My Jesse is 1 today.

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Jesse turns 1 today. I still remember those difficult uncomfortable nine months and especially the grueling painful 10 hours. The emotions are still fresh in my mind... the experience still so vivid. I cried and whined all the time. I was scared. Jesse is my third child. People assume that I am an expert and that I know all the things there is about being a mother because I have three children. But I am not. All three boys are six years of age apart and each came in different situations in my life. Janvier, the eldest, came when I was 19 years old. I was still in grade 11. Justin came when I was 25. I just graduated college and was working my first job. Jesse came last year fifty days before my 32nd birthday.

Among the three pregnancies I had, it was with Jesse I had the most difficulty. I was too sensitive. I could not stand the sight of anything fried especially fried meat. I would be totally disgusted my stomach churns. I cried at night. For nine months, I did not sleep well. My best friend would talk to him inside my tummy and playfully say, "you are trouble, why are you giving mommy trouble?"

I realized that no pregnancies are the same and I got scared as the big day came close. I did not know what to expect. I feared of what might happen during the delivery. Jesse was oblique which means I would need a
c-section. I dreaded the thought of being operated because that would mean I had to have an epidural. Scary. My fears stressed me so much I was distraught. I remember holding my belly and pleading to Jesse for him to move in the right position and be nice to mommy.

November 4 was a nice day. The sun was out, temperature was cool but not chilly, the leaves were at full colours. It was fall. Jesse made me feel that he would be born that day but he decided not to come out till it was November 5. I had to be induced because the waterbag was already leaking but there were no contractions. It was the most painful experience to be poked with a steel stick inside. Down there.


Then he was out. Haaaahhhh.... what a relief. Short relief.


Breastfeeding. It was agony. Cries after cries after cries. My nipples were cracked and sore, red and bleeding. He had jaundice. It was scary. I did not want him to have brain damage so I tried so hard to breastfeed him. The lactation nurse and the breast pump and the breastfeeding pillow helped.


I was exhausted, stressed, sad, happy, proud, busy, angry, crazy, distraught, contented, frustrated. GRATEFUL.

And now he is 1 year old. 12 months have passed. I feel it was as if just yesterday.
I love you Jesse. You make me feel how a mother should feel. Happy Birthday.

My horoscope


My horoscope today says: You are feeling a little more temperamental than usual, Capricorn, and if you are not careful, this will affect your love affairs today. Your emotions are at an all time high, and not very many of them are good ones. If you are attached, you are feeling even a little cranky, and are likely to erupt over the smallest issue. Don't let minor irritations interfere with the bigger picture. One explosion that seems small to you may well alienate someone else for good.

Do you believe in horoscope? I don't. I read them when I can but I don't let it run my day. But this one is right on the dot. I have been going crazy and moody the last couple of days... if not, weeks. I don't know why but little things make me crazy. It's like I am in an emotional spin. One moment I am calm and the next I am erupting. Am I depressed? I know I am stressed but with what? with life? WHY?

I guess I feel this way because deep inside of me there is a void. A void that I don't know how to fill. I worry too much. Of things that I don't even know what.

Too much expectations. I expect too much when I should not. I can't expect things to be the same when the circumstances now is different from before. They say when you love, you give yourself 100% and more. But this love needs to be reciprocated. In my case, I know it is but I just want more. Am I being selfish? Is my understanding shallow? My patience diminished? Is something wrong with me? What is wrong with me?

Treat other people the way you want to be treated. But what if I am tired of always being the nice one; of always being the one who thinks of what to do, of always being the one who is in charge? What if I want you to be nice to me first before I treat you right? What if I am down and overwhelmed that I am the one who needs to be comforted this time? That this time, it is I who needs to hear that everything is going to be okay because I am not sure anymore if I can take care of things on my own? What if I can no longer smile because I am hurting inside and that I need you to talk to me; that the silent treatment just drives me crazy even more? What if I am the one who needs the hug, the apology?

My horoscope today warns me as if it is my fault to be cranky at small issues. As I said, I don't believe in horoscopes and I don't let it run my day.