what I want. To me worrying makes things complicated.

A friend of mine said that things happen for a reason. He said that this move is meant to be because this is what I wanted. He said that I had wished in my mind and in prayers for my family to be together and this is the answer to my wish. Indeed God moves in mysterious ways and we really have to be in tuned to Him so we can gratefully accept His will. I guess He wants me to be have the opportunity to be "selfless" and experience the joy of having my wishes granted.

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary. We celebrated it with take out Vietnamese/Chinese food. Our table was made of carton boxes and we were sitting on the floor with our children. We were surrounded by boxes and mess. The ambiance could not be any better and we were all very happy and having a nice time.

Some of you who know my situation have an idea of how I am doing juggling my time as a mother of 3 boys with the absence of my husband who is working in the far away city of Yellowknife. It is not so easy. And with this fact, I was asked the question "how do you manage?"

I steal time to make time. I only have 24 hours a day to complete such number of tasks but I do have 7 days to work things through. If I have planned to do the laundry on a Saturday morning because I know I will be coming in late and tired from work on a Friday night, but then Friday night came and I was not tired and it was still early, I will then do the laundry that Friday night. I schedule things but I am always prepared to change it. I don't feel pressured and I feel more productive as I complete tasks on my own phase. I stay focused on completing tasks that are my priorities and try my best to complete them with speed and so I can wind down for at least 15 minutes once they are done. Winding down for me is shopping on my way home before I do the groceries. I find it therapeutic to try on clothes (sign of a shopaholic). I consider walking from the grocery store as my work out and alone time which usually takes about 15 to 25 minutes 3 to 4 times a week. Mind you, this include lifting the groceries.

Procastinating is not the same as being flexible. I am flexible.

I see challenges not stress. There are a lot of things that happen in a day that sometimes can be too overwhelming whether from the office or from home. What happens at work stay at work and gets resolved at work. What happens at home stay at home and gets resolved at home. I know my capabilities and I believe in my strengths. I also know when I need to seek help and am always grateful for the help I receive. There are always ways to make things work. I do my best to be a perky problem solver.

Positive attitude always make a BIG difference.

There is a definite purpose and reason why I am doing the things that I do everyday. What I do is what makes me who I am. I wake up at 5:30 in the morning so I can be at work @ 7:00 am so I can leave work early enough that I still have the time to do things at home which of course are various random things in which its importance are rated based on how I feel and how that day is going. I do because I can. I can because I want. I want because I love. I do all these because this is how I show I care.

Putting my family first as the center of my universe make everything worthwhile. Because of them, I am inspired to wake up everyday with positive and grateful mindset that yes, I can do this!

At the end of the day I say a little prayer to thank God for all that He has given me. I give praise and ask for strength so I can perform my duties the next day. I pray that I always keep my good heart shining whatever life brings to me. I pray that He bless all the angels He sends my way.

And that is how I manage ^_^

www.everydaypeoplecartoon.com

Some of you may already know that my family is moving to Yellowknife and how I feel about that move.

I am working on this company for 5 years now and moving to Yellowknife has left me no choice but to let my manager know that I will be leaving my job.
But then I thought to myself, I love my job so why not bring it with me to Yellowknife. I have an access to work from home. It will be perfect. So I told my manager about this situation back in February.

Today, five months after, I was given the sad news. I cannot bring my work to Yellowknife. It sinks to me now that I am really leaving. I am filled with mixed emotions. I held myself together as I listened to his reasons why I could not bring my work to Yellowknife. As I listened to him, I was feeling that I was not good enough but then it was as if he could read my mind that he said this is not because we do not value you, in fact we considered it because we like you. But after some thought it is decided that this is something that our team is not ready for and that we are not equipped to do.

I wanted to bring my work to Yellowknife because how easy it would be to be working from home and at the same time doing something that I am already familiar with. But now that this is not going to happen, I am faced with uncertainty. Uncertainties that I have to face with courage and positive mind.

When one door closes, another opens. It's true. I am not able to bring my work to Yellowknife and it makes me feel that a part of me is being taken away. It is hard to let go of things that have made me comfortable, the lifestyle, and the routine that I am used to. I tend to cling to such things. And because of this, I think that it is a good thing that a decision was made for me so that letting go would be easier. If not, surely I would continue to do the same thing over and over again maybe for the next five years.

My manager told me that he believes I will do well in whatever it is I would decide to do in Yellowknife. You have come a long way and have done very well. You are a strong woman, he says. You are bright, hard worker, your work ethic is high, you communicate well and you work well with others. These are good qualities that not everybody has. So there is nothing you should be afraid of.

And I believe him. With all honesty I believe him. I agree with him. His kind words filled my heart with courage.

My horoscope says, "the next opportunity does not come from you, it calls on you." I always believe that things happen for a reason. There is something better out there for me and I will find it. It can be a challenge but I always have risen up to challenges. My choices are limitless. This is not the end. This is just the beginning of new and better things to come.

I am fortunate to have the opportunity for a change. Not everybody is given the chance for a change. Change is good. It is. Change is an opportunity. Opportunity to be better, to grow, to discover, to experience. And this is what is presented to me. This is what is given to me and change is what I am going to make.

What does work mean to you? Such a boring, dragging you down kind of word, isn't it? Some people say, work is 'stressful'. But to some work is passion, fun, a very fortunate thing to have in life.

Last night Janvier and I were choosing his electives for his grade nine courses. He asked me of what I think he should choose and I said he should pick the courses that will help him on what he wants to be in life. Knowing what you want now will help you later on, I said.

I am a working mother of three boys. My 40 hours per week is solely dedicated to this company which I am proud of but I absolutely will not disclose. Parenthood is not easy single-handedly. My husband works in the far away city of Yellowknife and his physical absence makes motherhood a bit difficult than usual. But this living situation has turned me from a mom-who-did-not-own-an-agenda into a mom-who-has-to-do-list-on-four-calendars. I have 2 calendars at work, 1 in my kitchen and my handy dandy IPhone. I do things in advance as I remember them in advance. My thoughts are a constant repitition from what's for children's lunch, what to wear to work to what to cook for dinner. And of course there are those various thoughts hovering that fill up my daily to do list such as oh yeah I need to buy the kids milk, I have an appointment today at school yadi yadi yada...

Mothers have this extra load on their shoulders. Mothers who are also career women have double the extra load. They have work to do in their so called workplace and their so called homes. As a mom, I feel like a juggler. And I want to be the best juggler mommy I can be.

During my younger years I remember having high aspirations for myself and I don't recall that being a mother was one of them. I guess motherhood just happens. No woman 'aspire' to become a mother. At least I did not.

But I am a mother. A working mother. Martin Luther King said, if a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.

I guess in the end what matters most is that you take pride in whatever it is that you do. Aim to deliver your best everyday in all aspects of your daily life. Think positively that no matter how small you think your role is, it is still a very important role that contributes to the good of all.

I said to Janvier to make Drama 101 his first choice. It is a good way to express yourself creatively. He said I know you want me to be an actor, mommy.
Well, don't you?, I asked.
Yeah, well... But I don't want that life. That lifestyle is messed up.
So I said, you know what Janvier you have a point.

Janvier chose aviation, mechanics, music, photography, and drama as his top five courses. I bet he'll do well in all those. Whether he'll end up an aviator, mechanic or an actor, I just hope he will be doing something that he loves to do ^_^ Work is a lot more fun if you love it. And if you love it, you give all your best to deliver a great job.




Janvier on his Grade 8 graduation

It's Mother's day. A time to celebrate and give thanks to our mothers. We re-connect, reminisce and remember the special wonderful things about our mothers and what they have done for us.



I will always remember how special and why my mom is the best for me. I am grateful for her courage, strength and fortitude in facing and handling the challenges of working oceans away from us. I am grateful for her unconditional love and continued support that I have felt at all stages of my life. I am grateful for her wisdom in making the hardest decisions for the good of the family. I am forever indebted for her everyday sacrifices. I am honored and blessed to be her daughter. I am proud of you mama and I will do my very best to be just like you. You will always always be in me. With all my love for always and forever.

Today is my special friend's birthday. A very special best friend. I have written this note about her a year ago and today I want to share my thoughts of her with you.

Rania 8/15/08 12:16 AM
Where do I even begin to describe you Rania, now that it feels like I’ve
known you forever? Well, I still remember your first email to me the day it
was made known that I will be joining the Disbursements team.
----- Forwarded by January Go/US Division/Manulife on 09/11/2008 11:32 AM ----- Rania Ayoub/US Division/Manulife 04/11/2006 03:13 PM To January Go/US Division/Manulife@Manulife cc Subject CongratulationsLink Hi January, Congratulation and welcome to the team. I am sure you'll enjoy being part of the best team on the floor. (ha ha ha). Rania Ayoub Ext. 26881

I am lucky to have you Rania as a mentor, a co-worker, and a friend. I think
that it is very rare for one to find somebody to laugh with when one is
feeling down and sad. I will always remember the times when you have
lifted my spirit and made me smile when I was missing Janvier and Justin.
You allow me to be myself and accepts me for what I am. You never get
annoyed when I talk too much to you and even when I am talking to myself.
You are always there to listen to me no matter what.
You are a wonderful soul. You are a loving mother, daughter and a wife.
(Something we have in common heh heh). I admire your strong personality
because I am just the opposite. I have observed how you are caring to those
people who need your help and assistance. I believe that you are sincere
every time you lend a helping hand. People have made comments why we
give each other hugs every time we part after work, “is she going on
vacation?”, “are you not going to see her tomorrow?” in which I would
always reply, “because she’s my friend.” And I think that you are the
second most person I gave hugs to next to Steven, my husband. And that is
okay. I have started giving hugs to my mama and my sister April too
whenever I get the chance. And when Janvier and Justin are back, I will be
giving them hugs too. But that is not the point, if you know what I mean.
(I can’t sleep right now. I think it’s because of hormone change due to
pregnancy. I read about it in an article. I have read two chapters on LOMA
book but that bored me.. so)
And yes, you have known me for my thinking-too-loud behaviour for which
you find funny.

Second entry. 09.05.08
I feel that you are going to be there for me if ever I will call you. I hope I
have made you feel the same way. You said, “I’ll miss you Jan when you
leave … it feels like you are part of my life,” for which I replied, “that is
really sweet to hear Rania” when deep inside my thoughts I was thinking to
say, “I’m glad that it is not only me who feels this way”.
And you are part of my life Rania. I wish to spend my life being friends with
you no matter what comes our way. I am glad that you are going to be
Jessiah’s godmother because at this moment in my life, I see no other one
who fits this special role but you.
Till we grow old, we shall remain friends.

*********************
I thought this song is nice and it reminds me of how I feel about our friendship. I learned a lot more about me when I got to know her. I feel that if do ever get lost, she would be there to lead me back to where I should go and when I would not know what to do and if I do get stuck, she would be there to lovingly give me a hug and advice. I love her.












Christopher Robin and
I walked along
Under branches lit up
By the moon
Posing our questions
To Owl and Eeyore
As our days disappeared
All too soon
But I've wandered much further
Today than I should
And I can't seem to find my way
Back to the Wood

So help me if you can
I've got to get
Back to the House
At Pooh Corner by one
You'd be surprised
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of
Christopher Robin and Pooh

Winnie the Pooh
Doesn't know what to do
Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
He came to me
Asking help and advice
And from here no one knows where he goes
So I sent him to ask of the Owl
If he's there
How to loosen a jar
From the nose of a bear

It's hard to explain
How a few precious things
Seem to follow throughout
All our lives
After all's said and done
I was watching my son
Sleeping there with my bear
By his side
So I tucked him in, I kissed him
And as I was going
I swear that old bear whispered,
"Boy, welcome home"

Believe me if you can
I've finally come
Back to the House at
Pooh Corner by one
What do you know
There's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of Christopher Robin
Back to the ways of Christopher Robin
Back to the days of Pooh

It's been awhile. My last blog was 2 months ago. I am now back to work which has occupied most of my time. And a lot has happened within those two months.

Have you ever been in a position or a situation where you have to make a life changing decision? I'm sure a lot of you have experienced that and some of you may say that I am over thinking this.

I have decided to move to Yellowknife. My husband has acquired a permanent job there. For more than a month now I have been raising our three children with my mother-in-law's help. And when she leaves in October of this year, I will have no other choice but to put my toddler in a childcare centre. Even with two income coming in, childcare and paying two different rent is just too much of an expense.

I don't know much about Yellowknife but based from what I have read and from what I was told it is a nice place to be. Aside from the extreme cold weather, long nights during winter, and that it is a place far far away from everything, there is not much I should worry about. But compared to Toronto, Yellowknife feels a bit strange for me. I mean all they have is Walmart. Who wants to shop for clothes at Walmart when you want to feel extra-special and stylish? How can I be stylish when everyone in the town have the same clothes as mine because we all shop at one place? They don't have Starbucks. I know!! I mean third world countries have Starbucks. My daily dose of cafe mocha is going to be completely off my diet. Yes. I don't drink any other cafe mocha. And my espresso truffle! This is too depressing for me and I don't expect you to understand or make sense of how I feel. All these are shallow reasons for me to worry or make this move a big deal. But let me get this out of my system. It is a big deal for me.

I have a career and I love that it is stable. I saw myself growing old in this company and I have foreseen myself receiving a gold plated plaque for giving excellent service for 30 years. My colleagues are also my friends and some of them I consider my family. One thing about me is that I love being surrounded by positive familiar people all the time and my workplace has given me that feeling of security and respect that I need.

I have not even mentioned my family. All of them are here in Toronto. When we move to Yellowknife, it will be just the five of us. My mom will not be able to come to me in 10 minutes when I want to see her or when I need someone's help. My sister. I will not be able to go out and hang out with her on Friday nights anymore. I will not see my nephew and nieces on special occassions. My brothers. How can I give them noogies (not that I do, but)? How can I annoy them once we are far away?

But all of these are about me. I am scared and do not want to move probably because of selfish reasons. But I also think of what if my husband's new job do not work out? I mean by July, which is our target moving date, he would only have been in the company for 8 months. What if by that date, I still do not have a job offer? What of our children? This decision also concerns them. New school. New friends. New environment.

We managed to attend the first Sunday mass of the year despite of bad weather. That Sunday was the second and last Sunday mass we had as a family before my husband leaves to Yellowknife. He actually leaves tonight. Today is Wednesday. I prayed hard on that Sunday mass. I prayed for my confusion and fear to go away. I prayed for strength so I can continue to perform my daily duties as a mother, as a wife, a daughter, a sister, and as a friend.

I felt good after that Sunday mass. I now feel stronger knowing that I am making this decision as a sacrifice for my family and that I am putting them above my own personal needs and wants. Just as a horse's vision have to be restricted so they can perform thoughtfully, I am taking this leap of faith by trusting God to be my eyes.